I am tired of so many things right now, but mostly I am tired of being a single parent when I am really NOT one

[colinandcaitlinsmommy]

That's it, really. DS (3) and DD(1) moved 250 miles away from DH on Aug 4th. He was supposed to follow 1 month later. That turned into another month later, then 2 more weeks, now finally we're told it won't be till the middle of January he's up here. We came up to take care of MIL, who is dying of cancer, and probably won't make it more than a few weeks.

I am tired of driving the 50 miles each way to her house every day to take care of her. I am tired of DD screaming almost the entire way there and back because she's tired of being in the car. I am tired of putting my children in front of the TV for hours on end every day to entertain them while we're there and I take care of MIL and her affairs. I am tired of having to tell DS that yes, we have to go take care of grandma even though he doesn't want to go because she is very sick. I am tired of watching someone waste away who just a few months ago was a very active and vibrant person. I am tired of DH missing out on DS's, DD's, and his own birthday, our anniversary, and Halloween. I am tired of not seeing my husband. And I am tired of my children not having a daddy, who they both miss terribly, for most of the time.

That's kind of it, really. I think I just need to tell someone, and DH is already overwhelmed right now, and I have great friends, but have just got to know them, so I don't want to be known as the one who whines all the time. I'm really hoping that just getting it out will make me feel bettter.

Why the delay for him to move. Cos if its work related Id be furious given the circumstances!

oh gosh im not surprised your poor little ones are not enjoying the journey, an awful long way to go every day. is there no family nearer that could offer support also.

i reckon your hubby should pull his finger out, being its his poor mother and get special leave from work, he cant expect you and the kids todo this alone

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Oh wow, colinandcaitlinsmummy - sounds like you're really holding everything together for everyone. No wonder you get fed up with it. Not sure I have any wise words, but just wanted you to know that having read that, I am in awe of someone who can do all that. Hopefully you'll be able to look back on this time when it's all over and know that you did the best thing. Not that that's any consolation now, I know.

It IS work related, not his fault. They are building a new store up here for him, and have had so many construction delays, they won't open until next year. He has tried so many things to get up here, but his bosses haven't done anything to help. Basically at this point the only leave he could get from work is to quit, and with me not working, that really isn't an option.

I'm an American, btw, and any leave laws that may apply in England don't work here.

C&Cmommy i really feel for you, I understand the sense of feeling like a single parent as DH works away alot of the time and that can be very frustrating without the added stress of caring for your MIL and 2 very small children. Is there any where you can get support for even one day a week, a restbite nurse or something,or even a nursery your lo's could go to for a day to even give them a break, i know its maybe not the ideal situation but it may make what seems like a thick fog round you slightly more liveable?
I also have great sympathy for your DH it must be awful not getting to be there for his Mum, I hope that it doesnt affect him later, as I still struggle with the fact I couldnt be there for my dad(though thats a different story)
These may seem like the wrong words but try and take comfort in the fact it wont be forever and you are doing more than what is humanly possible.
Thinking of you

You are a star truly inspirational. lots of love and luck to you and i hope you are reunited with hubby sooner than you think. ditto to all that has been said hang in there. I truly believe you get back not immediately but at some stage in your life what you have given and right now you are 100% giving. This is so rear in life these days. God bless you and yours

You are doing so much for your family. Your care of your mil is so giving and you will be remembered for doing this by your dh and his family. How lovely for your mil to have have grandchildren with her. Don't forget to look after yourself as well. Best wishes xxx

god whata nightmare. it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. I am sure that dh and MIL appreciate it and your dc's will too, in years to come.
is there anyway that you could move your MIL a bit closer?
could she come and live with you?

I'm not sure I can offer any practical advice, just wanted to say how very sorry I am that you are shouldering this heavy burden atm....it must be really tough and quite honestly I am humbled reading about it

Gosh what a tough time you're all having . Believe me though, though it's hard now, it will help you when she is gone to know that you did all you can.

Is there any way you can stay with her, or near her even if it's just a couple of times a week?. It must be costing a fair bit in petrol if nothing else

Thanks for all your messages. I thought I had today off, but ended up having to go there. He comes up for weekends, and was staying there, but I was just too tired to go down, but when DS understood DH was at MIL's, he cried and cried and said he wanted his daddy.

DH is getting some of her friends to look after her parts of this week, so I won't have to be down there as much. So that will be good. There's this thing called Hospice here (don't know if you have it there) that comes daily, but they're only there for an hour or so.

His company will give him some leave, but not a whole lot, and it is unpaid. She was a SAHM and then got divorced after her kids left home, so sheonly worked a few years, therefore she had almost no money, so we've been covering her bills as well as ours, so we can't really afford DH to take any time off until the end.

Spoke with DH tonight, and said I can do this for a few weeks longer, but after that we will have to move her to our home. I've got her friends to help me down there, and not really anyone up here, but I think it would just be easier all around.

Josey- you're right it is immensely hard on him to not be there. I feel so much for him.

Delgirl--crazy expensive for gas. I mean petrol. I'm so glad we don't have to pay the prices you do.

colinandcaitlinsmommy whereabouts in the US are you? Just to let you know there are others of us here around in the US that you can always talk to you when you feel down.

Hi mum is dying and they won't give him compassionate leave????? Don't give a toss what his leave allowance is, they should be making him go and spend some time with her..... Outrageous! I am furious for you and him.

I know you're in America so it may well be different. When I knew dh didn't have long left the psychological support/social worker said I should get signed off from work to be at home with him. This was agreed with work verbally with my manager and his manager, can't remember the medical reason they gave though. I was able to spend the last 8 weeks at home and the hospice with him. My dh worked for the same company as me and had been there for nearly 30 years so was well known. Don't know if this had a bearing on their decision, not that it should make a difference.

Would this be feasible for your dh?

Really feeling for you - you are obviously going through a really tough time of it and trying to hold things together for everyone. Sounds like your life would ne a lot easier if your MIL moved in with you or you moved in with her - must be 2 hours out of your day just to get there and back and v expensive.

((((((((((((c&cm)))))))))))) what a difficult time you are having right now, all I can say is that I hope that your family will be reunited very soon and to keep up the fab work you are doing!

Oh, colin&caitlinsmommy, I saw your message on our postnatal board but couldn't find the thread... what a hard time you are having!!

I'm sorry I've no advice but have a big cyberhug from me and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers from now on.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Ali-Am in the Portland, Oregon area.

DH has been trying to get leave, but the US Family Leave Act only requires employers to do so if there are more than 50 employees within 75 miles (or 75 within 50 miles, can't remember which) and his store has 36 and is over 100 miles away from the next store. They don't want to transfer him up here, because there is no position open right now, and they'd basically be paying him for nothing, or manager's wages to cashier or something. His friend is in the same position. He is trying to move away from here because his wife has a rare disease, and they're trying to get closer to a place that can better treat it. His store got delayed also, so he's stuck here while his wife is living in their new house somehwere else.

We'll move her up here next weekend if we need to, but she took a pretty big downward turn yesterday, and I guess is worse today, so we'll see what happens. I feel so horrible feeling such relief that the end is near, she's been so great to me. I'm just glad that she's so out of it, because she'd hate the way she's become. I can't believe it has been less than 2 weeks since she was tired out, but still able to get out and do things and all there mentally. It just seems like a forever ago.

Thanks for all your messages. DH said he had no idea how bad it was up here, she's deteriorated so bad since the last time he was up here. He's gone back to get his affairs at work in order, and told them he is taking leave no matter what. They actually did agree to that, and as of tomorrow afternoon, he will be up here to take care of her. We BOTH feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of our shoulders.

Oh I'm so glad that your DH is going to make it up there. For everyone involved that is the best that could have happened. I hope that your MIL last few weeks/days are happy and peacefull.

Oh such a relief for you c&cm. You are being a brilliant wife and DIL but it is still very hard.