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Original poster

Is HE being unreasonable ? No.1

16 replies

marthamoo · 06/05/2004 16:45

Dh works about 10 minutes walk away from our house. Since we have lived here (3 years) he has usually popped home for his lunch.

Yesterday, I was at my friend's house for lunch (I usually do this on a Wednesday) and he rang me on my mobile and demanded to know where I was - and "how long [I had} been there?" It turned out a parcel had been delivered and no-one had been there to get it. No big deal, but he was really peed off and seemed to feel it was my fault for being out. He did apologise later but I was really narked with him. It's not as if I knew the parcel was coming yesterday or I would have waited in for it.

Cut to today: I waited in for the parcel. It arrived at just gone 1 and so I got ds2 ready to go out to the shops and the library. Dh turned up as we were heading out. He said (I still can't quite believe this) "Are you going out?" (no, I just put ds2 in his pushchair for the fun of it) then "I don't think I'm going to bother coming home at lunchtime any more - it's pointless - you're never in."

I feel that what he really wants is for me to be here, waiting, to make him sandwich and a coffee every lunchtime. And I'm just not prepared to do it! If I'm entirely honest I would prefer he didn't come home at lunchtime - it is a bind, because I know he likes it when we are here. Plus, I never invite a friend back for coffee/lunch as I know he will pitch up and put a male dampener on any girlie chats.

Is he unreasonable or am I a bad wife?

OP posts:
Tinker · 06/05/2004 16:48

Yes.
No.

Nutcracker · 06/05/2004 16:51

Well i don't think it should be a problem if he comes home for lunch but i don't see why you should have to be there.

Crunchie · 06/05/2004 16:54

Agree with Tinker (!) nuff said

gscrym · 06/05/2004 16:54

If he wants to come home for lunch and have you there so that you can have a chat, spend time together, fine. Get him to arrange a time with you and tell him he can get the sarnies in.
He's being unreasonable and no you aren't a bad wife.

bea · 06/05/2004 16:55

ditto Tinker!!!

motherinferior · 06/05/2004 16:58

ditto Tinker.

Thomcat · 06/05/2004 17:01

My take on what you should discuss with DH -

Why doesn't he come home home every day and do what he wants and if you're there you're there as and explain to him that you love him dearly but it can feel like a bit of a bind sometimes. Then suggest that now and then, as often as you both feel like it, arrange with each other that you will be home and you can all have lunch together.

Beetroot · 06/05/2004 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Frenchgirl · 06/05/2004 17:17

I think it's lovely for all of you that he can come home for lunch, am very jealous! But, he should not expect you to be there every day or it will turn into a chore for you and the pleasant time you could spend together will disappear. Arrange when you can be home for lunch and when you can't, he has to let you have a life!

lou33 · 06/05/2004 17:43

He's wrong. Simple as that.

roisin · 06/05/2004 18:08

I'm fortunate that dh is usually here for lunch (he works from home). If either of us is not going to be here we let each other know in the morning - no pressure though. For me it's a privilege to be in this situation.

But I still think your dh is being a bit unreasonable in his expectations.

Clarinet60 · 07/05/2004 12:57

My DH often comes home for lunch, but wouldn't dream of expecting me to make it, or indeed, wait in.

Yes, he is being unreasonable. He should be grateful to you for taking your child out and about.

Original poster
marthamoo · 07/05/2004 18:39

Thanks all

Lovely to be given the unanimous moral high ground he apologised last night and said he hadn't been "having a go" (yeah right?). I calmly pointed out that he cannot reasonably expect me to be home every lunchtime, and if he asks me in the morning I will try and give him an idea of whether I will be or not.

So thankyou wise MNers, because my first instinct yesterday was just to be out every single day til he got really peed off!! Childish, moi?

OP posts:
eddm · 07/05/2004 18:43

Well done on being calm yet assertive in the face of provocation - I would have probably lost my rag and sulked

WideWebWitch · 07/05/2004 20:30

Haven't read the other responses marthamoo but we had a sort of similar situation when I was at home and dp used to come home for lunch. I used to accuse him of 'swanning in, making a mess and swanning out again' and sometimes I wanted to talk to him, sometimes not. You know how it is Anyway, no, you're not being unreasonable, if he wants to come home let him but I don't think you should plan your whole day around his lunch hour (which is prob 40 mins together by the time he's got there and back again).

JJ · 07/05/2004 20:43

Glad it worked out. A further idea (not that you need one -- this is what my husband and I would do) : if you make a date, you have to be there ("Yes, I'll probably be available" wouldn't cut it) otherwise, it's no, you won't be there and a lovely surprise if you are.

But I can't see a way around the girlie chats, except for moving them to a pre or post lunch time. Maybe if you told him, "I'm thinking of having so-and-so around for lunch, so she and child might be here also" then it wouldn't be a problem. He'd know that you're with friends and not with him that lunchtime.

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