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Original poster

I'm really ashamed about this

17 replies

ChangeMyName · 26/04/2004 10:02

Hi, I am a relative newbie to Mumsnet and have changed my name for this thread, because I was so embarrassed about my lack of morals! My problem is this. I recently met another new mum at course. Out of all the other mums there, we clicked with each other the best and our dd's are similar ages. As we got to know each other each week it became obvious that this woman (or her fiance) is very wealthy. Fancy weekends and holidays, 2nd homes, expensive jewellery, posh wedding etc. When I discovered how much money there was sloshing around, it made me feel very inadequate. I know that she is new to the area and I too am relatively new and know the value of making new friends. However, I am not sure I can be friends with her because of how different she is to me and how much money she has.
This is quite hard to articulate and probably hasn't come out too well, makes me sound like a shallow, resentful old c*w!, which is how I feel, to be honest.
She has my phone number and I have hers, I was on the verge of txting her the other day, but couldn't bring myself to do it. However, I also made it very clear when we last saw each other she was welcome to ring me any time and she hasn't either.
The other thing is, I have recently been prescribed anti-depressants (have literally been taking them a week). Depression triggered by a bit of baby blues, but also a theme in my life over the last 10 years. Self-confidence and self-esteem being the main issues. Bearing this in mind I feel loathe to be friends with this 'girl who has everything' when I am in a precarious emotional situation at the moment.
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do! This has been driving me crazy for weeks now (the course finished back in Feb). I don't want to be this materialistic, horrible person, it's something that I am really ashamed to admit to. But it's there. What do I do? Am quite prepared to hear you all say that I should stop being such an ar$$ and call the woman. What do I do?

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 26/04/2004 10:11

ChangeMyName I think you will find that it doesn't matter how much money someone has, if you get on well with them you just do.

I have friends who are on the dole and friends who are literally multi-millionaires. And of course many in-between!

I'm sure that this woman would be devastated if she thought that her financial situation was getting in the way of a friendship (just as you seem to be!) I don't think you should feel inadequate - just be yourself. For eg if I go round to dinner at very rich friends they may well produce bottles of wine that cost a fortune, I don't try and "compete" with that and take an expensive bottle, I just take some flowers or something instead, or a normal bottle of wine.

Presumably she is not expecting you to "keep up" with her financially, she just likes you as a person and would like to be your friend. It sounds to me like you like her too, so put your prejudices (yes, that is what they are!) aside and send her that text!

israel · 26/04/2004 10:12

...the girl who has everytning...doesn't!!...she doesn't have you as a friend...yet!!!...call her and meet up somewhere ...the park or somewhere where you will feel comfortable...I am sure if you hit it off on the course it will happen again....It's difficult finding someone you click with...don't loose her friendship or at least keep it open until you feel able to meet up..with phonecalls, e.mails..whatever.
It really shoudn't matter if shes royalty or living on the streets...friendship is friendship.

twiglett · 26/04/2004 10:17

message withdrawn

goosey · 26/04/2004 10:18

You have given 2 reasons for why you are not sure about becoming friends with this woman. Firstly you say she is different to you. Well you have already said that you and she clicked on your course, you are both women, you are both mothers, you are both new to the area and open to making new friends.
Your second reason - because of how much money she has. Money does not buy happiness - look at Princess Diana. For all you know she is up to her eyes in debt. If she has been ostentatiuosly boasting about her wealth then she is probably rather shallow, but if you both got on as mates then don't let anything stop you. You really don't have anything to lose, and you will feel pleased with yourself if you bite the bullet and text or phone her - whatever the outcome.
Good luck

Original poster

ChangeMyName · 26/04/2004 10:18

OK, I'm sending her a text now, you're right, I know you're right fingers crossed

OP posts:

Caribbeanqueen · 26/04/2004 10:21

Don't forget that you hit it off with her before you found out how much money she had. So if you liked her then, don't stop just because she's rich. If her money makes you feel uncomfortable, make sure you meet up somewhere where it's not an issue, the park, playgroup etc. until you get to know her a bit better.

I don't think you are being an arse at all, but I would hate for you to lose out on a possibly brilliant friendship because of this.

twiglett · 26/04/2004 10:22

message withdrawn

CountessDracula · 26/04/2004 10:23

Excellent! Good for you

wilbur · 26/04/2004 10:24

Completely agree with CD and Israel. Just because someone has money doesn't mean that they don't need friendship and someone to talk to about their children and experiences. It would be very sad to deny yourself someone who's company you enjoy because you feel they have more money than you do. I have a dear friend who married a partner at a top law firm and they practically have to dig holes in the floor to bury all their money. Of course, I am hugely envious of their amazing holidays, but I also know that my friend is still my friend and that she has issues in her life that have nothing to do with money and could never be solved by throwing cash at them. Please don't fall into the mindset of "Well, she's rich, what can she know about real life?" - just enjoy her company and see where that leads you. It could be a lovely friendship that enriches both your lives.

Original poster

ChangeMyName · 26/04/2004 10:34

Thank you all so much for your fabulous advice. I knew it in my heart, but also needed to hear it from others. I don't feel that because she is rich she wont have a clue about what real problems are, or even have any herself. It was more a queston of me being totally envious really!! It is a prejudice and one that I will do my best to get over

OP posts:

israel · 26/04/2004 10:35

great to hear your sending that text

CountessDracula · 26/04/2004 10:35

Good for you.

Blu · 26/04/2004 10:37

Very pleased to hear you have txted her, CMN, and hope that you develop a lovely friendship.

IMO there is NO problem with your morals at all...but as you recognise, your self-esteem is holding you back. If this woman snubs YOU because yoiu have less money, then there is a serious problem with HER morals, and you are still the lovely friendly person she got to know - so you have nothing to lose.

Enjoy yourself!

Kittypickle · 26/04/2004 10:49

I've only just read this and just wanted to say that I am pleased you sent the text. A couple of years ago we moved to a small village and I got on very well with someone at the toddler group. The first time I went to her house I had to park the car and go up to the gate to read the name plate as it was so huge and I wasn't sure I was in the right place ! She is now a fantastic friend and we helped each other through our "toddler days" - her husband worked away, she has a small age gap between her two and really struggled at times. I confessed to her that I was at first a bit daunted & slightly jealous of her house, money etc.

We both moved away from the village just over a year ago and recently met up in Winchester for a day without children (bliss!) and she thanked me for getting over the issue of her money, I was really glad I hadn't let it stop our friendship.

Toothache · 26/04/2004 10:59

ChangedMyName - I COMPLETLEY understand why you didn't want to contact this woman. I know it's not PC, but I would feel the same. Even if she doesn't deliberately shove it in your face it is something that is constantly there.

I get so pi$$ed off with my friends, who are childless and relatively wealthy, when they moan about not having enough money for another holiday abroad when they know that I can't afford to take my family on ONE never mind 2!

I think I'm definitely going to make it my rule in life to not make friends with people who (unwittingly or not) make me feel like sh*t.

I have many wealthy friends and many worse off than me. But sometimes I think the divide can be too huge to overcome if it makes you feel insecure.

Glad you texted though.... I must be way more shallow than you lot.

tigermoth · 26/04/2004 12:45

Glad you texted this woman. At least you are giving friendship a chance. I do understand where you are coming from, though. It really depends on her now. If you're feeling depressed, you may need more empathy than usual from friends. Try and meet her on a good day for you at a place you really like.

You say she is very different to you - is this just a cash thing? Does she seem to genuinely know and care about the not so good times you are going through? Would she try to play lady bountiful? If you meet her and she makes you feel bad, time to review things.

Levanna · 26/04/2004 23:19

Hi Changemyname, I think you did the right thing in texting this lady. I first met one of my friends a few months after my DD was born. Her perception of me was that I was 'posh' (due to my accent) and she said something to me which actualy made me cry later on that day! (I was depressed and found something she'd said quite brash and upsetting, though it wasn't her fault in any way.) We kept bumping in to each other over the following months, now, 2 years later, we're really good friends, speak daily and see each other at least a couple of times a week. If we'd each stuck with our initial perceptions (which we admitted to each other quite a while back and each found hilarious!) we'd each have a friend less.

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