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Original poster

Friend over stepping the mark!

27 replies

SkidDollop · 03/12/2006 18:42

I've changed my name because my friend sometime lurks on here, but I am a regular.

I posted the following on a different forum a while ago. I'd be interested to hear what you think because, something else happened a few weeks ago and I am kicking myself now because I don't think I dealt with it really.

"I have recently thought that one of my friends is slightly over stepping the mark in disciplining my children. She is quite strict with them, which I'm not overly concerned about as we spend a lot of time together and my kids are very familiar with her.

On Monday night the children were playing after school and there was some bickering and shoving which ended up with my ds hitting my friends dd in the eye. He did not intend to hit her, it just sort of happened. My friend shouted at ds and told him to sit on her naughty step. When he refused, she picked him up under her arm and carried him out to the stairs.

Now, while I would have probably dealt with the situation the same way, I feel that I should have been given the chance to deal with it myself, rather than my friend taking control. What do you think?"

OP posts:
LorinaLovesSprouts · 03/12/2006 18:51

I think if you physically lay hands on another person then there is no doubt that you have overstepped the mark.

lulumama · 03/12/2006 18:53

i think it is ok to discipline friends kids IF you all have similar ideas of what constitutes discipline and how far to take it.......if you would not have picked up her child and done the same, she needs to know ...

how old are the children>

HunkerTheInternetPhenomenon · 03/12/2006 18:54

She overreacted - no doubt a red mist "how dare you hurt my precious daughter" moment - she should have let you deal with it.

Have there been any similar occasions in the past and how have you/she reacted? Do you "cross-discipline" usually?

ChristmasCaroligula · 03/12/2006 18:56

Very much depends on the relationship with the friend.

But on the whole, yes, very big-arsed behaviour. She should have let you deal with it first.

EllieChocolateOrange · 03/12/2006 18:56

If you were there, I think it is a bit weird, as it may look strange to your child that my mummy is there but someone else is telling me off. Even if you would have done the same thing, she should have given you the chance to do it.

Original poster
SkidDollop · 03/12/2006 18:57

My ds is 6, her dd is 8.

The thing that happened recently is worse I think. I don't know what had happened but my dd aged 4, had obviously done something she shouldn't, not sure what as I was doing something else. Next thing I hear dd having a complete fit, my friend had taken her upstairs and shut her in her bedroom and was holding the door shut.

OP posts:
lulumama · 03/12/2006 18:58

eeeeeeeeek!
way too over the top.......i would discuss this with her if possible, let her know you are not comfortable with the way she is disciplining you children.....and you would prefer to deal with the issues yourself.....

HunkerTheInternetPhenomenon · 03/12/2006 18:59

She's a mentalist and needs to be told she's behaving very inappropriately.

ChristmasCaroligula · 03/12/2006 19:00

She's obviously been watching too much Supernanny

dmo · 03/12/2006 19:20

dont mind my friends telling my children off but not manhandling them thats a no no

i would expect your friend to turn to you and let you deal with your own child

Original poster
SkidDollop · 03/12/2006 21:45

I think she thinks I'm not capable of dealing with things myself and that she's being helpful. She told me recently that she thinks that my dd2 has no boundaries and that she gets away with stuff because she is little and funny.

I feel annoyed with myself really, because I'm obviously too weak to tell her that I wasn't happy. I might send my kids up to their room if they are being particularly annoying, but I wouldn't hold the door shut and I certainly wouldn't do it to someone else's kids.

OP posts:
SantasFattymumma · 03/12/2006 21:49

if you share similar discipline techniques and she was watching yoru kids then yes fine.

But if you were present she had no right to discipline your child, you are his mother and that is your job.

paulaplumpbottom · 03/12/2006 21:52

I don't think you should disipline other people's children when they are right there. Only if you are looking after them on your own.

ChristmasCaroligula · 03/12/2006 22:41

I think she's not the one to decide your DD's boundaries; seems to me she's got a little trouble understanding her own boundaries. Talk about the beam in your own eye.

prufrock · 03/12/2006 22:58

Completely out of order as you were there. I have spoken firmly to friends children and put them on the step when they were in my house in my charge (ie friend wasn't there) and I know she wouldn't mind. But if a parent is present it is up to them to discipline in any situation other than immediate removal from danger/causing harm to others.

I would probably (being a wuss) not say anything now, until it happens again, when I would say (very sweetly because I hate confrontation) that you would "rather you be left to discipline your own children - after all if they don't see me telling them off they will think they can get away with it"

SueW · 03/12/2006 23:03

Do you usually discipline your children when they are in her house?

Only ask cos I know a mum who doesn't seem to take any responsibility for her kids when she is at someone else's house. It's like she's saying 'Your house, your rules. I don't know what the rules are so you get on with it.'

CountTo10LordsaLeaping · 03/12/2006 23:08

I think she's a little over the top with what she's doing and as you were there she should have given you the chance to deal with it. When my friends look after ds I make it clear how we discipline and let the know that I am more than comfortable with them disciplining in my absence. However, when we are all together, we discipline our own children unless out of the room and even then within limits. We all share similar ideas re discipline but we also respect each others boundaries and the fact that to disipline another persons child in front of their parent without giving the parent that chance, undermines that parent imo. I think this friend crossed the line and should have attended to her own child rather than taking out her annoyance on yours. Could you have a gentle word with her about it?

MerryChipmonkAndAHappyNewey · 03/12/2006 23:32

Agree with Caligula!
I thought the instance with your ds was overstepping the mark but the instance with your dd was way way out of line and a shocking thing to do to your own child or anyone else's!

HumphreyCushiONtheFirstNoel · 03/12/2006 23:36

What did you say to your friend when she picked up your son, and when she put your daughter in the room and held the door shut?

snowleopard · 03/12/2006 23:38

Surely a normal person would only ever actually grab or restrain another person's child to stop anyone coming to harm - eg my friend has grabbbed my DS's hand to stop him poking her DD in the eye or whatever, and vice versa (they are tiny and not being deliberately nasty) - and I have caught another mum's toddler who was running towards the road. But she is dishing out punishments - not the same thing at all IMO and not her place to do it.

NappiesGaloreBahHumbug · 03/12/2006 23:41

agree w caligula; too much supernanny and no idea of her own boundaries.

think you need to have a word. but dont be scared, theres no need to be confrontational about it; youre just taking care of your childrens interests... if she wants to get aggro when youre talking, well. rather confirms your place on the moral highground, doesnt it?

tigermoth · 03/12/2006 23:56

I would spend a lot less time with this friend tbh.

If its common for her to wade in and discipline your children without giving you a chance to do anything, and you disagree with the how and why of her discipline, it will end in tears.

It undermines you in front of your children, and might really affect the link you have with them. It is already making you increasingly resentful - a sure fire way of eroding whatever friendship you have with this person.

The two situations you describe, especially what she did to your dd, would make me cross, too. The physical contact sounds much too OTT,

Why put you and your children into this stressful situation? I cannot for the life of me see why this woman is a nice person to have around you a lot tbh. She could even be a dangerous influence on your children - I mean if a teacher or playclub worker did what she has done, you'd complain long and loud wouldn't you?

As you have not told her goodbye yet, she must have some redeeming features - if possible, can you say what they are?

Stockingsofdinosaurs · 04/12/2006 08:38

She probably forgot you were there because she got the red mist that descends when someone hurts your child and to her eyes you didn't step in quickly enough to remove your child from the scene. It probably nearly killed her not to smack him!
I'm not trying to excuse her but it seems like she finds your kids hard work. She obviously has a shorter fuse / different level of what is acceptable when it comes to naughtiness and that's not easy to ignore.
If you want to stay friends you're going to need to work harder at watching your kids, especially if at her house. In your house you could expect her to sit on her hands and bite her tongue. I think the onus is on the guest to respect the host's rules.

Original poster
SkidDollop · 04/12/2006 09:46

Thanks for all your replies.

Firstly, I do discipline my children and I'm not in the habit of letting them do what they like, particularly hurting other children.

After the first incident, I did ask her why she didn't give me a chance to deal with things and she said she was sorry if she'd upset me, but she thought I was feeding ds. I thought that things were sorted out.

The incident with my dd, happened at my house. I think I was cooking tea at the time, there were 6 kids here, and I had missed what had happened. When I realised that dd was crying, I went upstairs and took over. I didn't say anything to my friend really, just went into dd's bedroom, asked to her calm down and then bought her back downstairs.

There was another incident at school the other day, when I had to pop in and see the teacher and my friend watched the kids outside the classroom for me. When I came out, she had dd under her arm, because dd refused to move and they needed to walk down and collect the others from the Junior School. I didn't have a problem with her physically moving dd if she wasn't co-operating but then my friend went on to tell her dd, that my dd had been really horrible, which did upset me a bit.

I know I am probably painting a bad picture of her, but she really has been a very good friend to me. She is, on the whole, very good with my children, she plays with them, talks to them and has a joke with them. She helps me out a lot in practical ways and I would probably be lost without her. I am a single parent with lots of kids, so I need a hand ocassionally.

Maybe it is the fact that we spend so much time together that she feels she can discipline them. If they are playing up then I don't really have a problem with that, I just think that on these occasions she has gone too far. I need to find a way to deal with any future incidents if they arise.

Just for the record, her dd's are not angels by any stretch of the imagination, but I just don't get so involved in disciplining them. I would certainly not shut them in their rooms.

OP posts:
ChristmasCaroligula · 04/12/2006 10:48

SD, maybe you should wait for the chance to discipline her kids and pounce when they're out of line! Then she'll perhaps realise how inappropriate her behaviour is.