PLEASE READ - though it is a little sensitive

[sarahinphuket]

Having just read through the thread on sexual abuse, and alse reading a thread that VVVQV started a couple of months back (someone linked to it on today's thread) and reading about how worried everyone is about their DDs growing up, I wanted to say something.

I had child protection training a few weeks ago, from a fantastic woman who oversees many childcare centres and has set up child protection programmes throughout the Middle East, South and South East asia.

Anyway, we were obviously talking about sex abuse in children - and one of the (many) things that has stuck in my memory from that training is the importance of us to teach our children the proper words for vagina/penis/anus etc, however 'taboo' this might seem. She said that if we teach our children other names (and the example she used was 'flower') then how would we ever expect them to report things?

She gave an example of a busy woman who had 7 children. The girls had all been taught to call their vaginas 'flowers'. One day she was busy cooking for the family and trying to watch her two youngest children at the same time. Her eldest daughter came to her upset and said "Mummy he took/touched my flower" - now remember this mum is really busy. What did she say to her daughter? "Oh never mind, just go and pick another one"

Now I am fully aware that this story is probably made up to illustrate a point, but it really hit home with me. How can I expect my DD to be able to tell me if something awful has happened to her, if she doesn't have the language to use?

If I teach her 'flower' or something else, would that be taken as evidence in court? However, if she could say 'he put his hand in my vagina' then she could communicate accurately, without any shadow of a doubt.

I am certainly thinking about my own DD now (she is 3) and thinking carefully about the things I learned in my training.

I'm truly sorry if this has touched a raw nerve for anyone, but I feel that it is really really important, and I wanted to share it in the hope that we can empower our own children.

Message withdrawn

I should also have mentioned that this lady said it is important that we also teach our children that these words are not necessarily to be shouted all around the place in every day usage (IYSWIM)!

Point well made, and taken, sarahinphuket. Thank you.

A very good point indeed, and I think you have made it sensitivley too.

I don't have any DD's, but we call DS's boys bit his willy, and I'm confident enough that everyone would know what this was had he need to tell anything about it.

sarahinphuket I totally agree with you on this. I shall be teaching my dd the correct names ie vulva, vagina etc and already use these words when I am doing nappy changes etc. I must admit it does make me cringe slightly but that's my hang-up.

well done

Callisto - the thought makes me cringe too, but as you say, that's my own hang up.

During our training - and to make us all feel more comfortable with talking about all this, she made us get into groups and make up songs that used penis, vagina and anus at least 3 or 4 times each. We were all highly embarrassed, but after a hearty chorus of "It's raining vaginas, hallelujah", followed by "Head, vaginas knees and toes" we all felt much better!

sarah, well done for starting this thread, you have made a really important point.

When I was a social worker doing statutory children and families work, our work with one family actually went so far as a child protection conference to establish whether the child should go on the register for sexual abuse and that was due to the child using a euphemism....misunderstandings abounded....a family member made an anonymous referral and the system cranked into action, and once it starts there is a certain point that HAS to be got to.....

but yes I agree, I do talk to ds with the proper terminology but I am convinced that one day soon he will loudly talk to some random stranger about VAGINAS, probably a scandalised old lady....however as you say that's our hang-up!

I think that this is an excellent point. I intend to teach my dd the correct words with which to describe her own body.

.

big bump
I want more people to read this so they can 'help' their own children!

It does strike me that if we all grit our teeth and use the proper terminology the hang-ups will cease with us and our sons and daughters will quite blithely chat about their vulvas and penises (penis'/peni???) 'til the cows come home.

And what is the plural for err penis (or maybe I should be asking how you spell it, oops).

Bump for the evening crowd.