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Original poster

SW19 - DESPERATELY LONELY - PLEASE HELP ME

28 replies

Cheeseycheese · 15/11/2006 01:22

Hi everyone. I live in SW19, a nice area full of mums and babies, and yet I am really lonely, I have no friends whatsoever despite having joined numerous toddler groups and different activities for my DD who is 2.5. I do some activities during the day to keep my DD busy, you know the stuff, Monkey Music, Gymboree and so on, but the afternoons are really hard because there are no activities and we have no friends, so my DD plays by herself everyday. Does anyone know of any organised activities that take place in the afternoons please? Any information would be very much appreciated. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
wabbitt · 15/11/2006 01:41

that you're lonely over there in sw19 - no where near you unfortunately but know lots of MNers are in and around london... try bumping this in the daytime, someone will be able to help

{{{hugs}}} that you feel lonely

mamama · 15/11/2006 02:16

I'm sorry you're so lonely . I'm miles away too so am no help but definitely try bumping this in the morning. I'm sure there are other MNers who will be far more helpful

Hope you are in bed now...

Fauve · 15/11/2006 07:50

Hi Cheeseycheese, if you go into Wimbledon Library, they have a big folder of info about activities for children - you have to ask for it, I think, but it is very useful. Also the libraries themselves do activities which are sometimes in the afternoon.

This website, Familiesonline.co.uk, has lots of local info and you can get the magazine Families in Wimbledon library as well.

This one is Netmums which also has very local info if you go to the Merton bit.

If desperate, you can always go and hang out in Books Etc, opposite Centre Court - your dd can play in the kids' books area while you have a coffee in the cafe bit. There are always mums there.

GameGirly · 15/11/2006 09:37

Cheesey, I'm sorry you're so lonely. Are you new to the area? I also live in SW19 but my children are a little older than yours and at school all day, and I work full-time so I'm not much use. My sister, however, has recently moved to SW19 and was looking for something for her DS2.5 and quickly made friends at a playgroup at Emmanuel Church on the Ridgway. I think she just got chatting to someone one day in Starbucks and they suggested she go along to meet other people. She doesn't do the "churchy" bit - we're not a religious family - but she says that doesn't matter and that she's met some really nice people and made some friends. Fauve's suggestion of the library was a good one, too. Good luck - being a mum can be surprisingly lonely.

GoingQuietlyMad · 15/11/2006 09:41

I think it is hard to make friends when you have LOs to look after. On the one hand, people are much more approachable, but also very busy and it is hard to make deep friendships.

London is particularly hard I feel because there is a fast turnover of people. Although easy to make acquaintances, it is harder to bond with people on a deeper level.

Don't feel bad - it is normal to feel lonely when you have little children.

GoingQuietlyMad · 15/11/2006 09:45

Sorry, wanted to add that there is always Tigers Eye if you feel like you need to get out in the afternoon. It is near the Sainsbury's Savacentre on Meratun Way. This is a soft play centre and has an under 5s area.

ALthough I wouldn't especially say it is a good place to meet people, it is a good place to put ds while you read the paper or something, surrounded by other people?

Or you could ask one or more of the mums from the toddler group if they want to go with you?

BTW without being snobby, be warned that it is a bit scruffy and the food is grim. I don't want you to ask someone to go and then be embarrased when you get there! But children like it.

The same with Dean City Farm which is near there as well. Scruffy but good for getting out of the house.

CountessDracula · 15/11/2006 09:55

Do you talk to the other mums at the toddler groups etc? Arrange to meet for coffee or invite them round for tea as a play date for the kids.

How old are you? I mean are you the same sort of age as the other mums?

CountessDracula · 15/11/2006 09:56

I think everyone goes through this if it's any help

Fauve · 15/11/2006 10:32

Also, it gets better the minute your child starts at a nursery school - all the mums are keen to be friends, lots of playdates are arranged, and you form a natural group of people who have the school/class in common.

I'm glad GoingQuietlyMad mentioned churches - they often run things for mothers and toddlers as a sort of community service, and won't generally try to 'convert' you, I hope. They often don't advertise very well, but again the library should have the details. Some churches are better at these activities than others - Queens Road Baptist Church is very proactive on the families front - although I have no direct experience of them, and, because it's a Baptist church, they may be more evangelical than most, certainly more so than any C of E church would be. But may be worth a go.

lockets · 15/11/2006 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bugsy2 · 15/11/2006 10:50

I felt a bit like you with my first. The one o'clock clubs are quite good - they often run until 3pm. Have a look at the Wandsworth Council website, as there are quite a few in Southfields.
Definitely go for the Church based playgroups too. You don't have to be remotely religious and they are usually more friendly & less "organised" than Monkey Music etc.
Check out Netmums.com for SW19 & SW18 - there are lots of activities listed on that site.

pamina3 · 15/11/2006 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mustrunmore · 15/11/2006 11:19

Hello. You're at the opposite end of London to me, but i just wanted to say that life gets like that for alot of people, me included. Friends tend to be quite transient when they're met through your kids, but thats life. When you find the good ones, hold on to them! Try and set up sme afternoon playdates through the groups you go to, if you think the kids and the parents are nice
I wouldn't mind an afternoon friend, but I'm not travelling that far We could meet centrally

ComeOVeneer · 15/11/2006 11:22

Mustrunmore I think I am local to you Woodside Pk, (but am moving very soon, so that doesn't help you either).

mustrunmore · 15/11/2006 11:26

yes, you are!
Where you going to? My area not good enough for you??

ComeOVeneer · 15/11/2006 11:53

Off to Surrey, near Esher. Need to upgrade but can't afford a bigger place around here. Plus a few other (MIL) reasons.

wabbitt · 15/11/2006 12:12

I knew MNers in the area would be out in force! Good luck Cheesy x

Bucketsoffrozendinosaurs · 15/11/2006 13:04

As someone said nursery/playschool/preschool is a great opportunity as you have a captive audience in the playground waiting for the kids and you may find you walk part of the way with the same people everyday. When your dd starts make sure you volunteer for the fundraising committee and any events so you have more chance to bond with other parents.
Also there's nothing wrong with a bit of stalking! If you see a mum with similar aged kids in the neighbourhood, try and catch her again at the same time the next day or the next week then ask her for some places to go.

Original poster
Cheeseycheese · 15/11/2006 13:30

I am so grateful for all your replies and yes, it does help to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this. I am in my mid-30s, educated, I had a good career, I am a sahm by choice and proud of it, but also very respectful and admiring of working mums, absolutely not religious at all but respectful of people who are, can hold a conversation, friendly enough I think... maybe a bit stand-off-ish because I'm really shy, but apart from that, I'm pretty normal I think, and yet cannot understand why I don't have anyone to call in the afternoons when we don't have a specific activity to attend to. I will try all of your suggestions. GoingQuietlyMad, you're absolutely right, this is to do with this area's high turnover of people; I keep losing friends. Interestingly enough, I did attend the toddler group at Emmanuel Church in the Village but I felt I didn't fit somehow and it did kind of feel the religious issue was in the way.
On the nurseries issue, does anyone have any feedback on Priory CofE?
Anyway, please keep your suggestions and support coming because it has made a difference, I feel better already; as you can see, last night I couldn't even sleep thinking about it. I would hate for my DD to end up a loner just because I seem to be one!! Thanks again.

OP posts:
Bucketsoffrozendinosaurs · 15/11/2006 13:46

Aw Cheesey, she's not going to end up a loner! Becoming a SAHM is really hard when you're shy - at work you got to know people by habit and they were a captive audience. I still find toddler groups hard but the more you go the more you find to talk to people about. Think of other mums as colleagues that you are working alongside. Friendship will follow - like you they need to know you're not going to up and move next week. I also find pretending I'm not shy helps iyswim, putting on a non-shy persona just to get me through the door. This time of year the subject of Christmas shopping is a universal icebreaker .
And as I said things will get better when playschool starts so there's that to look forward to

GoingQuietlyMad · 15/11/2006 15:07

Yes, don't feel bad. I found that because I previously worked 4 days a week, I never needed to build up that much of a local network, and I didn't have time either. Then when I suddenly had loads of time on my hands it was very 'empty', and I started to feel like a bit of a billy no mates compared to the people I got to know who had SAH throughout.

However, I did put on a brave face and try to get out there, and am starting to get to know people slowly.

Because I have two dds including a baby I find it stressful to go out all the time with them, but vegging at home can be quite lonely at times, I suppose that explains being on mumsnet all the time.

Bucketsoffrozendinosaurs · 15/11/2006 22:46

Plus I find I'm more tired if I've stayed indoors than if I'd been tramping about pushing a pushchair all day.

camum · 16/11/2006 00:19

I live in SW19 and I often go to the playgroup at St. Matthew's in Raynes Park and the girls normally meet up in the afternoon at Holland Park or Cottenham Park so those are probably two good options.
Tigers Eye is good, Eddie Cats in Putney is good, The Hub in Mitcham, all places you can meet other mums.
Why don't you ask your HV to put you in touch with other mums? I met a lot of friends through my HV in this area.

GameGirly · 16/11/2006 14:17

Cheesy, I have 2 at The Priory ...

Original poster
Cheeseycheese · 16/11/2006 17:07

GameGirly, do you like the school?

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