DD1 age 7 is breaking my heart

[Glassofwine]

Don't know which topic to post under as it covers a few, but dd1 has an inset day today and has just burst into tears and really sobbed for ages. She said that she doesn't have a very nice life, she hates having a brother and sister, she's not very clever and has no friends.

We moved house and therefore school when she went into yr 2. The new school is fab and much better than the previous one, which was part of our reason for moving. However she went from top ability groups in the previous school to bottom ones in this. I think her confidence has been seriously knocked, she is in a class with some particularly bright children and really feels the difference. Also as she lacks confidence she won't go to the teacher if she needs help as she thinks the others will laugh at her.

Two girls she was friends with have decided they don't want to be friends and although they are not being horrible have made it clear they don't want to know. DD is feeling very sad and says that other girls have been saying that she doesn't have many friends. I think she's one of those girls who would love to have a 'best' friend. I do try to invite friends for tea on a regular basis and they get along fine, dd finds it hard sometimes that the'guest' gets to choose, but I suspect thats fairly normal.

I just don't know what to do, she doesn't like school work and I try to encourage her at home, but at the same time I don't want nag and feel that home should be about relaxing. She is behind other children in her class and we have spoken to her teacher who is assesing her more closely this term and will talk to us again before Christmas. What is upsetting me is how much she is feeling all of this, she doesn't want to be the thick girl in the class and feels that she is. Her teacher has said that in a 'normal' school she'd just be an average child, but this class is of a high standard. How on earth do I boost her confidence - I praise etc a lot, but she says I'm just saying it and that I say she's clever because I'm her Mum.

I had to really stop myself crying when she said she had a horrible life - what can I do to make it better for her?

oh no your poor poor DD - I have a 7 year old DD too.

Does she do anything out of school like Brownies/dance class/horse riding? She might find a special friend in a smaller group who goes to her school?

I really feel for you, I think I'd have found it hard not to cry too.

It sounds like you're doing all you can - glad the school are taking it seriously.

Sorry if I've not been much help.

short-term, a bit of one to one time with you or DH might do her the world of good - a pizza and cinema trip or similar?

It sounds as if you are being really supportive and it's good that she can let out her feelings and have you listen. There's no quick solution for not being the top of the class or the most popular - that is really hard. But could you find something she really does like and do well - anything, whether it's an art or music thing, a sport, dancing, gardening, or whatever - and encourage her, do things with her, take her to shows or galleries and help her with her hobby. Then she will have something that' sjust for her and that she knows she can do - while of course encouraging and supporting her gently with the schoolwork and friendships too.

Thanks MamaG

Yes, she does do some after school activities, but we live in a small village - so it's all the same group of people. I don't think she is totally friendless, but she is getting upset about it.

We have the same thing - are you close to any of the Mums? If your DD likes certain girls, maybe you cuold quietly speak to Mum and let her know whats going on, maybe you could throw your DDs together at every opportunity - you never know...

Has your dd felt this upset for long? Sometimes girls fall out and are nasty but it resolves itself one way or another after a week.

Sounds like she's still settling in. I'd try to carry on being calm, not viewing these issues as problems, comfort & reassure her and see if there's a change in a week.

oh {{hugs}} Can she get into an after school activity? I didnt have many friends at school but I went horse riding everyday and had loads of friends there... it was great.

agree with pointydog. Also remember they are very tired by this time. I can sympathise though as my dd1 is one of the less high achievers in her class - it is also a particularly bright class and a good school. I am amazed that they stream them into ability groups that obviously though - dd1 doesn't really understand that her reading isnt as good as others in the class and they don't seem to be streamed that obviously. Also the teacher really stresses the things that she IS good at - does yours do this? Is she good at drawing, or sport, or does she love being read to? My dd1 is 'into' all these things and I constantly bang on about how fabulous she is at them.

A good way of praising is to do 'descriptive praise', eg not 'what a good drawing arent you clever' but 'oh I love it, I especially like the way you have managed that horse's mane, that must have been hard' - this shows them that you are really looking and listening.

Thanks you all - its good to know this isn't untypical. I think I do the descriptive praise etc, but you know it's easy to take your eye off the ball a bit now that she's older. Being more independant now, I'm not sure how much stuff I actually do WITH her anymore. I'm going to make a bit more effort.

She also said that everyone treats her like a baby - she is the youngest in the class too. We have dd2 and ds1 aged 3 & 4 and I do think we are still a bit in toddler-ish mode and perhaps need to move on a bit as a family.

Can you tell I'm blaming myself?

does she gety to stay up later than them? worked wonders with dd1

we do the staying up later thing with dd as well - works wonders even if it is only something like half an hour

I also think she must be very tired. My yr 2 dd is absolutely exhausted and has been bursting into tears at the most ridiculous things for the last week or so.

yes, she does stay up 1/2 an hour later - sometimes more. They are all off to my Mum's to be spoilt for the weekend, so hopefully that'll cheer her up. My DM is likely to let her stay up very late, so I'll have to have a word with her or DD will be shattered by Sunday.

I'll have to think of some more 'grown up' things to do with her. We were letting her watch X Factor with us, but it's fallen by the wayside.

My DD1 is 6 and loves a "girly day" when we leave DD2 at home with DH, get the train into the city centre, do lunch (sometimes BK ) and look round the shops.

sorry to hear this I have a ds who's 9 and one 6 and when they say stuff like this it breaks my heart too. I hope it'll pass soon hun.

Don't know if anyone has mentioned this but Stagecoach is amazing for confidence building.

My dd1 is going through this too. Last Friday I picked her up from school without her younger siblings, got the bus into town (sat upstairs at the front, was generally lighthearted and silly with her, singing etc (!). Then went shopping for a party dress and some high heels (from Next - that I have always curled my lip at til now), had tea like laydeez etc etc. She was a different child for days afterwards - did my heart good! She is also at a good school and is not the brightest in the class, and I think it gets quite intense. She is very sensitive to the other girls' cruelness - she just doesn't get it. Anyway, the one-to-one attention thing definitely gave her a boost imo.