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can I trust her.......

12 replies

Zenda · 19/04/2004 20:03

My daughter and her best friend, both 8 years old, and I, were out walking when BF said "did you know my mummy goes funny every evening? she keeps falling asleep even when she's on the toilet and if I wake her up she tells me off. She fell asleep under the kitchen table once and slept there all night. Do you think she is ill?" BF then said she'd looked in a medical dictionary and wondered if her mum had sleeping sickness or cancer. I said I didn't know but it was a good idea to wake up her mum if she was worried. BF seemed happy with that answer. BFs mum is a dear friend of mine. She has a heroin dependency problem and is getting professional help. has been for several years. She may or may not be on a reduction programme. I don't question closely and don't expect her to tell me the whole truth.

I told her what her daughter had said as I knew she would want to know that. She said she would deal with it.

I am still worried. I don't know if I have done enough. I don't like lying to her daughter. What do I say if she asks me more questions. I feel worried about her evenings with her mother. I am not convinced BFs mum is coping. I strongly suspect she takes the drug still, despite any reduction programme. I only see her in the day when she is pretty together. I had no idea that she fell asleep like her daughter said every evening.I don't know what to believe now.

I am very worried our daughter will find out more than we want her to know about drugs at her age. If BF finds out she might pass this information on to our daughter. My brother took heavy drugs but it is in the past now. However we live in a small town and people remember. I don't want my daughter finding out too soon. She idolises her uncle and she is very fond of her BFs mum. I don't want her world to shatter.

Keeping our daughter apart from BF is not possible as they are in the same class at school.I don't want to involve social services because BFs mum is already seeking help for her problem. She holds down a responsible job. I don't want to ruin her life. I see her daughter every day and she is happy, well cared for and loved by her mum and dad. My partner thinks we can't do more for now and that we must trust BFs mum to sort it out with her daughter. I feel really cross with her for doing this. I know she won't take on board my worries. She feels she has things under control and thinks she conceals her problems from her daughter. I have talked to her before, but until now it wasn't such a worry as her daughter seemed blissfully unaware. Now both girls are getting older they are bound to be more curious and questioning. Should I trust BF's mum to sort this out?

OP posts:
champs · 19/04/2004 20:50

hi there, is it poss to have a chat with your friends dh/p?

maisystar · 19/04/2004 20:59

hi, not sure of the best way to handle this. the only thing i could think of was to ensure that your friends daughter has access to your phone no and knows she can ring you any time.

im currently doing a course in drug awareness, (have only just started so hence no advice as yet). i know quite a few people on the course have been through or are in rehab so if you want will ask if they have any thoughts?

Zenda · 19/04/2004 23:26

thanks maisystar, can you please do that? I just don't know if I am doing the right thing and need outsiders opinions.

OP posts:
maisystar · 19/04/2004 23:28

hi. am in college tomorrow so will ask and post back to you

essbee · 20/04/2004 00:04

Message withdrawn

gothicmama · 20/04/2004 00:10

Firstly do you think there is a safety issue involved - make sure Bf knows she can contact you any time. Perhaps you can broach subject with your daughter re her uncle before she find s out from else where and you can reassure her he is ok that way there is no shame / stigma attached and it does not become a bigger issue than it is as it appears to be all in the past and if you are open about it no one can use it to cause harm. Perhaps you can ask your friend more questions and encourage her to seek help/ support

maisystar · 20/04/2004 23:34

hi zenda, hope your ok.

how will your bf react if you try to talk to her about this? maybe the program shes on is not the right one for her?

i hate to say it because she obivously loves and wants the best for her dd but...she hasnt got things under control and isnt concealing her problems from her dd.

i can definately understand you not wanting to contact social services but if your bf dd says something similar to what she has said to you to a teacher at school alarm bells are going to ring and the school will contact social services.

could you maybe go round to her house in the evening and see how she is? if she is taking drugs every night im sure you will notice a change in her bahaviour if she cant take them cos you are there.

hope some of this helps, let me know how you get on maisystar xxx

maisystar · 21/04/2004 00:27

the bit thats missing says if your bf dd says something similar to teachers at school then they will contact social sevices. good luck

maisystar · 21/04/2004 00:28

oh god now missing bit has reappeared! bl*dy computers!!

zenda · 21/04/2004 00:54

hi maisystar. I think I do need another talk with my friend. I want to know if she has spoken to her daughter. I want to make sure her daughter is happy with the answers. That's for her sake but also for my own daughter's sake as I dread this little girl talking abuut her ill mum's symptons and who knows what else, with her. I feel I can tackle BF's mum about her daughter, but I am cynical when it comes to her telling me the whole truth about her counselling progress or whether she takes lots of drugs in the evening. This is because I witnessed my own brother in denial, telling lies and making promises he couldn't keep. I have enough second hand experience of this to know that BF's mum still takes small amounts of herion during the day. I can hear it in her voice and see it in her mannerisms sometimes. I just don't know what goes on in the evening. I have tried to get BF's mum to come out with me for an evening but she always makes excuses and we don't live near enough for me to be able to pop in unexpectedly when I am passing through.

I am really afraid for her. I agree with you,I feel that if her daughter said at school what she said to me, somone would alert social services. I feel its like an accident waiting to happen and I just want to stop it and protect my daughter.

OP posts:
maisystar · 25/04/2004 18:41

hi zenda, just wondered how you were doing?

zenda · 28/04/2004 15:24

thanx for asking after me maisystar. I thought it would be easy to speak to my friend but I just can't. When I see her school in the mornings, we are all in a rush and it's not the right time or place to ask. On the surface she seems so capable. She helped me a lot when our daughters were babies. So far my daughter hasn't said anything suspicious about her BF. I will talk to my friend but need to invite her over here and pick the moment, but as I said I am not sure she will tell me the truth anyway. I am also going to make sure her daughter knows to phone us if she is ever worried. She already has our number.

I am really cross underneath with BF's mum though. I bet it hasn't even occurred to her I could be worried for my own daughter. She hasn't come back to reassure me she has sorted it out with her daughter and would probably think I am prying if I ask her what happened. I know she has lost friends in the past over this and feel she is living in a bubble. She has convinced herself that no one knows or cares when in fact some people do.

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