Would you ask to stay at someone's house when the hostess would be 8.5 months pregant?

[oliveoil]

This is just a whiney whinge thread tbh, feeling sorry for myself .

dh's relatives from Canada are coming over for a month mid July and have asked to stay at our house for a week. Will be one adult and 2 children, aged 6 and 12 (I think). We have stayed with them before in Canada and they are lovely.

BUT my baby is due 18 August and I just KNOW from my last pregnancy that in mid july, I will be a grumpy whale from hell and the LAST thing I want, is to be playing hostess to 3 people, who will be taking over my dining room and spare room.

dh says that we can't say no - and haven't, they are coming! - but I feel really mean for resenting their arrival, as they are a lovely family, but feel that the end of my pregnancy is going to be spoilt .

And what if my baby makes an early appearance? Can you imagine having a new born and guests staying at the same time? Arrrrggghhhhhhhh.

I couldn't even stand my own family let alone anyone elses at that stage of PG.

I think you are just going to have to put up with it but don't do any cooking and be grumpy when you need to and come on here and tell us about it.

I don't thnk they have thought this through,I think maybe another relative could step in here- as not a good time for you.

It may make your BP rise as you feel you will have to attend to their needs playing hostess. I would say your GP has told you to rest- high bp- so a little white lie don't hurt anyone- Would make them think? larsxx

oliveoil - I wouldn't mind people coming to stay at that stage (in fact didn't mind), but I looked at it in a different way.

I was not be the hostess - the people coming to stay were extra hands to pick up dd/toys and to help out generally. Admitedly, dp's sister didn't really help out much, but thinking about it that way made me feel better. It's also handy to have people around in case you have to rush off to hospital isn't it?

I made it clear to the people coming that they would have to help out a bit and things were fine. In fact, given that dd was in hospital when ds was born they were an absolute godsend (staying with dd in the hospital for hours on end) - but hopefully you won't need your guests to do that.

Maybe looking at things that way will help anyway. I do also see that it could be a pain for you, especially as there is a 6 year old. Do you have a garden? If not I think perhaps you need to bully your dh into organising several days out (aka getting them out of your hair) - close by, of course. Hope it goes OK.

I think it is inconsiderate if them even to ask to stay.
I can understand your DH's response though as it is the same one my DH would give!!
I presume they know you will be 8.5 months pg? - if so they are very very inconsiderate...

Thanks folks. They know I will be pregnant, but thought I would prefer them staying 'earlier' in my pregnancy rather than at the end of their month! Earlier?????

Dh knows I am not over the moon about it but he also knows that I cannot lie for toffee - my face will say exactly what I am thinking, this worries him somewhat .

SP - I am trying to be positive and mature about their visit but find myself reverting to a 5 year old and thinking 'its not fair' all the time.

The problem is, that when I was pg with dd, we were between houses (moved in 3 days before she was born) and I vividly remember feeling grumpy and having to pretend to be nice to people and am annoyed that I will have to do this again.

I just can't belived that they asked to stay, it wouldn't have even crossed my mind, and I just wondered if that was just me, obv not.

Hey ho. Look out for lots of grumpy threads mid July.

Agree that it's fine to be annoyed and also that my DH would have been the same.

As SenoraA has said, i think your DH needs to get in touch and emphasize that it will be a place to crash and you will absolutely not be the hostess with the mostest! Perhaps you could have a tendency to get high BP in late pregnancy if DH would be more comfortable explaining things that way?

I really sympathise on the "it's not fair" basis. I am very good at telling myself what I "should" feel and less good at feeling it!

I'm sorry but I simply would not wish to impose myself on someone in the very last stages of her preg. Do they really know what stage you will be at? It would be awful if they were not quite aware of what stage you will be and then arrived.

I struggle with this but have learnt the hard way that the solution to "not being able to say no" is not necessarily to say "yes".

Please get as much support from us as you want. Where are you? Can any of us offer you practical support as well as moral?

Thanks for the offer beansprout, but my inlaws live round the corner so I do have practical help to hand and dh is v good too, I just don't want people in my house! My inlaws only have a small cottage type house so they can't stay there. Not that ours is a mansion but we do have enough spare rooms to go round.

We had 3 other canadian relatives staying last year for 3 weeks but I wasn't bothered then as I didn't weigh 2 stone more than normal with a beach ball stomach.

Hi OO! I've had this problem too. People wanting to come in the last month of pregnancy when they've had so much time to come. I would never ask to stay somewhere when the woman is pg, it just isn;t right. I've got at least 2 different sets of vistors trying to 'book in' for June and I'm due July. Fortunately DH has negotiated a day over here instead of 2 nights and we said we'd go over to them when baby is born for the day. The others will just have to wait as they expect to be waited on hand and foot and I'm just not doing it. Hope your DH will give you tons of help preparing your house/shopping etc.. and try to enjoy the vist. I know what you mean though, you just wouldn;t ask yourself and they are quite happy to come and stay so late in your pgcy. xx

I agree with SP. Can you look upon them as extra pairs of hands rather than a burden and set some ground rules, although I completely understand how you feel that your space is being invaded and playing hostess would be stressful.

We had friends over when I was at about the same stage with dd. There were two adults, 2 kids aged 2 and 4 and we live in a 3 bed apartment. We had only moved here about 6 weeks before and already had ds then aged 3. Fortunately we know the family really well and they understood and were prepared to muck in. dh took a few days off and we went out either for the day or overnight. The trips out and the fact that the weather was great enabled us to get some space and saved our sanity as the children entertained each other.

Can you ask them to come for a shorter period earlier in their trip, I doubt they would mind. I expect they would feel more awkward than you should you start to feel twinges etc Would dh be prepared to do the catering - barbies and salads worked well I recall - and help with the preparations. You would have ready made babysitters if you fancied a meal for two out too.

Not quite the same but 2 weeks before i am due DP's mum, brother, brothers girlfriend and 2 kids are going on holiday - Dp's other brother is not going but his girlfriends is going to be away at the same time.
MIL, found it highly amusing the other day that DP's brother is going to be round at our house everyday for the 2 weeks expecting to be fed and watered.

I have told DP in no uncertain terms is his DB to even set foot in the house - can you imagine it - 37 weeks pregnant and having a 26 year old lout move in because he can't cope in his - or even worse dragging DP off down the pub for a few beers or a game of pool or to watch the footie.................oh, i can hear the comotion now !!!!

Sympathy for you OO - i wouldn't fancy it either.

I can sympathise with you OO. My dh's brother and his family usually have a week or 2 with us as their summer holiday. It was bad enough last year when I wasn't pg but when my s-i-l mentioned it the other day I just said no. They want to come at the beginning of Sept when I'll be 8 months pg. They are really lovely people and have 2 nice kids (hard work though) but I can't face the thought of a house full for a week or so at that stage of pg. In reality, I end up doing everything for them and acting as a babysitter for them too. I did feel mean but told s-i-l that it would be just too much for me to cope with at that stage. She seems to have been ok about it but, TBH, if she's not then that's too bad!!

The only constructive advice I can give you is to use these people to help you out whilst they are staying and don't hold back about asking for help. Personally I don't think they should have even asked but it does sound like you are stuck with them. Good luck!

I think it's appalling that they even asked and I would have said no. The reality is that with all good intention to help, guests are still guests - they don't know where everything is and so will have to come to you for instructions for every little thing. Is there any chance of your having to have complete bed rest at your in-laws around this time? After all, it's not as if you'd have to leave your kids on their own, ...snigger snigger.... think about it.

My SIL & co (childless, not domesticated) wanted to come and stay the week after the birth of our first baby. I said no way and threatened to move into a hotel MYSELF if they insisted. In the end, they camped out in the garden, which was almost as bad.

If you feel really bad about it oliveoil, could you suggest to your DH that you book yourself into a holiday cottage to get space for that time? Perhaps if he sees the lengths you intend to go to, he will realise how much it matters and put his foot down.

wouldn't even cross my mind to ask, unless I had just been thrown out on the street and you were the only person in the world that I knew, and it was minus 50 degrees, and snowing

If you can't palm them off on to other relatives, set up your bedroom as your escape pod - all the things you like in there - rest and relax in there as much as you can and leave them to get on with it

Hopefully, they will take the hint and do as much as they can to help and to keep out of your way

Gawd, I remember that stage myself - I nearly cried when the postman came cos I had to get up and answer the door! These people must be mad - and your DH owes you BIG!

I'd def go with having high blood pressure. You are on doctor's orders not to move fromlying on the sofa/ being in bed. How marvellously convenient that they happen to be with you at this awkward time! You;d love to be able to do more for them, but unfortunately... but isn't it wonderful they are such friends you can rely on them in a crisis, etc etc. Lay it on thick and have them making all the meals, vacuuming, etc. and enjoy!!!
PS, if your dh won't lie to them or might not carry it through, tell him you doc said the above - if he thinks its genuine the whole act will be SO much more convincing!!!!!
To be honest, I would consider asking if I could stay somewhere when the hostess would be very preg - but would expect to do housework etc, not be waited on.

I lost a friend this way. She came to stay when I was 8.5 months pregnant, we had a big argument, she left in a huff, and soon after, my waters broke (at 8.5 months). It's just not a good idea.

But, extraordinarily, people do seem to think it's OK to ask. Mostly it's people who have never had a baby themselves or who had one so long ago they've forgotten what an upheaval it can be and how crucial those last months are for mental preparation and physical rest.

Oliveoil, it's too bad you can't just say, "Sorry, this is a bad time but any other time would be great." It sounds like you're stuck. But if I were in this position myself, having already had a bad experience, I would find a way to say no.

What does your dh mean you can't say no? This is way too much stress and could bring on the baby early. You can't say yes, is my opinion.

I'm mad with your dh. Tell him droile is getting her goat got!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL at Droile's relatives camping in the garden ? were they really scared of you or what?

lol@droile, not a fuuny situation but you did make me laugh!!

Oliveoil-- is there no hotel/b&b nearby? you can tell rellies that they can stay there as a base and come and see you In the day and go back to the hotel/b&b at night.
I found last year a nightmare when p/g. the heat and everything. Also i was ill, high blood presure, protein in urine headaces, lights the works. I had to be admited in hosp many times. I couldn't cope with people comming round, much less staying.

Even if pregnancy is going well and there are no complications, come 8/9 months, you just dont want any bother, and it is a hard time. I dont wish to sound alarmist, but it really would be stressful, even if they were helping.

could you not talk to rellie them self, they should understand having had kids themselves. Your Dh sounds like mine BTW, trying not to hurt others feelings but nvm yours

eddm - yes, they thought I just had PND. I did, as it goes, but would have stood my ground anyway. I like having visitors, but put a lot into them, IYSWIM, so couldn't contemplate it when I'm feeling under par. I couldn't stand any visitors in hospital after the births either, because I dripped with sweat and hot flushes the whole time and found it really embarrassing.

funnily enough, my parents had a friend staying at our house the night I was born (at home!!) Apparently he woke briefly when I screamed, thought 'oh, the baby's arrived' and went back to sleep again.
I only realised this was perhaps a little unusual when I had my own kids....
I think if I had lovely friends coming over from Canada I would probably want to see them. It'd be different if it were people I could see any time. I had childless friends asking to stay when ds2 was a few weeks old - they did ask in a 'tell us if its not on' kind of way - I just said, yes, do come, but you'll have to take us as you find us, in sleep deprived chaos!