Just pondering birth order - does where you are in your family affect how you parent?

[hunkermunker]

I'm the oldest.

I am really empathising with DS1 atm as DS2 grabs all his toys, enters his personal space (DS2 is learning to stand up and has a handy toddler-sized support - or so he thinks...) and basically gets to grips with "sharing" everything.

Would I feel more empathy for DS2 had I been the youngest, do you think? I mean, clearly I mediate and I make sure they take turns, etc - and I don't have a favourite - it's more about feeling more empathy for the big kid whose space has been invaded.

Am I alone in this? Do youngests feel more empathy for their youngest? Middle children feel more for their middle children?

I am the older in family (have one younger sister) and DH is the oldest (has a brother and a sister).

I think I possibly am more empathetic to DS (3) as DD (14 months) is constantly wanting to play with his toys etc.

Although as my sister is 7 years younger than me, I never had the same sort of issues that DS does.

Where does your DH in his family?

I am the youngest and have always struggled against being very unfairly biased towards the youngest in the family

it was always a problem for me when I was working (was a nanny for 10 years).

I thought this thread was going to be about whether birth order affected our parenting styles and I would be interested in that as well. I am fairly liberal, not excessively so, but would imagine this is typical of youngest children, as well.

I think I am fairly liberal as a parent to be honest. Probably more liberal than some of DS's friends' parents anyway.

DH is also a precious first born

Franny, by all means make this thread into being about that too

I am also liberal in my parenting style - how would you imagine a first-born would parent?

I have been navel-gazing about it - DS2 seems "easier in his skin" than DS1 somehow - I think it is easier for children to be born into a family where there are already children because it's set up for them. We know what babies are like, the kinds of way they're likely to behave - we have all the equipment we'll need, we know "this too shall pass", etc, etc.

For instance, DS1 is going to preschool in January - I've never had a preschooler before and I don't know the drill - when DS2 goes, I'll be an old hand. I'm clearly not saying "Oh, DS1, you make my life SO hard, all these new things you're doing" - but it doesn't come as naturally to me to deal with the next stage of his development, so it's not an automatic response - I'm not explaining this very well!

i am third of four - i have five...
i think its hardest for the eldest definitely.I am so lax with 4 and 5 compared to how i was with 1 and 2

Nope. I'm girl-after-2-boys like BabyDragon and I have no sympathy for her at all.

I was very taken by Cod's idea of taking her oldest DS to Paris by himself. Made me fair wistful that did. Asked my mum if she'd take me to Paris now...

Yeah, but you're hard as nails Soupy

HM, I know what you mean about the second one doing the things the first one has done. DS is at pre-school and I had some qualms about it.

With DD, I will not have any concerns. It helps that she has come in with me every time I take DS and so she will fit in (in fact she would like to go already, but I remind her that she still has 16 months to go ).

Yep.

I have no sympathy for EldestDragon either since he's off school having thrown up 3 times yesterday evening and is now perfectly Ok. Bah!

I'm the younger and I constant find myself feeling ds2's durt and frustration at being 2nd fiddle to his older brother. Dh is the elder child and doesn't see ds2 in same way as me.

I am the eldest of 4

None of my siblings have children and dd is as yet an only so I'm not really in a position to comment on what it is like when you have more than one...

saying that, I remember that I was the first to do everything and that it wasn't always easy. Sticking out in my mind are having to pretend to go to bed at the same time as the others, then get up again so I could watch TOTP or Paul Daniels' Magic Show after 7.00 - being told that I wasn't to expect too much at Christmas as my younger brother was too little to understand money so he was going to get what he wanted - being bollocked for drinking at 17 but my brothers getting away with it.

I hope I will be fairer than that on dd and any possible siblings.

I am the eldest from my dad's second marriage but have 5 older half brothers and sisters which made life interesting so not sure what will happen if and when a second will come.

I'm an eldest (of 3) and do go to lengths to make sure my eldest is treated as a child older than her younger brother iyswim.

I was close in age to my next sibling (just as dd and ds are) and we were always treated as if we were the same age and I never liked that!

What a hard question to answer! I don't think it was birth order so much as gender and favouritism that coloured my childhood. I was neither a favourite nor male so lost out on both counts there. I have always been concerned not to make a favourite of any of mine and I only really wanted boys. (Looking back, I can't believe I felt that - I now know girls are wonderful!!) I'm the third in a GBGB family but my older siblings have a different mother who died when they were tiny. Family position is only one of many influences for me and probably not the most important one.

Dh is in the strange situation of having changed position in the family. His parents lost their first baby then had a ds2, followed by dh and a dd. But dh's much-loved brother was killed when he was 10 and dh was shunted up into the position of being the eldest. There was also another ds born later on as well as three siblings who all died. I think in such complex situations it's hard to know exactly what effects there are but I suspect dh's brother's death affected him far more than any family position.

I think it does, definitely, but I'm not sure in my own case. I was the youngest of three and very much a "youngest child" in every way. Then my parents split up and my mother and stepfather adopted another child, a little boy who died, then another little boy who was a coupleo f years younger than me and had severe autism. Then they had their own little boy, and adopted a little girl the same age as him (she is severely disabled mentally and physically). My older siblings left home at 15 and 16, so I had a brief spell as middle child, and then several years of being the eldest, lots of babysitting and eldest child stuff. So I don't know how it would have affected me, it might be a bit more complicated than the simple cause and effect of birth order affecting parenting.

I do think it's a factor though, there is a correlation between birth order and adult behaviour IMO, although it's a pretty loose and flexible correlation.

I dont think it does me, personally.

I was a middle child, and an only daughter. I think i was quite lucky in that my parents backgrounds made them highly aware themselves and did their best to balance things.

THe only problems that arose in our family was when my youngest brother was born - 5 years age gap (13 and 23 months between me and my brothers so pretty close).

BAsically - i dont think i was treated in a way that makes me feel like i need to "correct" that in my parenting, iykwim?

I think the fact that I am the youngest of my family (4 siblings in total) had something to do with the fact that I struggled with the responsibility of being a parent. Having never really been responsible for anything in my life ever, and always being 'looked out for' by my older sister and brothers, at 29 I the responsibility of being a mother completely overwhelming ... It made me grow up pretty damn sharpish I will have to say ....

I too feel my empathy toward DD (my youngest) but that is partly because she is a girl (I understand her), partly because I had a much more pleasant birth with her and therefore I bonded with her much better than with DS (I recognised her) and partly because she is the youngest I guess.
I get very annoyed when DS teases her just for the sake of it ... my siblings did that and I hated it with a passion .... although I do recognise that teasing probably goes with the territory of being an older brother.

What a badly written post ... eeew