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Original poster

Is this really naughty?

13 replies

neetsmassi · 19/04/2004 11:44

My DD (4) is 6 months younger tahn her cousin.

The last three times we have seen the cousin she has scratched DD. My SIL only says I can't believe she did that she has never done that before.

My DH is oblivious to it as it's has family and I am furious

My SIL and BIL never have a good word to say about DD and in fact will have a sly dig (Isn't she big for her age? She's very ballsy isn't she)whenever they can. If I ever say anything they jump down my throat say well yourDDis this and your DD is that. Usually I don't say anything as I don't want to fall out with family.

I now feel that the cousin thinks that she can get away with hitting/scratching DD as no one ever says anything to her ( the most my SIl will say if her DD is being naughty is "right you two girls you had better both behave"

Anyway I have decided that I am going to speak to my SIL before we see them at the weekend and ask her to speak to her DD as my DD has been upset and has asked me "why is it ok for X to scratch and hit me but I can't hit her back, even though she is bigger than me?" (We have taught DD she must never ever hit somebody who is younger than her but if someone same age or older snatches a toyfirst she can snatch it back but she must never snatch first)

My DD hasn't said this but I feel completely unsupported by my DH in this situation and I can't think of another way to deal with this ( I hate confrontation)

What do you all think oh wise mumsnetters - should I do this or is it too naughty?

OP posts:
coppertop · 19/04/2004 11:53

If your dh won't speak to the SIL then it makes sense for you to do it instead. Is there any way to avoid having to visit her so often?

lydialemon · 19/04/2004 11:57

If your SIL thinks its OK to tell both girls off - can you not tell her DD off yourself? Or would that cause too many problems?

Maybe next time she does it, you tell her off mildly ie 'thats not a very nice thing to do', and then remove your DD, saying 'if X is going to be mean then we'll go and do this instead without her'

4.5 is more than old enough to know not to hurt other people, IMO your SIL is out of order not sorting this out herself. I'd be mortified if my 3 year old DS did this.

Original poster
neetsmassi · 19/04/2004 12:02

Thanks lydialmon and coppertop. If I tell her DD off she would be right in there saying it's not her fault - your DD did x - in front of the children - my personal rule is that you do not undermine another adult in front of children - but I may have to revise my opinion on this.

We see them quite alot as SIL is quite good at inviting herself over - I would never put her off as I would be furious if DH tried to put one of my sister's off from visiting us.

Should I tell this lie?

OP posts:
Trifle · 19/04/2004 12:03

No, I wouldnt speak to your SIL beforehand as I imagine it would put their backs up and put them in the wrong frame of mind before you even meet. Even if you did speak to your SIL there is no guarantee that she will tell her dd to behave so you'll be no better off. I would be more inclined to watch them as much as possible and not let them disappear off upstairs to play etc. If possible, once the girls are together, I would say to both of them that they play nicely, no pushing, snatching toys away etc etc so that your dd can see you addressing the issue with the other child and it wont appear to others that you are directing your comments at only one of them. I presume you have met on occations before when there have been no problems so hopefully a few ground rules about what is acceptable might put an end to it.

mieow · 19/04/2004 12:05

MY DD is 3.10 and stratches her cousin who is 4 months older than her and her siblings. I am very upset when she does this and have had to get social services involoved and the child mental health team are also going to see her. Luckily for us, my sister is very understand with DD1's special needs, but it does really upset my niece.....

Original poster
neetsmassi · 19/04/2004 12:18

Oh mieow didn't mean to make you feel bad but you do acknowledge the situation - in my case only I seem to think it's a problem

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Original poster
neetsmassi · 19/04/2004 14:13

Does anybody else have any opinions?

OP posts:
amess · 19/04/2004 14:31

I second what Lydialemom has said, speak up for your DD saying something similiar or along the lines of "... I know DD you always have to get scratched by cousin and I know you've really had enough of it, let's you and I do such and such..." or "...here we go again, your cousin must find it hard to make friends nice children don't scratch..." get the gist? sorry not totally clear but good luck and act quickly and speak clearly turning it onto the cousin and nothing your DD has done wrong or deserves!!! (Been there worn the t-shirt out until my dd refused to go back which was embarrasing and the parents still never got the message!! But what can you do!

Original poster
neetsmassi · 19/04/2004 14:34

Thanks amess - I like the idea of not making it DD's fault - I am a bit of a wuss so usually just say never mind but I feel that undermine's DD's worth - also she loves her cousin and does like playing with her but I don't see that it has to be a ta price (ie a scratch)

OP posts:
aloha · 19/04/2004 14:42

I'd keep a close eye and be very quick to say, "No scratching!" if I saw it happening. Would also encourage my child to speak up to the other child and say 'Don't scratch me', which might embarrass your SIL. But keep it fairly low key. If your dd loves her cousin then she clearly isn't being traumatised by this and making into a big deal might be worse for her. I would definitely tell my ds off if he was deliberately hurting other children and he's only two and a half.

SoupDragon · 19/04/2004 14:43

I agree with Lydia Lemon when she suggests saying "thats not a very nice thing to do". I used this when DSs friends scratched or bit along with "if you do things like that, no one will want to play with you". It's not telling off as such, just pointing out a few facts.

SoupDragon · 19/04/2004 14:44

I also taught DS1 to say things like "Don't bite me" or "I won't be your friend anymore".

Original poster
neetsmassi · 19/04/2004 14:47

Thanks aloha - only problem as they are older they now tend to play in the other room or upstairs so I can't keep an eye on them.

I am trying to be calmer about this - just "talking" to you all makes me feel better. I think I feel worse than my DD about it but I have noticed that she tends to just give up things to snatchy/hitty children - don't know how to teach her to stand up for herself without turning her in to a thug

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