Im so scared of being rejected by them again, advice needed please (very long)

[changedabit]

have changed my name for this in case the wrong person should try to link me with other threads but you will all probably know who i am anyway. my question is this-what should i do next? ex dp left when i was three months gone and went back to his ex partner. He has not phoned or seen me at all (baby now three months old). I telephoned his parents when i was pregnant to ask if they wanted to see the baby but they slammed he phone down on me before i even got my words out (i have no history with them btw, they've never met me) Since dd's birth i have:

managed to get in touch with him (through friends as he changed his number) and asked him if he would see the baby, he said he would and never turned up so i took him to the CSA.

Have sent him a photo of her via email to his friend who said he would show him IF he would look at it.

He hasnt denied being the father to the CSA but apparently told his friend that he "didnt think the baby was his" even though he has no reason to think that.

I want to ring up his parents, send them a letter or turn up on their doorstep but im too cowardly to do any of these things...sometimes i think maybe its better to leave it alone than face the rejection again. I dont know if they maybe thought i was phoning up to have a go...or ask for money but that was not my intention. I wouldnt lower myself.

I would like to turn up with dd to show him aswell but if i go to his house his gf will either slam the door in my face or attack me.

i just dont know what to do. I know that even if he DID decide he wanted to see dd now, he wouldnt do anything about it as he's too scared of facing me after what he's done.

When dd turns to me one day and says "why didnt daddy want to know me" i want to be able to say "i tried my hardest" but how hard do i try before it becomes harrassment in his eyes? or am i not trying hard enough?

I hide it well enough but every day it breaks my heart. He's not a horrible unfeeling person but he does do denial very well. I used to think (like an idiot) that only rough, low life men did this but he's none of these things. I cant understand him or his family. Its breaking me up inside and wearing me down bit by bit. If i dont try, and face the possibilty of rejection, am i being a coward aswell and not being fair to my daughter? or am i living in dreamland even thinking that things could change? im at my wits end and still hurting very much.

when i say link me with other threads, i dont mean in the internet sence btw

changedabit, I dont know what to say but am sending you a big hug! You are obviously having a really hard time and at a time when it is difficult to be on your own with a little baby. You also seem ot be trying really hard to be positive which is fantastic.

Changedabit, so sorry you are feeling like this - I'm sure there are others on here who have maybe gone through the same and can offer better advice, but I would just say that you are doing a fantastic job as a mother, your dd loves you very much - if your ex knows where you are, then surely it is up to him now to come and see his daughter after all that you have done so far to try and build bridges with him?

You are keeping the door wide open for him to do this - there's no way you should be feeling like a coward or feel as if you are being unfair to your daughter. You can tell her quite honestly if she asks that you did all you could, you contacted him, he knew where you were but chose not to do anything about it - which makes HIM the coward.

Have you got the support of your own family? What do they say about your ex?

Sending hugs to you. xxx

I've got no expereince here but here's my 2pworth... If you want to be able to say "I did my best" to your DD, maybe you could send her father and his parents regular letters and photos. The letters should ask for nothing but keep them up to date on how she is doing. Finish them off by saying they are welcome to visit and just to let you know and leave it at that. Maybe write them from your daughter instead of you - not in baby language or anything, just using "I" instead of "she" and signing her name. You've then kept in contact and offered them the chance to visit. If they ask you not to write any more then don't - you will have done your best and can hold your head up high should your DD ask about her father. A letter is fairly non confrontational, personally I wouldn't just turn up on someone's doorstep.

I don't know if things can change It sounds like XP is in denial - maybe the idea of being a father freaks him out. If it's "just" this, then he may well grow up and change his mind. If he's just being an ar$e then who knows?

Hugs

my ex p and i split up when i was 14 wks pregnant and i havent seen or heard from him since i was 6 mnths pregnant. my ds is now 3.6 and a really happy well adjusted little boy. ive talked to him about different families and if he minds not having a dad and his answer was that other people do a daddys job for him ie his 2 uncles my dad etc which obivously made me cry!!

i do know how you feel, the rejection is really tough and you just cant understand why they wouldnt want to see your gorgeous baby. it is THEIR loss.

i made sure that my ex p had a contact address should he want to get in contact. he hasnt but i know he could if he wanted to.
i asked him to put his name on the birth certificate if if he woulnt see the baby but he wouldnt. (he had no doubt that the baby was his) his parents too were pretty horrible and im sure had a huge influence on his decision.

i know have friends whos exp's mess their kids about constantly, dont turn up when they say they will etc and the kids get incredibly distressed. i believe children deserve a stable, loving. consistent home life. you can provide that for your daughter.

i think the best you can do is make sure he knows hes welcome to see her but he cant be in and out of her life. make sure he can contact you, has your new address if you move etc or some way of contacting you and then concentrate on your little girl.

good luck and do get in contact if you want to talk, xxx

I agree, keep all the efforts you have made in a box for her, to when she old enough to understand, it is hard to do without hurting her admittedly.My friend did w hite lie, said that her and daddy had a big fight, daddy left and went away before mummy knew she had a baby in her tummy and now mummy can't find him, but we'll keep trying...
It is so hard to know what to do, in my cynical way I would just write him off as a bad egg and forget about him, but that is not easy step to take I know this...
good luck and huge hugs honey xxx

Hi changedabit. I went through a similar experience to you, not quite the same but...I do know how you feel. It is very, very difficult thinking that your child's father doesn't want to see his beautiful child.

However, I think 3 months later is quite soon - know it won't feel like that. Imagine it is on your mind a lot.

At about that stage I sent my daughter's father some photos of her - got one phone call a week later and then nothing for nearly a year. By that stage I was really, really struggling for money, hadn't contacted CSA for very complicated reasons but knew that I would have to think about it. I wrote hime a very civilised letter explaining that it was his choice if he had nothing to do with his daughter but I believed he would eventually regret that. He also had a financial obligation to his child. Didn't threaten the CSA, just calmly stated the facts. I received a phonecall from him about a week later. He didn't actually see his own daughter until she was 15 months old. He only started giving me money towards her when she was 18 months old (a pathetic amount, I should add, which has never been increased - his monthly contribution would cover 2 days childcare!) However, now, at 7 years old, he does come to see her about 3 times a year. Not great but it's contact, it's civilised, she has a sense of who her dad is. But it has taken a long time to get to that point with a lot of feelings of humiliation at being the one who is doing all the work.

This is all a very long-winded way of saying that things may improve but give it time and prepare yourself, mentally, for the fact that he may not want any contact. Him saying that he doesn't believe he is the father sounds like panic to me, doesn't mean this is what he really thinks or knows.

With regard to your daughter saying "Why didn't daddy want to know me?" - I, personally, wouldn't say anything about you trying your hardest. I would try to remain neutral, "It was difficult", or even "I don't know". Saying you tried your hardest is implying you think less of her dad (wish you do, of course) but I wouldn't want to pass that on to your daughter - she's still part of him, don't want to pass on negative feelings etc

I wish you well. Remember, you're the parent who stayed. You're the parent who is doing the right thing by your daughter. You should feel very, very proud of yourself for that. Take care.

Hi changedabit. So sorry to hear this. You are clearly doing a fantastic job and should be very proud of yourself.
I haven't been in your situation, or your dds, but I did have a very absent father as a child. However tough it is, I think Tinker's advice is spot on. It would be very hard for your dd to hear that her daddy didn't want to know even after you went to great lengths to make contact. It would hurt even more, IYSWIM. If she can, when she's older, put it down to daddy and you not getting on, that's easier than thinking daddy doesn't want to know her. Obviously when she's a teenager or adult she'll work it out and want to know more... that's when you can give her the box, or tell her about your letters etc. My mother, very understandably, did let on what a pig my father was being and it hurt. Was also obvious from the limited contact we did have. But I think it would have been better if mummy hadn't added to that, IYSWIM. I completely sympathise with her, BTW and think it is quite heroic of women to avoid being negative about pigs like your ex-p.
Hugs.

Please, please stop tormenting yourself that you are not trying hard enough. You are trying immensely hard to do the right thing by your daughter when many people wouldn't bother at all.

Your ex doesn't deserve to have your daughter and it would serve him right if he lost her forever. However, you are doing this for her, despite your own pain and you deserve nothing but praise. I am sure she will grow up knowing you are a fantastic mother.

I agree 100% with soupy's advice about what you should do. This gets your point across without any worry about confrontation with anyone or their thinking you are trying to get money.

Good luck.

Hi Changedabit
My kids too, have a deadbeat dad, and all I can offer is that you try a letter and photos, inform his family that he is paying maintenance (so that they have no doubt whatsoever that it is their own grandchild they are rejecting and they can't turn round in the future and say they didn't know) and then leave it at that. You can't keep chasing them, it is their responsibility to maintain a relationship with their own flesh and blood, not your responsibility to see that it happens. Your role is not to impede it, not to try and force it to happen. Meanwhile, you have your own life to live and need to move on. You can't do that while trying to conduct a relationship with people who don't want to have a relationship with you.
I also agree with what others have said: don't tell your dd that you tried your hardest, because that brings her face to face with her rejection. At the moment, I'm telling my ds that Daddy lives too far away to come and see him, but that when he's got the money for the train fare he will. At some stage, children work out for themselves what the situation was, but it needs to be when they have the personal resources to be able to face it.

So sorry for you. But it will get easier. Just takes lots and lots of time.