what's the mature response to this?

[elliott]

I'm having a christening party for ds2 soon, which will be a big party for family and friends. Its taking place at my parents house, and I know they are both really looking forward to it - my mum's had an awful year with treatment for a life threatening disease and she loves seeing her grandchildren.
My sister has just said that she won't be coming, because her dh has a company day out and she would rather spend the day with him. I'm pretty hurt and upset by this - I can accept that BIL can't come as he is a company director, but I really feel slighted by the lack of care my sister has shown to both me and my family and also, I feel, our parents. Also, the company day out is a mere couple of miles from my parents' place and I think it would be quite possible to spend a bit of time at both (I have suggested this as a compromise).
Anyway I have made my feelings clear to sister(!) and vice versa, but now I feel really awful about the whole party - I can't think about it without getting angry and upset. I really don't want this to spoil it, and I also don't want it to sour my relationship with my sister, but at the same time right now I'm not feeling very forgiving.
Any advice about how to get some perspective and rise above this??

I can understand why you'd be hurt but remember there will be lots of peple at the party who care for you all. let her get on with her day out, but just repeat the suggestion that it would be nice if they could spare a few minutes at some point. It's really not worth getting into a stew about.

I'm not sure how you can rise above this Elliott. IMO your ds's christening party should take priority over a day out with her dh. Your sister is bing very selfish. You are right to be pi**ed off. I would tell her how this is upsetting you, and that this day is v important to you and your Mum.

Hope things work out.

On what you have told us, it does sound like she has been rather insensitive and unkind.
Trying to see it from her side, it must have been difficult when she found out that the two events clashed and had split loyalties. Just perhaps she was dreading telling you and when she did, made a hash of it and it all came out badly? Maybe not, not for me to say.
For your whole families? sake, though, I would try to patch up your differences before the big event so that on the day you can relax with a clear head and enjoy yourself without any negative feelings - even if that means offering the olive branch first. You can do this without turning it around that you are "giving in" or suggesting you were wrong to be angry. I would give her a ring/go visit and tell her that you feel awful about your argument, that it has really upset you and would like to sort it out. Let her know that it is because you care about her and see her as an important part of the family that you want her there. I would tell her that you understand that she needs to be there for her husband too, but ask if there is any way of compromise such as her attend the ceremony and go on to join her husband afterwards?
Sorry, no answers, I just know from bitter experience that the sooner family arguments, esp. with sisters, are resolved the easier it is for everyone. Someone has to make the first move - might as well be you. Good Luck.

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thanks for the feedback everyone! I think my sister knows I am upset, and understands full well why, and I am not sure telling her again will be productive - I don't want to come on with a huge guilt trip any more than I already have! The ball's in her court now to see if she can manage to make an appearance on the day. I suppose I am upset at how blunt she was in terms of 'well, its a choice between family and spouse and spouse comes first - I can't please everyone so I'm doing what I woudl prefer to do'.
I just don't want it to become remembered as 'the party that X didn't turn up to' or for my parents to think 'it was very nice but such a shame all the family weren't there'. I guess the best way to do that is not to make a huge thing of it and to concentrate on all the people who DO care enough to come (that's what my wise dh says anyway!)

Elliott, i can completely see why you are upset and would be exactly the same in your shoes, however in an attempt to understand the situation i wonder if there is more to it than meets the eye. Has your sister got children? Could it be that she is finding it hard for you and your child to be the centre of the attention? r their other issues going on. perhaps she is not even aware of her true feelings herself? I have seen friends of mine drop me like a wet blanket when i was pregnant and had kids and later found out that they just couldnt handle it cos it was something they wanted for themselves so desparately! Hope the days goes off well anyway.