I don't know what to do re totally inappropriate sexual comments

[hounded]

Have changed my name because I don't want him figuring out who I am

I have a family member who sexually abused me and my siblings when we were children. Not anything that would ever leave any tell tale signs but enough to know that something had happened.

One of my siblings eventually came out about the whole thing but nothing (in terms of convictions) ever came of it. Both siblings live abroad - I am the only one living in the same country as him now.

I visited him recently - not because I want to see him but I heard, from his wife, that he was teaching some sort of class in a school and I wanted to make sure this was happening before I took any action. As it turns out, it is in a school building but never when there are children around (I have verified this).

Anyway, during this visit he tried it on with me which was just terrifying. I'm back now but this morning, I came in and found out he has left a message for me on the phone wanting to know when I am coming back. He is very clever because in no way could this be used against him - there's nothing suggestive about it but I know exactly what he wants.

Do you think I should go to the police? It is making me sick even thinking that I might have to do this and I'm not sure anything could be done as nothing has happened but I really really do not know where to go from here.

oh hun. go to the police. if ntohing else at least its logged then. tell them that he is working at a school as well.

Tell the police - every tiny bit of evidence stacks to make a better case, no matter how small. Im sorry you've had to go through this ((hugs))

but they never seem to do anything? it always ends up being a battle of words because there's no proof?

the messege is abit of proof. Has this been to court already etc?

I think that, given the history, you ought to be taken seriously if you go to the police. It will take some of the load off your mind too, which is really important.

And please don't think that there isn't any proof - the fact that both you and your sibling would testify will count for a great deal, even if nothing came to conviction.

I also think the police would be interested to know that he is teaching in a school building as well.

It's horrible that he's bringing it all back for you, just because you are trying to make sure that what happened to you doesn't happen again, but you are being very brave.

oh blimey hounded, what an awful situation for you - have you anyone who could go with you to the police? would your siblings be prepared to validate what you say?

Message withdrawn

I read something recently regarding a woman who had been abused along with other women she knew in her childhood. They did in fact get a conviction - hmm my memory is not good but I think he was about to set up home abroad with a woman who had young chidren (it may have been in take a break)

The fact that he is calling you now proves he is still not a nice person and his reasons for working at a school are suspect at best.

Talk to his other victims and see if they would be willing to help (point out where he is working) and if YOU need help dont be afraid to ask for it.

Go to the police. They may not be able to take it very far but it will show this awfull man that you not going to tolerate his behaviour and it will be on record so if he leaves you anymore messages you can use them as evidence against him. They will also be able to tell you what to do in the future should he contact you again.

thank you all for your comments

I think it's a possibility that one of my siblings would go to court if she had to - however, she is pregnant at the moment and I really don't want to force her to drag it all up right now. She's due in January and has a history of early labours and I don't want to go to her unless I 100% have to (also we have never spoken about this amongst ourselves).

Re this going to court - it never got that far. Initially, my sister (the one who made the allegation) was completely disbelieved. She was abroad at the time so did not make the allegations with the British police. It was all very complicated but it ended up going nowhere but the whole family was told.

I have heard subsequently (through other sources) that some sort of allegation was made against him in this country - however, the person who made the allegation subsequently withdrew it and nothing was pursued.

I have never spoken to a 3rd party about this - ever. Even the thought of having to do it scares me absolutely shitless.

Hounded - my heart goes out to you, it must be really hard.

I think you're probably right about your sister, and not doing anything for the moment. But I think that you should probably still go and talk to the police, mainly because this is something that is impacting on your life right now, not just in the past, and if he is going within 500yards of a school, could potentially be affecting other children.

But this must be such a difficult thing to do. Perhaps then you could think about talking to a counsellor or charity first? They won't just be able to give you some help on what to do, but it might be an easier thing to do than start with the police. I'm not the best person to advise on these, but I'm sure someone else will be along who can help.

If he's working at a school where there are children you should tell the police, at least then there will be something logged - just think "Ian Huntley". And if just one person reports this man - other victims will come out of the woodwork.

there are no children when he is at the school (it's in a building that is used by the school but not at the same time).

I mean, I know logically, that if someone else posted this I would say go and talk to the police. But this time nothing has actually happened. It is more my fear of something happening. The abuse in the past was well over 20 years ago and wasn't what is considered a 'serious' sexual assault (so not rape, no physical damage done). It was all very subtle but it was very much real.

I am worried that I bare my soul to the police (which will cause immense emotional torment for me) only to have them turn around and tell me there's nothing that can be done.

he is also incredibly old now - nearly 90

he will say (in his defence, as he has done in the past) that he is just making lewd suggestions which he agrees are inappropriate

But consider how empowering it can be to tell him "The police know all about you and what you've done" Even if the police do nothing, it puts you in the position of power.

Please, for your own piece of mind go to the police. Even if they take no action (and following cases like Soham etc, I doubt it). But if he ever does come into contact with children again and repeats what he did to you and your siblings, you will have it on your concience forever more.

You and your siblings have been very brave so far, a little bit further and the whole issue should be taken out of your hands. Good Luck X

thanks - maybe I will just phone the police (he lives quite far from me so would be a whole day out to go to their local station)

hopefully they will just sort it out over the phone and I can put the whole sodding affair behind me

it doesn't make me feel empowered unfortunately, it makes me feel vulnerable - I know deep down I'm quite strong and tbh, I feel more angry than vulnerable at the moment but it's still bloody horrible even having to think about it all