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Original poster

How can you advance your career while still being a good mum?

18 replies

ZolaPola · 23/04/2004 09:49

An obvious question, I realise, but does anyone else frequently question the choices they have made? ie whether to be stay-at-home mum, f/t career woman, mix & match the 2, re-train etc? I've kind of done all of these during ds's little life, and also done postgrad study, all at his, rather, than my expense I feel...He's 3 now and I'm still not sure what to do - on a great day at work I'm happy to advance my career and fit him round that, and then on a bad day or when he seems unsettled I think I should just chuck it all in and stop juggling so much. I'd like to request more flexible working, though as I already do 4 days a week rather than f/t I feel I've already lost some credibility at work and job involves so much networking & going to meetings that wd be hard to cut down hours..
Any advice?

OP posts:

Soapbox · 23/04/2004 09:54

No advice - just sympathy as I'm in pretty much the same position! I work 4.5 days per week in a pretty high flyer type role. I work at home on the morning of my half day too!

I've just had a big promotion at work which entails working longer hours and visiting other offices more. In the past I would have been very glad of this opportunity - now all I can think of is how it will affect the time I get to spend with my DD(5) and DS(4).

It always feels like the balance isn't right whichever way I go. Still at least we have the choice, more than many generations of mothers before have had. Sometimes though choice is a mixed blessing, I fear!

lalaa · 23/04/2004 10:00

I've kind of given up advancing career for the time being (dd 18 months) - decided that it was important to get a flexible job doing something that doesn't exactly enthuse me, but which fits around her. Am also starting re-training in September part-time, but while this will enable me to do something I've always wanted to, I'm also doing it because when I've finished (in three years time) it will mean I can be here when dd comes back from school.

Lots of sympathy though. I just decided I didn't need the stress and have reconciled the career thing.

marialuisa · 23/04/2004 10:01

not sure. i've finished my undergrad, done postgrad qualifications and worked f/t since getting pregnant/having DD. she's also 3. i'm finally in a job which I enjoy, seem to be quite good at (!), has relatively ok pay given that i've only had to vary my fixed 35 hours p.w. once in 4 months and that it's quite relaxed here really.

DD is very happy at school but less happy with the cm she goes to in the hols. i was thinking about asking for a term-time only contract, as for me this would be the ideal solution but there's a big reorganisation going on and it looks like i will be given a pay-rise but the "slow" holiday periods will disappear. As i'm on a 3 year rolling contract i'm anxious not to be too emanding IYSWIM.

So, no real advice at all! if you like your job then perhaps it's best to stick it out. Kids have their bad days and i think working mums blame ourselves for that more than maybe SAHMs do? but i can't honestly say I'm especially career-minded, I grew up with a workaholic father and i'm just not prepared to make the sacrifices (and neither is DH) so taht probably makes things easier.

Original poster

ZolaPola · 23/04/2004 10:02

Thanks! I know most of us face the same dilemma and that as you say, we're also lucky to have such choice. Though general expectations, our own and those of others, much higher now than for previous generations. Guess we've just had too much education to expect any less...

Just wanted to sound off really, and hear how other people manage, whether they agonise about it much or just get on with life.

OP posts:

twiglett · 23/04/2004 10:04

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twiglett · 23/04/2004 10:04

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Original poster

ZolaPola · 23/04/2004 10:05

Thanks for yr supportive messages, overlapped with my reply to Soapbox, so sorry if unclear!
We're all in the same boat, clearly.

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Original poster

ZolaPola · 23/04/2004 10:09

Thanks Twiglet - sounds like you made the right choice after working such crazy hours. I'm lucky I don't have to do that. How's life now? Do you work p/t or are you a f/t SAHM?

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twiglett · 23/04/2004 10:23

message withdrawn

Original poster

ZolaPola · 23/04/2004 10:28

Marialuisa (you must be Spanish??) - I know what you mean about the guilt thing being especially prevalent in working mums. I love the bashing of shop-bought mince pies in the book 'I don't know how she does it'!The working mum tries to keep up with local SAHMs at school party by pretending that she too makes home made pies...
Lalaa - good luck with the studies.

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marialuisa · 23/04/2004 11:04

ZP-my nationality's more complicated than that! My dad is half Mallorquin/half Italian but was sent to school here (Franco thing), my mum's welsh and I would probably give that as my nationality. Maria-Luisa is my middle name, actual first name is jewish and not remotely exotic!

Yep, I'm afraid I probably over do the healthy-eating, home-baking out of guilt...Feeling esp resentful today as work is dead, weather is gorgeous and I can't leave!

neetsmassi · 23/04/2004 11:15

ZolaPola - I am SAHM and I don't do home made thing - wish I did but I don't know where my times goes (mumsnet probably!). Used to have high flying job in the city - got pushed sideways after going back after maternity leave - left to take a local job - got very bored and last year gave up work but am trying to set up business from home part time as a tax consultant. By the way DH loves thhe fact that I am SAHm as he has no domestic crap to sort out and our life runs much more smoothly now - doesn't actually like mre doing any professional work ( I was uop till 3 last night marking mock exam scripts for tax exams)as it eats in the time I have to look after the family -of course this means I am more dtermined to do my own thing as well. Also I do miss the buzz of my old (pre DD) job. I think we all just have to make a decision and make the best of it - no one way is perfect

Original poster

ZolaPola · 23/04/2004 11:30

Too true, Neetsmassi. Must learn to be content with my lot. My dh also liked it when I was SAHM as he did hardly any housework then, another incentive for me to work!

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Original poster

ZolaPola · 23/04/2004 11:34

Marialuisa - I would call that an exotic mix, being almost wholly English myself with a mere smattering of the usual welsh/scots blood wayback! Sorry to hear yr stuck in an office - my day off" today so after housework & general toddlertainment, will log off and finally go out to enjoy the sun.

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jimmychoos · 23/04/2004 12:05

ZolaPola - I work full time - three days in office and the rest flexibly around my kids (4 and 18mths). My Dp works part time. So all in all the children go to nursery two and a half days (2 days for 18 mth)and are with one or other of us the rest of the time. And I still feel guilty and torn between being at work and at home.

I find the thing that gives for me work-wise is not just the ambition - I have resigned myself to doing the same job for the next three years because I'm not willing to make that extra leap in out-of-hours commitment that I would need to do to get to the next level. It's also the networky/ social aspects of work - I have to work that much harder when I'm there not only to get the work done and leave on time but also to keep up contacts/ find out what is happening etc - the kind of info I used to get in the pub after work (don't do that anymore - want to get home to kids)

I am the main breadwinner so I feel incredibly lucky to have such flexible employers who enable me to spend so much time with my kids - many in my position feel really trapped by long hours etc. To be honest I think you do lose credibility at work by cutting down - and I have to 'let go' of some projects that I want to work on and delegate simply because I can't guarantee I'll be around for vital meetings etc and I don't want to give myself that stress.

So no advice really - just sympathy - it's all so hard isn't it?

Tortington · 23/04/2004 19:43

your child is 3, so school isn't that far away. i do not think a career and being a mum are mutually exclusive. if you are happy your child will be happy. maybe you are just in the wrong work environment. i am lucky in that my boss always tells me i can work from home or a very local office ( shed really) should i have childcare problems. and i do.

i have a career and i would like to take on further responsability as time passes. however, i do not wish to have a career that takes up most of my time. i do work occasional evenings and weekends but i take the time back. i am a firm believer in not being a martyr for work - ie. get in at 8 am to show the boss your keen and dont leave til 6.30 remember you work to live - not the other way around. i work for a housing association whic is a registered charity - one would think its alovely nvironment. in fact its as corporate as IBM or ICI. the management are predominantly male. and they allgo golding on a sunday. i would rather lie in bed, and eat a bacon butty whilst the kids bug me about playing out. rather than being on a golf course with a false smile bitching about fellow members of staff and trying to arse lick to the best of my ability.

also when one has a partner i think its important to remember that the responsability does not fall with the mother alone.

prufrock · 23/04/2004 20:07

You can't (IME)
I am on mat leave with 2nd child and don't intend to go back as I know that I can't advance my career and have adequate time with my kids. Your comment re 8:00 to 6.30 is telling custy - in my office those hours would actually be seen as slacking off, and would definately not put you in the running for career advancement (Another one of the many reasons I had to get out of there). Anybody doing 9-5 or part-time hours would not only not get promoted but would probably miss out on bonuses as well. And my employers call themselves flexible!

expatkat · 23/04/2004 20:52

Controversially, could advancement of one's career be another way of being a good mum? Not for the SAAB convertibles (, Twiglett) but for providing yr kids with a different kind of a role model (not better, not worse, just different) than a domestic one. Most of my friends who had working mums (few & far between in my childhood!) are terribly proud of them & don't resent their mums' time spent away from the home. The daughters are well-adjusted career women themselves now.

Zolapola, your 3-yr-old will have good days and unsettled days whether you're there with him or not. Chuck it in if being a SAHM is really what you want to do, and go for fewer hours if that's feasible, but if you can't: don't feel guilty!

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