Big question - what are the qualities of a good mum?

[jasper]

I have been thinking about this a lot.
What makes someone a good mum? What personal qualities do they have, and what kind of things do they do or not do that makes them a good mother?

If only I understood the question, Bloss

Though if you have any blinding revelations on the use of imagery in Antony and Cleopatra, particularly food, heavenly bodies, and fertility and decay - I'd be soooooooooooooooo grateful to you!!! I mean come on, its not like you have anything to do all day with all those structured GF naps happening - I bet you could knock out a few helpful hints for me between 2.35 and 3.38, or whatever the book says!! (One of these days you'll jump on a plane, turn up on my doorstep and throttle me for my cheekiness... And I wouldn't blame you, but you know I don't mean it )

Oodles of love, affection and time spent with children IMO. Patience and encouragement but not pressure. Providing a feeling of security and again, loads and loads of love. Never too many kisses and cuddles.

BTW, when I was a child my mum and dad go divorced when I was 10 and 5 or 6 very turbulent years followed with the stepfather from hell but it never scarred me I think because however unhappy and rocky things sometimes were mum always lavished love and support on us and so we always felt secure in that although the home wasn't a 'happy' place.

Message withdrawn

Mooma, I'm surprised that I am the first here to respond to your message: "Accepting that from their birth, your children's needs will always come before your own, or your partners?" Maybe this is just a question and not something you do yourself, but I have to totally disagree with it...yes your children's needs must be right up there and it goes without saying for almost all mums, but if you are putting your children ahead of yourself and your marriage in your life, you are doing them a great disservice IMO.

First you are teaching them that without your children in your life, you are nothing and your life is empty - and any daughters could go on to feel the same way. Next, if you do feel this emptiness you will not be happy and therefore will not be an effective or truly "present" mum; you will feel frustrated and unfulfilled. You might be smothering, interfering or just try too hard and in doing everything for your children you take away from them the chance to take risks and learn or take responsibility. Lastly, if you do not place your marriage high up on your list (after yourself and before your children) your children will suffer because they will live in an unhappy home with two people who feel frustrated and/or unloved and unappreciated.

Of course your children are an important part of your life but they should not be the be-all and end-all of it. It is not selfish to have your own needs and wants and to expect at least some of them to be met! Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant, but it's something I feel strongly about (in case you couldn't tell ') It's not a personal attack on you Mooma so please don't take it that way! But I just had to get it off my chest - feeling better now!

P.S. I forgot something from my earlier post about "perfect mums" - they also need one more thing in order to maintain the illusion - perfect children! (And they don't exist either!)

Mollipops, thank you for your thoughtful response and no, I don't in any way take it as a personal attack.
In a way I was asking the question, to see what others feel. You are totally right about the importance of one's relationship and personal happiness. However, I can't be the only Mum to ever feel that these vital issues do get a bit buried at times when bringing up one's family. Mine is larger than usual (four kids) so perhaps that's the reason DH and I sometimes feel a bit snowed under.
I completely agree that a balance is essential, but it is hard to achieve at times. DH and I try to make time for each other, but often feel we are 'hanging on' until things calm down a bit (which will not be for a few years yet!) In a way, that's what I meant by putting their needs first; there doesn't really seem to be much of an option in our house!

My reaction comes from the good /bad bits of my and dd's upbringing.
Firstly the absolute essential that the child doesn't fel criticised/compared to siblings/cousins/friends and found wanting - in whatever subtle way. Dd clearly feels this was the case throughout his childhood and it has affected him enormously - he finds it very hard to deal with criticism now and often feels criticised when he isn't - and it all seems to boil down to his relationship with his mother ( he's even been on a 'threapy' weekend to come to terms with it all)
Secondly - a little of what Mollipops said - DON'T devote yourslef to your child's every need to the extent that you in anyway resent it - and constantly come back at the child with a ''I do so much for you and you just don't appreciate it'' attitude.
My mother was in many ways a wonderful mother - but she always put others before herself (her dh as well as ds and dd)and then felt incredibly hurt/angry that they didn't always fully appreciate what she had done - being a bit less the ''do it all'' pefect mum - and a bit more chilled out about it all would have been 100% preferable for me as a daughter. ( and also for dh and ds!)

ok so first line should read ''mine and dh's upbringing...''

I think for a mother - a bloody good sense of humour is essential! Never underestimate the power of humour!

Yes Mooma you are so right, and I guess it is partly because I often DO feel that way that I feel so strongly about it...it is very easy to slip into the self-sacrifice mode isn't it? Parenting has to involve some degree of selflessness, it just goes with the job I think, and IMO childless couples (and single people) are so much more self-absorbed than those with children (only they don't realise it!). It can be overwhelming, and it's so easy to somehow "lose yourself" along the way. With 4 kids Mooma, I think you are doing an awesome job just staying sane lol! I hope you do find some me-time and couple-time now and then...I know it's a struggle, we have the same trouble and always feel awkward asking for relatives to babysit, even though they never mind doing it...

With ds off to kindy next year (I think you call it reception?) I'm looking to return to study part-time but have no idea what I'd like to do...feeling a bit lost to be honest! Hopefully I will find inspiration soon!

Hi Mollipops - talking of me-time, I have just taken up the piano, only 30-odd years after the urge first struck! (Insufficient funds as a child). I am absolutely loving it. I am scaring my kids as I love practising, and it is the reason why my mumsnet addiction has waned (only a little )recently.
Good luck with your return to study.

There is no magic formula, every child is different and has different needs.

IMO one of the most important(and often overlooked) things is time. Just to spend time playing and talking with your child sends them a very important message about their 'value.'

Unconditional love goes without saying (doesn't it???)I tell my children frequently that I love and like them and my son says this to me too, many times a day!

I think sensitivity to your child's moods, needs and emotions is also very important. You know your child better than anyone else, and being prepared to tailor your parenting to suit them makes a difference