I really had enough of my mum's behaviour!

[lars]

I've just had words with my mum today. I feel sad because i lost my father a few months ago and know this is still a difficult time for us all,but enough is enough of her behaviour.
My sister and I feel totally excluded by her as she aways ask my brother's advise make sure he has the only copy of her will and he deals with all her finances and she has even opened up a jount account with him- of course she has no cheque book only he has that- very strange! But of course we do all the running around and form filling, etc, etc.
When my brother and his wife are going over to her house she gets in a special cake for tea. When my sister and I go is just what ever's is the cupboard. She seems to play as all off against each other and she told my sister I never asked her to go shopping which is a lie she said she was going out- truth is she was going out but wanted to get back on time to cook my brother something to eat as he was visiting that evening.
The house is like a shrine to my brother and his wife and children all photos everywhere. My sister and I there are no photos displayed of us. My sister is really upset as she gave my mum a picture of her daughter's graduation- she still hasn't put this up.
Anyway today was the final straw my mum had lied to my sister about going out to get her hair done. There was no need for it but of course my sister in law is taking her.
We have been very upset by all of this and my sister-in-law thinks its her place to sort out the finances and tell my mum want to do.
With have not said anything before but we are furious with my mother's behaviour. We have tried to tell her how she is making us feel but with little affect. Advise needed do we keep quiet are bring this situation up with all concerned? sorry for the long rant! larsxx

really sorry to read your posting lars, and sorry I can't offer any valuable opinion. Maybe bringing it out into the open with your sister as back-up might actually help, maybe she doesn't really realise she is doing it or if she does maybe she doesn't realise you see and know what's going on and it's hurting you. Try to talk about how it makes you feel not accusingly as this would just get her back up straight away whereas if you go around it in a non-confrontational roundabout way it might help her to see what she is doing is really hurting you and your sister. I have a very similar thing going on with my sister-in-laws but nothing to this hurtful as it is especially since your father has recently passed away. Sorry but just wanted to offer sympathy. Good luck xx

Lars - I do feel sorry for you, for the loss of your father and for this difficult time you're having. Is this completely new behaviour or is it behaviour that was there before you lost your father? I think that it's natural for your brother to want to help as much as he can, but could you and your sister explain to him privately how excluded you feel? Perhaps then he could say 'Oh, lars is excellent with that type of thing. Shall I ask her to help?'when your Mum asks him to do something. I've seen many times that daughters are expected to get their own cup of tea, whereas sons are told to sit down, put their feet up and a cup and biscuits appear in minutes! I know it's not fair. My mil told me the other day that when her Mum died she was 18 and her brother 14. She was expected to cope, but he was cossetted by all and sundry. The lying is totally unnecessary but may be part of her bereavement process. I know someone who goes quite doolally when there's a bereavement in the family. Can't sleep, eat or think straight for ages and ages. Of course the photo should be on display. It seems she deliberately wants to push you girls away, but I don't know why. She might not understand it herself. One of my friends has that with her mother. Photos of other siblings but never hers and her childrens'. Don't know if that helps. Take care and if you and your sister have each other you can stay strong. tm

amess, thanks for that it has been very difficult with my mum since my father has past away as my sister-in law has had some kind of control over my mum- as controls my brother as well but it has been worse since my dad has died. But she really doesn't have my mum's best interest at heart.Which reallyannoys my sister and I. larsxx

tiamaria, thanks for your advise. BTW my mother was like this before my father died and I always had the feeling that my dad didn't like what my mum was doing but never really said anything to her as far as I know. But she is far worse now and I dreaded loosing my father as I knew she would get worse. My sister is really upset with her and refusing to see her this coming weekend. Not that she has said that to my mum but she will just say she is busy. larsxx

lars - I'm just going to put the children to bed. I'll be back shortly. I'd like to help if I can. tm xx

lars, I don't understand what you mean by

what running around? What form filling? Whatever it is, stop doing it! Stop trying to do things for her, stop offering to take her to places, if she asks you to do it say "but isn't SIL doing that? You want her to do everything else for you!"

I would also say stop minding what she says and does, but that's easier said than done, I know! Still, if you can, back off, withdraw, let your brother and SIL do everything for a while and see how that develops. She is behaving badly and upsetting you and your sister so try to leave them all to it.

lars - I'm back again. Ok. So if this behaviour goes way back then the reason behind it is way back in the past, too. Do you have a favourite aunt/godmother/old friend of your Mum's who you can talk to? Since doing my family history and talking to older family members, I've found out the reasons behind many tensions in the family that I knew/felt existed. Lots of things that I had to accept as 'just being that way' now make perfect sense. Something as minor as resembling the 'black sheep' of the family can do it!
I've been 'cast off'(and still am) by someone very close to me and it's very very hurtful. I can hardly believe that she doesn't return my phone calls & e-mail messages, doesn't send me a b/day card etc. The only way I'm coping is by not chasing her. If she wants to ignore me, then I'm not going to feed her ego by doing all the running. I know where you're coming from! tm xx

Janh, the form filling was for her pension,council tax,etc and taking her to the shops and pension offices etc .
Put it this way Janh some funny things have gone on like my sister-in -law couldn't get a bank statement for mum took her 2 months- she happens to work for the bank where my mum's account is. My mum doesn't question it and totally trust them with everything .
When my father died my sister-in-law went through my father bank accounts- I was really angry but didn;t say anything.
You are saying what my brother-in-law said he thinks the same thing we should back off.
My brother and his wife appear to want to be in full control of her finances and have not offered to give us all a copy of my mother's will I just can't understand it. larsxx

tiamaria, I know how you must feel,I know my sister feels that way as the 'black sheep'. I feel my mother's resentment ia the fact my father and I was close and got on very well and we always stuck together and I think she resented that as shortly after he died she your just like your father but said in a nasty tone. Larsxx

lars, the way your brother and SIL are behaving sounds very dodgy...however if your mother is happy with it I don't think you can do much about it.

It sounds as if you would like her to appreciate you and your sister more, but she's not listening to you at the moment - how would you choose to deal with the situation? Your BIL thinks you should back off - what does your DH think?

Lars - Your brother and his wife are making things much worse by being secretive. If there's nothing wrong then why are they the only ones in the know? Has she given them power of attorney should she be unable at any time in the future to look after her finances herself? She should keep control herself and just ask advice from others, surely? That's what my mil does. tm

tiamaria, yes we have said this to my mum about keeping control of her own accounts and she agrees and then says I've given this cheque to db.
It's as if she is playing a game with us. She tells us one thing and does another. She has become secretive and I really resent this. As for my brother and SIL I just feel I don't trust them now which has made me feel really unhappy with the sitation. larsxx

Lars - Sorry, crossed post there. I was exactly the same as you. I loved my Dad so much. My Mum never, as far as I recall, touched me, kissed me, told me she loved me etc. She passed away first so it was different for me. He cared for us all equally and did everything absolutely fairly. So....is there anyone who can be a go-between for you and your Mum? Someone she'll open up to? tm xx

Lars - Sorry, another crossed post! I can touch type, but have to draft and re-draft and then I get left behind on threads! Do you think it might have a medical cause? Is she on medication and not taking her tablets correctly, possibly? tm xx

tiamaria, Yes exactly the same, my mother never really showed her feeling. My dad didn't always show his feelings much, but I always knew he really loved me and I know the pain of loosing him will never go away.
My DP doesn't say too much but is never surprised but my mum's actions. He thinks she causing trouble and makes situations worse.
My aunt my dad's sister has no time for my mother and is not surprised by her manner.
Janh- Am i right to worry about my brother and SIL behaviour too? larsxx
larsxx

Sobernow, thanks for your advice and I'm sorry to hear you had this kind of experience with your own mother. My mother's jealousy about my relationship with my father could be the cause of her resentment.
Tiamaria, thanks for your posting has been a great help. My mother is on medication for high blood pressure and panick attacks but she was like this before. so I'm not really surprised by her actions. larsxx

Lars - Yes, my father didn't show his feelings either; but I knew he knew we loved each other. If he was working out in the cold & rain, that's exactly where I'd be, too! Remember also that as he loved you, he wouldn't want you to be hurting or sad. Do you know the 'Do not stand by my grave and weep' poem? If not, I'll try to remember it. I found it comforting when I needed it. The 'causing trouble and making situations worse' bit sounds familiar to me, I'm sorry to say. I think perhaps in your situation I would say 'I'm here for when you need me, but I'm going to back off a bit for a while', and then see what happens. tm xx

Sobernow, I never thought so before but I know my sil's father did the same to his brother. so who knows?
My sister says my sil can't look us in the eye but I don't know if this is because we don't trust her. larsxx

tiamaria, thanks for that. Yes I think I'm going to back off and say i'm busy too this week. She will think it's strange but I really cannot feel like this all the time. I have another sister as well, she lives in Aussie and is coming over in 2 weeks so this shall be interesting, watch this space! larsxx

Lars - Take good care of yourself. If you need me just let me know. If you want to use 'contact another talker' to contact me, please feel free. tm xx