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Original poster

Feeling very fed up........

18 replies

shedevil · 30/10/2006 22:36

I am so fed up, just want to let off a bit of steam. We were offered our council house when I had only 4 weeks to go till DS was born, it was a complete dump and 15 miles away from work and family but we had to accept it as wouldn't be offered another. Also to add insult to injury as we were in the process of moving our old flat was burgled while we were at work which really shook me up.

We had to wait a year before we were allowed to exchange which was up in August, been looking and advertised everywhere since then. Had some interest but nothing sticks, they all say its a lovely house but too far away from anything (its very rural).

I've never settled in this house and I don't feel like myself anymore, the village we're in has nothing but a phone box, a crappy bus service and for 6 months maternity leave I was completely isolated with no visitors just me and DS and I hated it. I've been back at work now since April for 3 days a week and I love it, but i've now become a completely different person because of it all, all I ever do is nag or shout at DH and sometimes even DS, he's only 15 months bless him and I feel like a complete shit for doing it to them both.

We couldn't and still can't afford to buy a house as DH has a lot of debt which we are still paying off and will be for a long time. I get at him about this all the time and its destroying our relationship. I'm terrified he'll leave me for someone else yet I can't stop picking at him all the time as he is truly the reason we are in this situation, i'm not a snob I was brought up on a council estate and its all I know, but another factor in it is the MIL she has no idea about the debt we're in and thinks its my fault because of 'my background'. Whatever that means.

BIG BIG MOAN folks well done for getting this far if I haven't bored you to tears already. Any positive stories or advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:

RancidRhubarb · 30/10/2006 22:54

I didn't want to let this drop off active convos! I think you need to do more things together instead of separately. Concentrate on the little things, ask him what little things you can do that would make him happy, such as making him a cup of tea or his sandwiches for work and in return you tell him what little things he can do for you. Start simply and work your way up!

Original poster

shedevil · 30/10/2006 23:04

Thanks Rancid for reading the thread, little things will probably be much easier for me. Just can't help feeling so BLOODY BITTER over the whole fiasco. I absolutely love DH to death and couldn't bear to lose him but the thing is this bloody debt its always there at the back of my mind. We're talking £500 worth of repayments every month before rent/council tax etc etc. Don't get any help or benefits cos we both earn too much (below average wages but enough to live on,well it would be but it doesn't go far for us and noone cares whats outgoing).

OP posts:

lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:08

hi shedevil

£500 pcm in repayments is collosal......have you tried consolidating your debts .....or doing an IVA......

try going to CAB ....they can advise, for free. or can tell you the best places to go to re help with unmanageable debt,,,

it is a shame he cannot be honest with his family and there would be less stress for you then,,,,,could they help financially at all>

Original poster

shedevil · 30/10/2006 23:15

Hi lulu. My parents are fantastic and helped us out by getting a loan for us (they own a home so got a low rate) but this was only for half of what DH owes, I didn't know about the other half till DS was three months old and was earning peanuts on maternity leave. Only found out about that then cos I opened a letter from the bank addressed to him, shouldn't have done it but I had my suspicions he was hiding something. He wasn't even going to attempt to tell me. It was all cash withdrawals on credit cards. He's not nothing to show for it at all which then prompted me into thinking well he must be seeing someone else and spending it on her. Brain went into overdrive.

His parents are 'upper class' shall we say, they have got the funds to help us but I know they won't, and DH will never tell them what a mess we're in. I'm not that close to them so can't tell them myself. I want to avoid the IVA route if I can because I do eventually one day want to get a mortgage but don't think I will if I do that.

OP posts:

lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:17

i think the IVA is discharged after 12 months...definitely need to get some advice on that!

what has he been buying?

QuootieSpookypie · 30/10/2006 23:22

nnnnoooohoooo, not an IVA. Not if you want a mortgage. Can I be terribly nosey and ask how much debt? My DH had loads from an ex, and jigged it around and around, and got his payments down, and we got a mortgage. He had about 10,000. They were spread everywhere, so, one by one we picked them off. Then, when credit rating improved, he got a loan to consolidate last 2.

LaDIEDaDIE · 30/10/2006 23:23

Have you now got an explanation for where all of the money went? Because if you haven't then I can see why that would be annoying you as well as being annoyed at repaying it iyswim.

QuootieSpookypie · 30/10/2006 23:24

is credit card joint names?

LaDIEDaDIE · 30/10/2006 23:27

Another thought is are you definitely paying it back in the most efficient way, ie highest interest rates first, constantly thinking about moving it between 0% creditcards (but don't get caught out by balance transfer fees that can sometimes negate the 0%). Maybe CAB could help you out with that. I too would be wary of IVA. I've no personal experience but from what I've heard if you default on it then you are made bankrupt.

Original poster

shedevil · 30/10/2006 23:32

I ask him what he spent the money on, he just answers that he doesn't know. I say how can you not know where all that money went? Its a colossal amount of money! But again 'I don't know'. It goes back over a few years, but still....

And this gets my mind working overtime and thinking all sorts of things, I won't go into it just use your imagination.

In total its probably about £20,000. We can't get any more loans and can't ask my parents for any more help I feel guilty enough as it is. Its not knowing what he spent the money on or why that kills me. And forgot to mention about 4 years ago I found a credit card bill for about £1500 hidden away, had it all out with him then and got it paid off, thought everything would be ok then but no. I asked him why he did it to me again he just says he doesn't know.

OP posts:

Original poster

shedevil · 30/10/2006 23:36

We don't have anything on a credit card now its all on loans. We have a loan for £11,000 which my parents got for us on a low rate for homeowners (not meant to do that so hush hush!) and I have a loan for £7000 which was the lowest I could find for non-homeowners through moneysupermarket. DH has a loan which he's had for ages but he doesn't have any of the paperwork anymore, got a year left on that according to the bank.

We can't get a consolidated loan as they all say we can't afford the repayments! Its a piss-take because they're cheaper than what we pay in total now and we manage.

OP posts:

lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:45

can you see an independent financial advisor.....

QuootieSpookypie · 30/10/2006 23:47

your just going to have to work through it... get the year done on his loan, then see what a bank will say.

Original poster

shedevil · 30/10/2006 23:47

Will it cost me money as I can't afford it really? Based on what we're paying now it'll take us another 3 years to pay it all back and be debt-free but I don't know if I can live like this for another 3 years. Its not even the 'doing without' that gets to me its just I don't have a clue what we're paying all this money out for

OP posts:

lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:49

IFA is free..

and i think you need to find out where the money went.........if you can..

QuootieSpookypie · 30/10/2006 23:50

if possible, make chunk payments on the smallest, get them done. You need to sit and ring up banks, find statements etc. and work out exactly how much you owe, and to whom as of that day. Sort them in amount, and, attack smallest 1st. Its the way DH and I had to do it, but, we got there

Original poster

shedevil · 30/10/2006 23:57

Thanks Quootie, i've tried saving bits of money where I can. Trouble is I have to save up all year for christmas and birthdays because we have very little spare cash, so it doesn't amount to much at the end of the day. I do keep trying though.

I want to try and find out where the money went. I thought of asking for duplicate credit card statements but it'd be pointless as its all just cash withdrawals (which is true as it gave the balance next to the higher cash interest rate on the credit card statement I opened).

There is an IFA across the road from work. Might ask them for help.

OP posts:

Original poster

shedevil · 31/10/2006 00:06

Thanks everyone off to bed now I will try and see an IFA, need to find out where money went I think thats the real root of my problem, it'd make me feel better knowing what all this money we're paying out is paying for.

Thank you to all for reading my thread I feel better just for talking about it, I will update when I know anything more. Night all x

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