I'm sorry, I rarely swear, but why is everything so FUCKING hard?

[earlgrey]

From not getting her socks on (too small) although I've taken to getting her a new pair each day.

Uniform's too warm.

Hair is 'having a weekend'.

The list is endless. She's eight. I thought by now it would be better, but it seems like I can only imagine what a teenager might be like, several years early.

I have left the house with DS still only partially clothed. By the time he got to school he had all his clothes on & he hasn't bumbled around procrastinating since then either!
I always help my children get dressed - I don't have an issue with that at all. DS has clammy feet, his school socks are tight & I would rather give him a hand than watch him get more & more frustrated wrestling with his socks. DD is only 4.5 & still struggles with her tights & I help with those too. I am present & encouraging them, but if they start to throw paddies & tell me they're not wearing something then I tell them you can go without. They know I mean it, so it always works.
Earl Grey, there could be all sorts of reasons why your DD is playing up about this, particularly if there are other things going on, but at the end of the day she has to go to school. If she is not going to wear the perfectly suitable clothes you have provided for her, then tell her that she can go without them & then let that be the case. She'll soon change her mind!

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Thank you all so much for your advice/support.

Gillian, will try that but they only have one set of uniform each, which is why I have to wash it every night. Last night they had swimming lessons and were dog tired, which made them want to stay up later, which made the bathtime later etc etc.

NQC, your post has made me laugh for the first time in days!! Thank you! xx

Pruni, thank you, too!

CF, I think you may have a point there, but for the moment there's nothing I can do about it. Strange how it might affect one and not the other, especially when they're only 14 months apart.

Anyhow, reading this has made me feel better, given me some good advice, and without wanting to sound like a complete cheese, Thank You!!

Well what is going wrong pruni? (Not ignoring the fact that this is earlgrey's thread but I think she thinks I am unsympathetic - I am not really). It is not as if I don't have experience of this. My children are 10 (thinks he's a teen and throws strops to prove it), nearly 9 (smart alec), 6 (prima donna) and 3 (well, that alone says it all - 3 is worse than 2 for stroppiness and downright awkwardness IMO). If I gave in to my children, I would be hit on at every angle all day every day.

I tell you what I learnt before I even had children which I use everytime there is a challenge to my authority at home. I used to be a teacher of primary school children and when I first started out, I struggled with discipline as I wanted to be liked by the children. A colleague explained to me that I must regard the classroom as my private domain and not allow liberties that you would not allow at home. I found it worked wonders, just believing that you are in charge and behaving as though you expected to be listened to and obeyed.

The above probably sounds a bit harsh for modern parenting, but you have to think to yourself, this is my room/space/home - what I say goes. I know best. I am a mature adult. I am arguing with a child who does not know everything I know. My job is to teach them.

I will be jumped on now for being too disciplinarian but then I am not the one buying new socks every week.

By the way, as I typed that post, I won an issue with my 3 yo. He is having lunch and wanted to have some crisps. I wanted him to have some apple because I know he needs the fruit. I prepared a piece of apple for him. He threw it in the bin. He could have thrown a tantrum at that point, but fortunately he didn't. It wouldn't have mattered if he had as I would have done the same as I did anyway: I ignored him and typed my response. He realised he was not going to get his crisps until he had eaten the piece of apple so he went and got it out of the bin and started to eat it. (I washed it first!) In a moment he gets his crisps. He wins, but I have won too.

DG I think that recently you have been offering lots of good advice on behavioural issues. I agree that your approach will be seen as too disciplinarian by many on here but I think it is at about the right level. I'm just a bit upset that you reminded me that 3 is worse than 2 for stroppiness having had a hard time with my 2yo recently.

Have to say I fear you have made a rod for your own back. Does all the uniform really need washing every day (even my 5yr old can rewear a tunic for 2-3 days or longer with a spot clean) ? There is absolutely nothing wrong with clean, as opposed to new, socks. Get her to put it out ready the night before how she wants to put it on in the morning - ds likes to hang his on a radiator to be "warm" - then she a cannot complain it is wrong. If she won't do it for you but will for H just calmly walk away and let him deal with it and if needs be let her go with unbrushed hair, it isn't the end of the world adn will get windblown or tangled under a hat anyway.

Thank you Bozza. I have to be good at something (I remember my headmistress at secondary school saying we all have talents and I have been wondering what mine were ever since!)

I do not mean to be unsympathetic to any Mner. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and my weaknesses are on display as much as anyone else's are. I only meant to make earlgrey (and pruni) see that they can be in charge if they think themselves into the role.

I know disciplinarian approaches are not in vogue, and I painted a deliberately negative picture of my children. When people meet them for real, their impression is very different.

Well we obviously realised that there is more to your children than you posted. But I agree that EarlGrey needs help to get back in charge in her own home.

Earlgrey I really think you need to show your DD that you are in charge. DS messes about but usually gets dressed OK and then comes to me to tidy up the collar on his polo shirt. If he messes about too much he gets dressed in the bathroom instead of his bedroom.

And on a purely practical note wouldn't you be better investing all the money you spend on socks on a spare set of uniform?

DG have all your 3yos been stroppier than your 2yos? Really? DS was much stroppier at 3 than 2, but he was quite a lovely 2yo. DD is much more challenging.

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Hi Earlgrey,
I do agree with the socks situation I think if you pander to them too much she will walk all over you my dd is almost 5 and we have had to put our foot down with her over simple little things of getting dressed. I do her hair if she starts making a fuss she goes with it messy .

Could you get some spare uniform on Ebay or something seems you would save yourself a big hassle is it a very expensive or unusual colour i've had to get three school skirt 2 jumpers , 5 school shirts but it can be done quite cheaply.
Recently my dd would'nt eat her lunch at school there was nothing wrong with it , so I got her to eat it for dinner , or she had nothing else and since doing that a few times her teacher said she eats it all now, there was a few tears but I think you have to be alot firmer otherwise it will just go on and then she'll think of something else to complain about and then it just wears you down. Remember your boss!

Pruni, I am not sure how old your children are, but it doesn't always stay like this believe me. Hey things don't run like clockwork in my house either. Every single day I have an issue with ds3 (3) about eating his breakfast. I leave the others to eat theirs by themselves while I shower but ds3 is not a great eater and rarely eats all of any meal. Somehow I can persuade him to eat enough breakfast but then we have to face "The Cup of Milk". this is non-negotiable in my house. He (and the others) have to drink a full cup of milk each morning. he refuses. After the three others go to school, I have 20 minutes in which to get ds3 to drink the darn milk, get washed, dressed and off to playgroup. It is hard. You can't force feed him. I don't want him to go to playgroup without a drink. I want it to be milk. It takes a lot of my emotinal and physical energy every morning to get my way. But somehow, I do. I just keep cheerily saying "One more sip!" "Have another bit of milk!" "See if you can drink your milk while I do x" all the time fighting back the impulse to shout; "Drink your fxxxing milk!"

The point is though, that I have been through this phase 3 times before - well at least twice (see my end comment to Bozza). I know he will grow out of it. Even my ds1 who is 10 and really doesn't choose milk ever to drink, just drinks his mug of milk now because when he was little I left him no option but to drink it and he leart making a fuss won't get him out of it. I appreciate you don't want to be constantly nagging your ds, but believe me, you won't be. He will grow up eventually and he will stop being such a challenge to your authority but only (maybe) if you have established that your authority is absolute. That is what you are doing now when you are going through those daily battles. It is so important not to give in! i hope that helps you. {{hugs}}

Bozza - well, all I can say re the terrible 2 and 3 thing is that ds1 was fine at 2 and a bugger at 3, as is ds3. Dd was a challenge every year from about 1 until about 5. And ds2 was an absolute angel from birth until about 5 and even now, he is a gorgeous boy - so never really a trouble. But in a straight comparison between 2 and 3, I found 3 much worse. But if your son is a challenge at 2 maybe by 3 he will be lovely!

It is my daughter who is a challenge at 2. My son was a sweetheart at 2 but difficult at 3 and 4 (sister born when he was 3.3?) but is generally lovely again at 5.

Pruni - there is a huge difference between what is acceptable in a 3 yo vs an 8yo.

What you describe sounds entirely the norm for a 3yo. What EG is describing does not sound the norm for an 8yo (I have an 8 yo dd myself)!

My real concern for EG is that if she hasn:t sorted this kind of behaviour out by 8yo - she potentially has a very rough few years ahead!

Apologies Bozza. Was muddling you and Pruni. I think generally, when they go to school, they become much easier to handle and then I suppose it all starts up again just before puberty. My ds1 has just come home in a storming temper - won't tell me why - ignored my request to take his shoes off at the door and when I shouted up the stairs to his retreating figure "I asked you to take your shoes off", responded angrily "Why?"

WTF?????

@ new socks every day!! You are growing your very own little diva there earlgrey

DG~ great advice, as usual

Hey Pruni, why did you have to call your MIL when ds played up? Surely all that shows your 3yr old is that you have lost control of the situation and need outside help?
I have to agree that an 8yr old throwing strops like this is a huge deal greater than a 3yr old throwing them!!

Oh no, not back to the why questions DG?

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I know what you mean Pruni. FWIW, I only didn't give practical advice to earlgrey because it had been given already.

But I do still hold by the "you are the parent, take control" way of thinking. Firefly is right: why did you turn to your mil? Desperation I suppose, but you should think about what message you are giving off. Honestly, this is the time for the control issue to be sorted. You won't always be arguing over all the daily routines. Do it now and make life easier for yourself later. Your ds won't hate you for it - children need boundaries, they make them feel safe. Also, just because you have to force your will on them from time to time doesn't mean you can't spend other times letting them call the shots, or just sharing happy time together. It isn't all boot camp chez DumbledoresGirl!

out of synch child- the book- could be a great help. Desensitisation can help a lot. out of synch child has examples of exercises at the back. DS1 used to not be able to wear belts/hats/ non cotton clothes- after a senosry programme he could. We still struggle with haircuts (mentioning ds1 is the spirit of trying to share strategies rather than be competitive in case anyone is rolling their eyes).

Earlgrey, have only read your OP and the first few after but you mave made me smile . Life with kids is fucking hard, there's no getting away from it! My dd (middle child, only girl) has just turned 9 and is similarly dramatic! She was doing so well yesterday morning, organising herself, doing hair, checking school bag etc, then I send her upstairs to clean her teeth and 10 mins later, she is playing trains ith ds (5) and we are running late again. When I got cross, she burst into tears, saying 'I don't belong in this family. Everyone is against me!' Try to see the funny side of it, even though it drives me up the bloody wall

I do think its very true that you have to pick your battles though. DD came out of school today with a miserable, surly face - I just couldn't be arsed once I'd established nothing was wrong. I ignored her and within 10 mins and after having something to eat, she was fine. Likewise, my kids often go to school with no socks, no coats in the rain because they have left them at school/football/piano teacher's house. I'm not the one going cold. Their teachers look at me as if I'm either mad or a callous cow, but they have to learn. I love them all to bits but they have to learn a bit of responsibility and that they are part of a 'family team' - everyone has to chip in to make it workable

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Oh well, selling your house. Nothing come over that.