Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

bloody social services again, I really wish they would jsut p*** off

27 replies

KellyKrueger1978 · 25/10/2006 14:42

I've just had a call from them regarding letting my exh (father of my eldest two). They want to send him the minutes of the last case conferance and invite him to the next.
Once he finds out about what has been happening he will probably be down here like a shot, I am going to get a battering. I really thought I had left all that behind and feel sick at the thought of facing him agian. I left him while pg with ds1, went into a refuge. He had contact with ds1 and dd for a while, until I moved to croydon 2.5 years ago. He didn't want to maintain contact after that, as it was too far. I've never stopped him from seeing his children, it was his choice.
ss have said they have a legal duty to inform him unless there is good reason otherwise. The core group thinkt here is good reason but the chair disagrees (apprently the children's mother gettign battered isn't sufficient!), so they were going to do it anyway, behind my back - which makes me really angry - not even warning me about it! The only reason I knwo about it is that they are strugglign to find his address. I have it, from a website, but I've refused to give it to them.
They've said that they won't disclose my address, but there are details there of the dkid's schools, childminder, everything. Even about the dts, which he doesn;t know about,a dn the fact that I live in the Bracknell area now.
Even if they don't give two shits about me getting beaten up, what about the kids? It is hardly protecting them to have a violent exp comong back on the scene enraged by what has been happening.
I am sick of trying my hardest to work with them and comply with what they want as far as the children go, when they are jsut making my life increasingly difficult. Dp is still nto allowed back much at all, so I am struggling as a single mum still, and I am sick of it.

OP posts:
bloodysideup · 25/10/2006 15:03

oh my god Kelly. Have been thinking about you and wondering how things have been.

This is just so depressing to hear; it really does seem that all that has happened since social services have been involved has been worse than how things were without them

I realise this may not be financially possible for you but could you get a solicitor to write to the chair of the Core Group to make the case that your fear of what would happen to you if your ex traced you from the information he will be given, is valid and a good reason for them not to pass the information on?

threelittlepumpkins · 25/10/2006 15:07

Oh Kelly you poor thing What an ordeal this has been for you. Have read your threads on this and hoped things would be getting better for you.

Have no idea what to suggest- could you get an injunction against ex based on his violence, so he can't attend case conferences or see kids? It may be too long since his last bad behaviour towards you. I'm really not sure what you can do, but I am sure there is something, and I am sure someone will be along in the minute to identify it.

Keep being strong, we are all here for you xxx

tiredemma · 25/10/2006 15:11

contact WomensAid for advice Kelly

Phone: 0808 2000 247

Email: [email protected]

Im amazed at SS for wanting to contact an abusive Ex, really - talk to womensaid- see if they can offer any help. They will most definetly have dealt with this before.

Original poster
KellyKrueger1978 · 25/10/2006 15:43

thanks for the suggestions. I've emailed womans aid, and once the children have gone to bed I am going to sit down and make the case out to the chair myslef as to why he shouldn't be contacted. Time seems short so I have to do something asap. There seems to be snippets of info coming from different places and they haven't even got the full story right, so it might help. I haven't got a lot of hope though. I jsut want to get away from it all I really do.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyKrueger1978 · 26/10/2006 11:37

I got loads of really useful information from womans aid, thank you tiredemma.

I've emailed the conference chair a very long mail about the circumstances, and spoken to my HV about what I should include. I'm waiting to hear back from the chair then if I don't get anywhere will contact my sol again. Fingers crossed

OP posts:
Overrun · 26/10/2006 11:44

Hi Kelly, sorry to hear about this, sounds like you are handling it really well, hope that your email does the trick.

Callisto · 26/10/2006 11:48

Kelly, I have nothing useful to add, but wanted to say I think you are dealing with all of this wonderfully well and that it will all work out well in the end.

BATtymumma · 26/10/2006 11:54

your doing everything i would have advised.

include in the letter any dates you remember, any agency involvment at the time and the lengtgh of time since he has ahad any involvment with the children.

if it is more than 5 years then it would be unecessary for him to be involved.

if they do continue with their fesire to contact him (i agree that this is being very badly managed) then make sure you make it very clear that for your own safety your adress and any identifiable information (ie Schools, Dr's practices etc) must be kept confidential.

You can approach the court to grant an order forbidding this information being shared with your exh. maybe if you show them how seriouse you are about this man finding you they will reconsider.

it is normal practice to inform all parents of your children as obviously they have a right to know what is happening in case of any care proceedings.

your situation seems quite reasonable to be excused this protocall though

Original poster
KellyKrueger1978 · 27/10/2006 01:29

I can't sleep. I'm not really expecting any replies this late, but hoping that maybe writing down my worries will help and maybe I will get some advice in the morning.

I tried to go to bed. dd is in my bed. She made me a card today, at the paediatricians'. We still have two paeds atm, his developemtnal and the one referred to by ss, and who are dealing with his eeg referral. Anyway this card had a beautiful picture of me and her under a rainbow and inside it said:
to mummy
I love you
I dont want you to go away
It has really broken my heart. I have reasurred her that I am not going anywhere but she is still worried. With all the ss involvement and dp having to leave, she is incredibly insecure and nothing I can say will reassure her. It worries me because she needs that security, and it also concerns me that she might not be honest with me in the future if she is scared of losing me or dp. I feel like I am screwing my dd up and don't know how to help her. Maybe it is just going to take time but my heat aches for her feeling this way.

OP posts:
mamamaaargh · 27/10/2006 02:12

Oh Kelly, I'm sorry. I really don't have anything helpful to add, I just wanted you to know that I had read your post & will be up for a while.

As for dd - all you can do is continue to be there, tell her you love her & reassure her that you won't go away. I don't know the background, other than what I have read on this thread, but it sounds like she's had some instability. You won't be able to magically make her feel better, but being there every day when she wakes up & when she goes to bed will help. You're right - it will take time

I really hope you have gone to bed now and can get some sleep.

lucy5 · 27/10/2006 02:27

My sil was in a similar situation and ss didn't inform her ex as she had left him to go to a refuge. I would try and put your foot down. Do you have solicitor? She had a bulldog of a woman and she made sure that it didn't happen. her solicitor was legal aid.

BudaBeast · 27/10/2006 06:33

What do they hope to achieve by informing your ex?

He is out of your lives and hasn't maintained contact.

I would put in the letter that you will be speakingto your solicitor about it as you are terrified - and don't gloss on the terrified aspect.

Poor you - you are realy going through it.

frumpygrumpy · 27/10/2006 11:18

Kelly, found you and catching up...... I strongly disagree with your exh being involved - that would surely unsettle your children so much - how would they understand that? Confusing for them in an enormous way. I hope all concerned see sense.....

I wish you had one person who was fighting your corner. Keep strong x. Lovely card from your dd - rainbows are happy, shows she is fine, if she wasn't drawing or drawing horrible stuff then you could worry. Keep hugging them, keep smiling and laughing for them, try to talk little about it in front of them. I'm sure you're doing all that already xx.

howlidaymum · 27/10/2006 11:28

OOOOh this makes my blood boil! Poor you.

WE have the opposite problem our social services are not keeping us informed of a stituation with sd's mother and we have shared residence its like getting blood out of a stone!

When will ss realise the distress parents are in?

xena · 27/10/2006 11:32

Hi kelly just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you. How is your relationship bearing up with your DH/p?

Original poster
KellyKrueger1978 · 27/10/2006 12:01

still no word back yet, I think I am being ignored

Things are starting to get better between dp and I, thanks xena. He is really trying so ahrd, and I think we will be ok. Just getting everything else sorted that is the prob.

thanks fg, I hope you are right abotu dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyKrueger1978 · 27/10/2006 12:47

jsut heard back. she seems determined to contact him and has said it is her decision and not the core groups. She is gathering more info and then will make a decision. She is basically saying bcos he had contact with them until I moved he shoudl be involved. It looks liek he will get invited the the case conference, then I won't be able to attend. There is no way I am going anywhere near him. SHe has suggested I contact advocacy services through womans aid, which I suppose means she wants me to talk to him. I can't do this, and I don't knwo what to do now. I really can't take any mroe.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 27/10/2006 15:03

glad that Womensaid gave you some good advice- they really are a godsend.

I am stunned at the Social workers attitude-re your ex- quite what they hope to gain - I dont know.

thinking of you and your family kelly.x

Original poster
KellyKrueger1978 · 27/10/2006 15:11

I called them today after gettign that email. They are going to get me an outreach worker who will be able to help me access some of the services we need that ss promised and haven't done anythign about, such as bump up homestart and parenting classes for dp. Then if my exh does turn up they will be able to help me deal with that too. The lady on the phone was lovely.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 27/10/2006 15:16

good- homestart are fab also.

Social service can do a fantastic job- but quite often they do get it wrong- just like your situation, they could easily have put you onto homestart etc but they are just to quick to fly in and create a nightmare, not caring who they are destroying in the process.

Keep my fingers crossed for you- hope your nightmare is sorted out for good soon.

Original poster
KellyKrueger1978 · 31/10/2006 18:51

still not really getting very far. Had an email from the chair warning me that my exh would be on the lsit for invitations to be sent out to for the review conference. The chair seems a bit more sympathetic now, and has said that the problem is that hte social worker isn't doing his job in producing the evidence needed to let her make a decision on restricting information passed to my exh or excluding him altogether. She is contacting his supervisor, and also womans aid are going to contact him on my behalf too. I've emailed him asking him to call me two days ago and heard nothing. He really is as useful as a chocolate fireguard
I asked the chair if I can try to obtain the information myself, and jsut had a reply saying that I can. But she has also said that evidence of past domestic violence rarely indiates a current risk that is enough to prevent information being given out. It seems bloody stupid, I moved away from him 2.5 years ago, so there wouldn't be any ongoing evidence, but the fact that there were issues up until that point really should be sufficient! I don't really know what I can do.
My only real hope at the moment is that my chocolate fireguard remains totally useless and doesn't find exh's address. I've located him online but refused to give it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyKrueger1978 · 31/10/2006 18:54

I'm very tempted to not bother going to the review conference at all. They are doing nothing for us, the only support I am getting is from my hv and woman's aid. I jsut don't see any point in going through the stress of it, as it jsut seems bureaucratic now.

OP posts:
lemonAIIEEE · 31/10/2006 18:58

Kelly, can you make sure you present the evidence to show that there was domestic violence when you were living together, then the violence continued after you split up, and was only stopped by your moving away and your ex not knowing where you were? I can see what they mean about past domestic violence not being sufficient in and of itself, but if you can show a consistent pattern of violence that takes place whenever he gets near you that might be different (or might not, admittedly, given how "wonderfully" the social worker is managing so far).

Also, your council probably has a domestic violence coordinator (not someone who coordinates domestic violence, but someone whose job tackling it is). It might be worth trying to identify her and get her on side.

lemonAIIEEE · 31/10/2006 19:06

I forget exactly where you are, but the Domestic Violence Reduction Co-ordinator for WIndsor and Maidenhead (and I think for East Berkshire in general) is Sophie Crowe (Tel: 01628 645687).

Original poster
KellyKrueger1978 · 31/10/2006 19:06

what an awful job title domestic violence co-ordinator! it did make me smile though. I will try them, thanks. I really am desperate, will try anything and everything!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread