My life is a house of cards, and it's all about to fall down (long, sorry)

[emsiewill]

Not sure what / if anyone can do anything about this, but I just need to "talk" to someone about what's going on in my life at the moment.

Firstly, my manager left last week, which has left myself and my colleague, who comprised her team, very vulnerable. We work for a company which takes the shortest possible view - if you're not making money for the company, you're of no interest to them. We were running the training department, and my manager left because she was getting sick and tired of not being allowed to run a proper training and competence programme, being constantly undermined, and having to second-guess all the time. We (the remaining 2) have been told today that she is not being replaced (dur! do you think we hadn't worked that one out), and we are going to be "absorbed" into another team, and will carry on for the foreseeable future, picking up her work as well. The company I work for sells itself to all clients on its brilliance, its well-trained staff and its ability to respond to the many and varied needs of the clients. It started as a small company, moving with the market, now employs over 300 people, but still tries to operate like that small company - recently getting rid of all qualified HR staff, facilities manager, learning and development manager etc etc. So I am feeling very vulnerable, and very demotivated. Trouble is that there is nowhere else within a 50 mile radius that pays as well as where I am now - anywhere else working 30 hours a week, I would be lucky to get 50% of what I earn now. Even if I worked full time, I would find it hard to earn significantly more.

Normally, this would not be a big issue, I have got to the point where I would have been willing to take a paycut to get away but last week, dh received a final written warning from his work, for consistently failing to meet the required standard in audits. The letter implied that if he got another bad result, that would be it. We were on holiday the week before lasSt (when the letter arrived), and while he was away from work, there was a spot H&S audit, and the required standard was not met. He has had to go tonight to regional HQ to see the regional manager, to discuss what happens next. We should have some idea by 10ish tomorrow what is likely to happen.

I am beside myself with worry. If he loses his job, we are up the creek without a paddle. We remortgaged last year, and paid all our debts, and were just about getting on an even keel - not spending more than was coming in (which was one of our real failings before), some months even managing to save - but there is no way that we could make ends meet on my salary alone (the mortgage would take 70% of it). Jobs in this area that pay the sort of wage he was on (not really that much) are few and far between, and he's worked for the same company for the past 12 years, so although he has plenty of transferable skills, he hasn't had to do interviews or sell himself since he left university.

I don't want my dh to know how worried I am - he feels so awful about "letting us all down" (and I feel a bit like that, too, although I wouldn't put that burden on him). I don't really have any friends that I can turn to - they all think my life is wonderful. My family all live miles away, and dh is away until Wednesday evening. I'm sitting at home trying not to take it out on the dd's and wondering how I'm going to sleep tonight.

I'm so demotivated at work anyway, but just when I should be showing them that they still need to employ me, so that at least one of us still has a job, I feel all I want to do is stay at home with the covers over my head.

Sorry this has been so long, congratulations if you've got this far, and thanks for listening.

emsiewill, my heart goes out to you, it really does. I have worked for a small company which got big, but still thought of itself as small, and its just not like working for a normal firm is it.

Re your husband, I'm sure you know that your husband could appeal his final ww. As you say he was on holiday when the audit was done, so its hardly fair. Make sure your dh knows when it will be taken OFF his personnel file.

Your dh is so lucky to have you, I know it doesn't seem like it just now, but things will work out alright. I was "asked to leave" from the above company 11 months before my wedding, had no savings and high debts. I got a temping job for 6 months, and then started a new job 2 months before the wedding day. That all seems so long ago now, but it ws very real then, and again I felt I had noone to turn to.

Sorry for the lost post rely, but I really do empathise with you, and wish I could say lots of more uplifting owrds of encouragement,

god emsiewill, all i can give you is a big hug {{{}}}, you are under so much pressure, i totally relate to feeling that you want to hide your head under the covers and never come out. fwiw, you sound like a wonderful wife and mother (your worries about not burdening your dh and not taking things out on your dd's say that). i know how awful it is working in a fear driven company under threat of redundancy: impossible to do your job properly or relax enough to enjoy a minute of it. i think that you do need to confide in someone face to face (not just on here) and maybe it is your dh...you are partners, perhaps he should know how worried you are (i think will have probably guessed won't he?). you say your family are far away, but are you close enough to one of them to speak to them on the phone re this. it's awful that you're facing all of this alone. you need support too right now. i'm really feeling for you, try try try to get some sleep somehow (big glass of wine??). I don't know what else to say except i'm thinking of you and hoping that it turns out ok for your dh tomorrow.

oh dear, i am so sorry to read this, emsiewill. are you looking for advice? i can't think of any atm anyway, but if so, will try and give it some thought and come back to you tomorrow.

Sounds like shit emsiewill. Wish I had the magic answer but I don't. But nothing stays the same forever. Sorry that sounds trite but things do change. If the worst came to the worst, could you move to a differnt house, smaller mortgage? Just trying to think of contingency plans really. Don't get too disheartened.

Thanks for the support. I have had a glass of wine, so may well be able to sleep.

Not sure if anyone will be able to advise me, really, just looking for someone to pour it all out to - as always its easier to do it here than in "real life" where there's always a hidden agenda (or that's how I feel, anyway).

I could tell my family - but hate having to admit to "failure", which I realise is my problem, but makes it difficult. Would never tell dh's family - his mother would have a nervous breakdown and cry for days and days, which would really annoy me. His parents don't know that he's been banned from driving for 6 months - he won't tell them, and I don't see why I should.

And of course, a lot of jobs need you to have a driving licence, which he will not have until August.

We could move to a different house, and I have looked at the local property pages, but it's so depressing. The only way to make it worthwhile would be to move to a shitty area in a substantially smaller house than this.

And I know people have much worse things going on in their lives (they have to live in the shitty areas for a start), but I just feel like I've done nothing to deserve this. And then I feel selfish for feeling like this.

But at least moving is an option? Sometimes just knowing you have a fall-back plan eases the stress a little. Thinking there is NO way out increase the panic but at least if you know you could move, the pressure might ease. What about discussing your rights and entitlemnets with the CAB, again for info?

emsiewill, I read this but can't post much now - Have you now more of an idea about what will happen with your dh and his job? sending you a big hug.

emsiewill, how did it go? i've been thinking of you...

Hang on hang on emsiewill, nothing has actually happened yet has it?

Maybe you will both keep your jobs and everything will be fine. I think most people feel like this these days, there are no jobs for life anymore. I know that if dh or I lost our jobs our lives would have to change dramatically, but you can't live your life worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet esp when there is nothing you can do about it!

I guess that your dh will be given targets to meet and presumably he will do everything within his power to meet them. Your company will still need training so surely your job is relatively safe?

And if the worst happens, YOU WILL COPE. People do.

Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, I am so used to lecturing dh on being a pessimist that I tend to lean too far the other way sometimes. He is constantly conviced that we are both going to get fired and end up in a cardboard box

Hope things improve xx

emsiewill - I haven't got anything helpful to suggest, but wanted to say I hope you get some news soon. I am sure not knowing must be very stressful to deal with.

Sending you some big Welsh hugs xxx

Nothing to add except to agree with CD. Wait and see.. lots of hugs.

BR

Well....it's not as bad as it could be, but I'm not exactly jumping for joy, either.

Dh met with his boss this morning, and has been offered 3 choices - he can take an equivalent level job somewhere else, but at a smaller site which would be less difficult to manage. He can stay at the same site, take a demotion, but specialise in the area he really excels in (film promotion and liason with the "Welsh film industry" - yes, it does exist ), or he can go the disciplinary route and end up being forced to do one or the other, rather than have the choice. We've briefly discussed this over the phone, and are both in agreement that we don't want to move from the area (which would be necessary for choice 1), so choice 2 looks like the favourite. It's good to know that the company want to keep him, and are prepared to give him another chance in an area to which he is more suited. It's going to be hard for him, though, as he will be working with the same staff / colleagues with everyone knowing that he's been demoted. It's going to be hard for us all as a family, as it means a 10% drop in our income, which was just about meeting our expenses. I will be studying all those "how to save money" threads very closely.

As for my work, it all seems a bit less bleak today - I think that as long as we get on with the job in hand and keep our heads down, we should be OK.....for now.

So thanks to all for your support and good wishes. Things look much better in the cold light of day.

I'm glad things are sort of worked out emsie - and don't forget, there is nothing to stop you (or him) looking for other jobs whilst you are still in your current posts
Are you sure you are getting all the government monies you are entitled to - tax credits and so on, you may get more if his income has fallen

Well, the company sort of sound like they're looking after him, in a way. Better to be in job you're good at and enjoy for less money, I think. You can absorb a 10% cut. I did that when I went term-time and was already always permanently skint. Can't really say my life has changed too much. Good luck. The worst HASN'T happened

Emsiewill, all I can say is I think from your posts that you've got your head screwed on straight, and I think that you will be able to get through this. I wish you and your dh both the very best.

Take care

Glad the worst hasn't happened Emsiwill..

With a focued attitude you can manage 10% - honest!!

Best of luck in your job

Missed this yesterday emsiewill but I'm glad things are looking a bit better today. Hugs.

Emsiewill, well the news could have been worse. As tinker said, it looks like the company are sort of looking after him. Your dh will end up doing a job he enjoys more. Will the company set him realistic targets now? If they do that, then you can breathe a sigh of relief.

A drop in salary is a scary prospect if you've cut corners already. When are your next salary rises due? will they offset this reduction?

emsiewill, i'm glad the news is better than you feared. i'm sure you can manage the 10% - get those spreadsheets out! you never know, your dh could well be happier in his new role. i seem to remember you posting before about those pesky auditors (boo!) giving him grief. the new set-up will soon be old news for him and his colleagues. thank goodness he gave the team some of his bonus!

Thanks again for the good wishes.

Now, does anyone mind if I have a bit of a vent (some mught call it a whine - fell free to tell me if you think I'm whining)? Dh is home tonight, so we will be sitting down and discussing how to deal with the 10% cut (and when I say 10%, I don't mean 10% cut in his salary; it's actually a 16% salary cut, I mean he will have 10% less take home pay) - which unfortunately will not be covered by any pay rises - my company hasn't given one in 3 years, and his gives inflationary only.

Anyway, I fear that it will be me and the children that bear the brunt of our new economy drive. We will have to give up our cleaner (£84 per month), I may have to work full time. I will have to spend more time every week slaving over my spreadsheets, working out how to make ends meet, where to make cuts etc. Some "easy" ways to cut our spending will be for me to stop wearing contact lenses (£17.50 per month), stop going to Tai Chi (£16 per month), go back to dial up and stop using the internet so much (save about £10 per month). Get rid of the "superfluous" TV channels (save about £10 per month). Cut back on the girls' extra-curricular activities (currently around £70 per month). It was just the same when he was banned from driving for speeding. I now do all the running around etc. He has no major inconveniences because of it.

As I say, I want to vent on here now, as I don't really want to give him too hard a time (yet), as I know he feels bad about this, and feels like he's failed us all. But it just seems so bloody unfair.

Please, tell me that I'm a spoilt cow if you thin I am - I probably need to hear it.

hi emsiewill, have you already looked at your mortgage and household bills to make sure you are getting the best deal? what about food shopping? internet shopping can save you money as you can see the running total and take things out of your basket if you are over spending - also no browsing. also you could switch to a cheaper supermarket. you can get a flat rate internet deal from about £10 per month. have you got mobiles? do you really need them? have you already cut out takeaways and convenience food? agree with you about the superfluous tv channels! get rid of them! get rid of all pay tv! could you reduce rather than totally give up the cleaner?

you have probably thought of most of the above anyway, but just in case.

i would also let your dh come up with some suggestions - don't see why you should have to do it all, and anyway it will give him a "stake" in making it work out.

i don't blame you for being a bit fed up about this. you might feel better if you felt your and dh were working together on a solution. hope you have a good conversation about this tonight.

if it's any consolation, it's probably not forever, just for a while until you both find your feet again.

at least you are saving on motoring costs

emsiewill, I can see why you think this is unfair - most things on your list of cutbacks affect you and your children the most.

You say your dh is feeling like he's failed you right now. Perhaps, at the moment, he can't face admitting to you that spends any extra money on himself? He wants you to believe his personal spending is no drain on your joint financies, as this makes him feel less guilty about the work situation.

I would keep silent about your feelings for a while - but don't make any specific decisions on cut backs. Wait till your dh feels a bit better in himself. When he does, have another talk with him and suggest other cut backs that just by coincidence affect him as well. Don't spell it out for him - he should get the picture. Or wait till he talks about buying tickets for a football match/ going to the pub/ buying a cd - whatever extras he spends money on, then bring up one of his suggestions about economising (like cutting your dd's extracurricular activities) and talk about what is the most important thing to keep.

If you both decide to cut back on the cleaner, you could ask your dh what chores he intends to take over.

I feel I should clarify that the list of cutbacks is one that I came up with, and the reason that there's nothing on there that specifically affects him is because he doesn't really have anything that he spends money on regularly. I am the one who deals with all finances, and I know where every penny goes. I think he would be hard pressed to remember who we have our mortgage with - he's that clueless.

We haven't got any time to talk about cutbacks until Sunday evening at the earliest - so my feelings should have calmed down a bit by then, and my rational head taken over. We did have a brief conversation last night (he didn't get back until 10pm), and when I mentioned moving the look on his face was heartbreaking, he really is suffering, and I do feel bad for him. I did point out that his managers have really paid him back well for sharing his bonus with them - if they had been doing their jobs properly, then this may well not have happened. As I say, he was obviously feeling so bad that I didn't like to labour the point too much.

I think BK's suggestions are brilliant. Esp changing your mortgage. YOu can save hundreds of pounds a month just by doing that.