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Original poster

Oh no, it's another of those

19 replies

emsiewill · 17/10/2006 16:15

Sorry, but I am really quite upset, and need to know if I have got things out of perspective.

I have an 'email friendship' with a man at work - it started by accident, but we found that we got on really well, had similar sense of humour, and similar opinions on work-related issues. However, politically / philosophically we are miles apart - sounds like a cliche, but he reads the DM, and I read the Guardian.

We have had many joky exchanges of the "Well you would think that, being a fascist DM reader", "easy for you to say reading that pinko scum rag" etc, etc, and have debated many issues where we have agreed to disagree. We have also talked about our families, and got quite close (I thought), but not too close iyswim (so no need to question me about that aspect of things).

Anyway, he's been a bit sharp and sarcastic with me for the last couple of days, but I've been holding my own, until we got onto the subject of dd1 - he knows the problems I've had with her and her anger (see many previous mumsnet threads). I was saying that I was very proud of her, she has been chosen to represent the school on a local radio programme, and I was saying that it is wonderful to know that she is always well behaved at school and outside the home, and people always compliment me on her mature behaviour. I said that it's good that she only gets angry at home, she obviously knows she is safe to 'vent' there.

(are you still with me?!)

This was his reply:

"I am lost for words. It is safe to vent at home eh???? A 14yr old by the name of Michael Hamer thought it was 'safe' to vent at home recently killing a young 11 yr boy with cystic fibrosis. This is undoubtedly the result of such a philosophy. Vent not thy anger I say, but deal with it constructively. There is no room for violence at home whatever form that takes........."

So, am I unreasonable to take great offence at this? I was close to tears after reading it.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

evilanniedividedin2byalargeaxe · 17/10/2006 16:18

It does sound like an extreme view (his, I mean). Could he possibly have meant it as a joke?

Does he have family too?

I think I would be a bit upset too.

CountessDracula · 17/10/2006 16:20

Very odd

Is he religious? The "vent not they anger" bit is a bit odd tbh.

Original poster

emsiewill · 17/10/2006 16:20

Yes, he has a daughter the same age as dd1. I think he may have meant it as a joke, but he's just gone too far for me.

I have told him not to bother emailing again - whether he meant it as a joke or not, I can't see him in the same light any more.

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evilanniedividedin2byalargeaxe · 17/10/2006 16:21

Yes, CountessDracula, I thought that sounded a bit odd too. How very strange.

Original poster

emsiewill · 17/10/2006 16:22

He is doing a theology degree, he is really well read and knowledgeable, and enjoys saying inflammatory things to wind me up - which usually I can deal with and reply in kind. But I would never suggest that his daughter may become a murderer due to the way he parents her...just too much.

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2mum · 17/10/2006 16:22

I wouldnt like that either emsiewill. You did the right thing telling him not to bother emailing you again. If hes being sarcastic, i think he went too far.

Original poster

emsiewill · 17/10/2006 16:23

And the case that he cites is just awful - not nice to use as material for a 'joke'

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CountessDracula · 17/10/2006 16:24

tbh I think you need to talk to him and try and understand what he meant.

I had a boyfriend once who read Theology and he was a bit weird. Maybe he has just expressed himself poorly

lulumama · 17/10/2006 16:25

the fact that you have based your relationship on jokey insults and name calling has really muddied the waters..and what may have been meant sarcastically is being taken literally...but the analogy to a murderer is way too strong...i'd let him know he has overstepped the mark....

greenday · 17/10/2006 16:26

Too much, I think. Too personal. I do not think that you are overreacting. I would feel very offended by anyone who would dare to suggest that my dd is a murderer in the making and that it would be my fault.

Also, I think if he really meant it sincerely, he would find more constructive and kinder ways to bring the message across.

Original poster

emsiewill · 17/10/2006 16:30

This is his reply to me saying that I didn't want to have any more communication with him, but that he should think how he would feel if I suggested his dd was going to murder someone.

"Typical really. Make a point to me but try to close down my right of reply, as only one opinion is valid. Accuse me of saying or implying horrendous things I never said or implied. I was talking about the danger of unfettered release of 'anger' and nothing more. Any attempt to twist an alternate meaning out of this is pure mischief.

I suggest a little perspective and reflection may help, but nevertheless if you wish to cut communication so be it. "

Perhaps I did overreact, but I am so proud of my dd, and his remark really hurt me.

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greenday · 17/10/2006 16:39

How vindictive he sounds! Sorry, I know he was a friend whom you got along really well but from an outsider's point of view, he really does sound like he's got other issues festering. It sounds to me that he's playing the victim and at the same time, being rather condescending.

Also, I think the fact that you aren't the only one to think his remarks odd shows that you aren't being unreasonable.

Really weird. Seems like he's picking a fight. Are there any other underlying issues?

Original poster

emsiewill · 17/10/2006 16:45

Not sure about other underlying issues - as I say, he has been quite sharp with me this week (putting down the work my team do etc, etc), but I am quite sarcy sometimes (although not in such a vindictive way), so can deal with that and reply in kind.

He does have family issues (divorced, shares custody of his dd, ex wife sounds a bit deranged, current wife a bit dizzy), so perhaps there's stuff going on at home.

Patronising and condescending are definitely the words to describe his last email. What's really annoying is that I'm sure he's just thinking "hysterical female, probably her time of the month".

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greenday · 17/10/2006 17:17

Feel for you. From what you describe about his family problems, maybe he is feeling resentful of all he's going through and feeling sorry for himself. Perhaps its not personal attack but just an attack on womankind in general.
Think I would lay low and give him space. Though men being men, he'll probably think he's right all along. I agree with you that what's really annoying is that he thinks you are hysterical and unreasonable. Sigh ...

Original poster

emsiewill · 17/10/2006 18:49

bump - anyone else?

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Original poster

emsiewill · 17/10/2006 21:29

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themoon666 · 17/10/2006 22:00

Does he know Michael Hamer or the young boy with cystic fibrosis? Or does he know someone from their families? Or is he related to them in some way? Perhaps he has some reason to feel so strongly about anger/violence at home.... I don't know, but he is obviously upset and feels strongly. You touched a nerve or something.

I've been in a similar situation where I sent one of those stupid chain emails where you click-click down your list and send. It was a self-defence-type thing. One person on the list was a rape victim over 20 years ago.... she sent me an email back of such venom you've never seen the like of. I apologised and she continued to attack me so I gave up after about the sixth apology and we have never spoken to one another since.

These things happen. You may never know why.

Original poster

emsiewill · 17/10/2006 23:05

As you say, I guess I'll never know why he used such an extreme analogy...I'm pretty sure he will never apologise, he is a v stubborn person, so unless I make the first move, that will be it. And I will not be making the first move.

I have just read a report on the murder, and I am feeling all over again - how dare he suggest that my child has anything in common with Michael Hamer? He was obviously a seriously damaged child, with many issues...

Oh, I'm not going to dwell on this any more, going to go and kiss my beautiful dds and go to bed.

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Original poster

emsiewill · 18/10/2006 18:08

Well, no contact from him today (was sort of hoping he might apologise-a vain hope obviously).

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