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Original poster

How would you react if SIL said no presents for each other this year, lets just buy for the kids?

73 replies

northerner · 19/11/2006 22:13

This is what I said to SIL tonight on the phone.I have this arrangement with my friends, everyone has kids and it gets so bloody expensive.

Bil/Sil's income is about 10 times that of ours (no joke) so we can not possibly buy them anything they don't have. I said very nicely, it's getting very expensive, lets just buy for the kids.

Her reply 'Well if you don't want to buy us anything that's fine, but we'd still like to buy for you'

OP posts:
moondog · 19/11/2006 22:29

OMG!!
Nothing pisses me off more than people who give you framed pictures of their kids.
The nerve-!!!!

bigdipper · 19/11/2006 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tommy · 19/11/2006 22:30

we have just said this to DH's sister and her family - she was fine with it (her husband has just lost his job anyway).

Suggested the same to my sister last year 9who is always professing to be skint) and she said "Well. I like buying presents for you...." in a sort of spoilt child kind of way.

I think it's a bit silly really. We only want wine or chocolate anyway unless anyone can afford a new cooker, bedroom carpet or new bathroom which is what we really want but she always insits on buying some household thing which will sit on the shelf and do nothing (last year's is still there )

Chamomile · 19/11/2006 22:47

Er, doesn't every one do this once they all have families? I have 18 nephews and nieces and it wouldn't occur to me to have to buy for their parents as well..

wanderingstar · 19/11/2006 22:51

How touchy of her to be so "off". Otoh maybe she's bought for you already ? That said, there are surely more gracious and less guilt inducing ways of telling you you'll still be getting a present.

definitely stick to your guns though - nothing more than homemade biscuits or a cake if you feel compelled to give anything at all.

Come the New Year I'd repeat the message politely to make sure it's got through.

Original poster
northerner · 19/11/2006 22:53

She hasn't bought for us yet, as she asked me what we wanted. Which is how the subject was raised.

She is very sensitive and easily hurt.

Think I will go with token gift this year, then next year reiterate no presents for grown ups.

OP posts:
PrincessPeaHead · 19/11/2006 23:06

northerner, get her a book which you have read and enjoyed, and write something nice in it. a paperback will do. it is a present, it shows thought, and it will cost a fiver.

frankly I wish more people would give me £5 books that I can read and enjoy rather than £20 crap that I feel guilty about giving straight to the charity shop.

satine · 19/11/2006 23:11

I think you should stick to your guns, Northerner. Xmas is madly expensive and most adults only give each other useless stuff anyway.
You're absolutely right, and if your SIL wants to make a point, then let her.

christie1 · 20/11/2006 06:16

Stick to your guns, she will get over it ( or if she doesn't you can't help it). We buy for no one in our families. we started it years and years ago and, despite the initial grumbling from a vew people (who always grumble about something anyway) it is so much easier. I buy for our kids, small gifts for dh and I, I also give a donation to charity every christmas. Would rather do that then buy something for people who don't need it (and I can't afford). Maybe tell your SIL you are using hte money on gifts for a charity donation, she can hardly get mad about that?

ludalightsandlanterns · 20/11/2006 06:37

We never buy for the adults either...just for the kids...and thats a nightmare in itself!I have 9 children to buy for...not including my own... 5 nephews and 4 nieces...its just too much!
The only adults who get pressies are my parents and my dh mother...and I am making them all food this year.
I would stick to your guns too Northener....It is just very silly how expensive xmas can be.

NotQuiteCockney · 20/11/2006 07:28

Ah, my SIL announced they were doing this, last year, after they'd had their first kid. We were outraged, how dare they dictate ... naw, not really, we were happy.

I think we did get them a gift last year, but it was one of those Oxfam things, so very very token, not adding any more crap to their lives.

We'll go along with it this year, too.

Last year, though, MIL and FIL bought themselves gifts to be from SIL and BIL, as well as buying gifts for SIL and BIL. So to say they don't accept it is going a bit far. They do seem to be trying to get DH to pick out my Xmas gifts this year, which is a good thing, a MIL's taste and mine couldn't be much further apart.

SparklyfestiveYellowFeathers · 20/11/2006 07:34

I absolutely love giving presents and finding something I know that the receiver will love.
But this year has proved to be very expensive.
If my B&SIL had kids I would do the same as you Northener.
I dont know about anyone else but if we need something for the house or for ourselves we just buy it (money permitting) so there is usually nothing we really want or should I say need.

redshoes · 20/11/2006 07:38

We stopped years ago, as soon as we all had kids I think. A few years ago, we stopped buying for each other's kids too - but we aren't particularly close. I would rather spend on my own kids, and let them spend on theirs. I think if you buy her a 'token' gift you are somehow admitting you are wrong to suggest it - and you're not. I'd stick to my guns, and keep repeating the message before then.

NotQuiteCockney · 20/11/2006 08:30

YellowFeathers, in the run up to Xmas, I try to spot household things that we need, but not desperately, so I can ask MIL to get them for us. She likes to buy things for us, and she spends quite a bit, so we might as well make sure they'll be things we'll actually want and use.

katierocket · 20/11/2006 08:33

We only buy for the kids too - we just can't afford it.

ProfYaffle · 20/11/2006 08:37

Oh I wish my ils would say this! I hate buying for the inlaws (have no siblings myself) they buy me tat I don't like, I buy them slightly more expensive stuff they assume is tat and also don't like, then they ring dh and bitch about it.

kando · 20/11/2006 09:10

[Sorry, haven't read whole thread yet!] God, I had this exactly last week, except it was my mother! Like you, Northerner, I am getting exasperated at how expensive Christmas is getting and think it should be for the kids now. So I said this to all the adults in my family, and the inlaws. They're all fine with it which is great. My mother, on the other hand ... said more or less the same as your SIL but not quite so diplomatically put!

ernest · 20/11/2006 09:29

I'd be delighted, except we already had this arrangement, cos I said it to her about 3 years ago. I hate buying presents just for the sake of it, and these days that's just what it is, as they have everything they want.

btw, I think she took it really badly, and her still going ahead and buying for you if off and would be embarrassing. I'd phone her again & repeat you don't want her to, and if she really feels she has to spend some money on a pressie for you, you'd rather it was a goat or something (Not for you obv)

fennel · 20/11/2006 09:40

We try and mostly do this, we tend to emphasise the enviromnental wastage of all that extra crap none of us really wants or needs. That takes it away from being about what you can afford.

Enid · 20/11/2006 09:43

I said this to my SIL and dsis this year

we are quite skint atm but we are trying to spend a bit more on our nieces and nephews to compensate

YeahBut · 20/11/2006 09:48

Don't give in Northerner. Isn't this the SIL that wanted you to babysit all weekend but kicked up a stink about your MIL looking after your kids? She sounds very needy. You shouldn't pander to her.
The only adult I want to buy a gift for is my dh because I know what he wants and will actually use. Nothing worse than the endless scarves and candles that clutter up the cupboards all year.
We do order a small hamper for our parents from M&S but again, it's something that will be used.
Repeat after me..."Christmas is for the children."

imaginaryfriend · 20/11/2006 09:49

We've done that for the last 3 years. I'm Jewish so Christmas has never been a big deal for me. I barely know SIL so would only buy her something pointless. And Christmas is for kids.

Original poster
northerner · 20/11/2006 09:52

Yeahbut that's the one!

OP posts:
Lio · 20/11/2006 09:52

We do this with lots of our friends/family northerner, much easier all round.

Rhubarb · 20/11/2006 09:53

I've got 5 brothers and sisters and 14 nieces and nephews, dh has 6 brothers and sisters and 9 nieces and nephews. His family are actually very good about these things, they don't send anything on birthdays and don't expect anything either, at Christmas the kids get from grandparents and certain brothers and sisters might get for each other but that's it.

I wish my family were the same, they throw a strop if their kids don't get anything on birthdays, but yes they always send mine something. At Christmas I have said that I can't afford to buy everyone something, I try to buy a little something for the kids but there are 14 of them! So now I have a policy of one present per family. They still send my kids presents but that is their choice. I don't expect it. They know I can't afford to do that so hopefully there's no hard feelings.

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