Following on from 2 other thread, what on earth do I do and how do I start going about sorting it.

[dingdongmerRADLEYonhigh]

Following on from this and {http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=245607#4932696\this} and him assuaulting one of my mates and verbally abusing me and trying to hit me, my friend told me last night that she is 'sort of' back with him.

The friend who her boyfriend is a good mate of mine and came round at midnight heartbroken, i sat up till 1.30 calming him down. He says that he can't be friends with someone who keeps going back to someone like that and has to hide their friendship, she cannot mention our friends name without her boyfriend kicking off, and, quite rightly, my mate says he can't be friends with someone who has to hide their friendship for their own safety.

I asked her last night if it is going to put a strain on our friendship when the police pick her boyfriend up for questioning and at first she said 'don't know' and quickly changed it to no. I also said that I know that it is going to be difficult being with him and being mates with me and if he gives her an ultimatum, then our friendship is over.

I just wish she would realise what she has to lose

Her dad is a poorly man and if he finds out it will make him worse and probably kill him

Her parents would disown her

Her cousin who is like a sister will disown her

Friends have stopped going round because he is there

He gets her into drugs when her son is away for the weekend

ALOT of people are getting fed up of her toing and froing with him.

She has said she is using him until the new year because he has promised to lend her money then she is ending it, but i can see one of two things happening

A. She will stay with him
B. He will figure out what she has done and lose it big time.

I seem to think the only way he will realise is when she is on her deathbed after he's attacked her once too often.

She's said she daren't get in his car when he is in a mood as he's threatened to drive them into a wall.

If i was seeing someone and they trashed my house, assaulted my mate, tried to assault another, tried to kick her door in and petrified a 7yr old i'd never speak to him again, but here she is taking him back

Sorry if this sounds jumbled but I'm trying to sort it out in my own way

I don't know what to do and it is getting me down.

Ask questions etc if you like, it may help me sort things out.

Radley, you are clearly a really nice person and doing your best to help your friend, but there is a limit to how far you can save others from themselves, and I think you've reached it

bugger, at beginning of post, mate who's ex boyfriend is a good mate of mine, her present boyfriend is a waste of space

Radley, i really feel for you. I have also tried to support a friend in an abusive realationship and it is incredibly hard. I haven't seen her for years now because he made it too difficult for her to have friends. 10 years later she is still with him, she is totally isolated from friends and family and i hear enough of her life to know that he is still very abusive. Bottom line is that you cannot make her leave, you can only let her know that you will be there for her when she does. Please look after yourself in this situation too because i know how stressful it can be.

She has said many times, that out of people who know about things, i am the only person that never calls him and slates him etc, i feel like i'm banging my head against a brick wall.

She came here at 7.30 last night and within the first hour he'd rang 2 times, hanging up on her both times, he probably left numerous messages, but her phone rang out of charge, she charged it at mine (we have the same phone) and he'd left a message, she had to be home for midnight and he was going round as he was 'seething'

is her son in any danger around him?
I know what I'd do. REport his behaviour to Social Services
Might give her a proper wake up call
You need some balls to do that though, although you can report anonymously

Her son has, as far as I know, never seen or heard anything and i know for a FACT she doesn't do anything in the house when he is there.

The only thing is that he son gets used to him being there, then they split up, and he sees nothing of him for weeks, then they are back together etc

Radley, sounds like she wants your support on her terms. With my friend i ended up feeling like i was almost 'enabling' her to remain with him - by being there to listen endlessly and take her in when things went wrong etc. it allowed her to keep the relationship going. I think if she had not cut me out of her life i would have done it to her because it is too stressful and not really achieving anything.

vitomum, i agree. i have felt like that too in the past with a friend in a violent relationship. it was almost as if she got validation for being 'a good person' by his treating her badly, and we her friends were an audience that she needed. she's still with him, five years later. she is a good person, by the way, but her need to feel that by siffering outweighs her need to follow any sensible course of action.

suffering obviously

She came to my house earlier saying that he is expecting her to drop her plans and be at his beck and call this weekend becuase he isn't working, once again our plans are scuppered, she went off earlier to cook his tea looking dejected.