Am I being oversensitive? opinions please..

[StripyMouse]

I think I have inadvertently made a difficult family situation worse. AAAAGH.
My cousin is still a teenager (17) but is working and has moved in with his boss - a single parent in her 30s. She is now pregnant and they are very happy and talking about getting married. A lot of the family have been up in arms, thinking that it is a "disaster" and that she is taking advantage of him, he is too young and doesn?t know what he is doing etc. etc. I felt quite sorry for them both getting so much agro at a stressful time anyway. I have never met her and only see him about once a year.
To try and show them that, while I don?t think it is the best thing they could do so early on in a relationship, I still think they could do with a bit of positive thinking and fmaily support, I sent them a card with my best wishes and carefully worded to say that I was happy they were so happy with their exciting news. I also incl. a book of pregnancy and baby vouchers as I thought they might be able to use them and were no good for me. Here is where the problem lies...Rather than being seen as a friendly jesture, after a phone call from his dad, it seems that I have really offended them by practically offering them "charity" and implying that they don?t have the cash to bring up a baby...He worded it carefully so as not to accuse me of anything outright, but I knew exactly what he was saying to me.
I made the mistake of talking to my mum and sister about it as I wanted another opinion about whether my vouchers were insensitive - unfortunately this ahs made it worse. They are now angry at my uncle and cousin ( lot of history there anyway) and are vowing to ahve nothing to do with the baby either...It is just getting silly.
If you got given some vouchers like that from a relative with young children, would you find it a bit odd or patronising? Have I been insensitive? I know I shouldn?t have told my mum and sister, but was genuinely amazed at their reaction as I was only mildly surprised and peed off - they are livid. I am even starting to wonder whether I read too much into the phone call and that they might not even be that peed off with me and could be just my uncle being a bit proud and defensive. Why is family life so messy at times?
Sorry for the long post - just fed up of it all.

I don't think it was insensitive or patronising, no. Brain too fuzzy with lack of sleep to string a proper reply together but basically I think families are impossible - dh's are, mine are, loads of other people I know seem to have similar problems and I think at 33 weeks pregnant my tolerance levels have dropped off the scale so lots of sympathy and equally fed-up-ness from here.

I don't think that you have been insensitive at all. It is probably your cousin and uncle being over sensitive, in light of all the disapproval from the rest of the family, so instead of seeing a generous gesture, they saw an implied criticism. ie. that they could not afford to bring up the baby. Does this make sense to you? Anyway, most family relationships are messy at one time or another, I guess thats life.

thanks skara. I know what you mean about tolerance levels dropping off during pregnancy. Problem is mine have never returned

Shame on them all for turning such a lovely gesture into ammunition for another row. I wouldn't find it patronising at all if someone had given me a similar gift.

I guess you are zaphod - I hadn?t thought that they might be feeling really extra sensitive right now. I wish I had not said anything to the rest of my family now. I know I can just swallow it and forget it, send them something nice when the baby is born etc. but I have a horrible feeling my mum is not going to let this one drop easily. I think i will go over and talk to her this afternoon. Thanks for your comments zaphod.

no neither have mine - hence stopping at no3 If I went any further I'd turn into an axe wielding fiend I think...

Families!

No you weren't insensitive - just generous. You just can't win some situations.

stripey, I would be happy if someone sent me some money off vouchers for anything! What a touching gesture. I would see the card as evidence of some family support, just as you indended it to be.

When people announce a baby is on the way, it is so usual for others people to offer to lend stuff, give second hand baby equipment they no longer need and buy presents. Just the same as you giving vouchers you can't use. Not patronising at all.

I think there was a row waiting in the wings and your innocent gesture set in in motion. If it hadn't been that it would have been something else.

If you feel brave, nip things in the bud now before more insults are thrown from one family member to another. Phone up the couple to wish them well and apologise if there has been a misunderstanding. Could it be that they were not offended by the vouchers, but somehow lines have got crossed? If they really were offended, perhaps they aren't thinking straight as the situation is so heated and they sense lots of family disapproval. Could you set things right?

I think you've been lovely, thoughtful and kind!!

Could it be that you have turned into the scapegoat,(sp),for everyones feelings about the situation as i don't see you've done anything wrong!

I would have been pleased and touched by the gesture particularly as you say other family members have not been so supportive. As others have said - it seemed a row was going to occur and people have just seized your gesture for their own ends.

I would leave it for now and then as you say when the child is born - send a gift and your best wishes.

When I was pregnant, a friend of my mother's sent me £25 in Boots tokens. It was incredibly nice of her. And it was incredibly nice of you. I think you have acted generously, and I'm really sorry everyone has taken it badly. Hugs.

stripy, FWIW, I think it was a lovely gesture. They're being the sensitive ones. Perhaps their arrangement (ie not especially common) is making them feel that. I would congratulate yourself for being so thoughtful and then wait for them to realise how daft they've been. Big hugs to you.

really nice idea, and very supporive of you. It,s hard when your thoughtfullness is thrown back in your face though. Maybe in time they will appreciate you thinking of them - hope so anyway. As for families - they are all a nightmare!!!!!!!!

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Same here, Stripy, I think what you did was kind and thoughtful and I bet their reaction has been misrepresented to you by people looking for a scrap. You still did the right thing and they ought to be glad of the support.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to post on this rather trivial topic. I was genuinely worried that sending vouchers had been a weird thing to do and all your kind words has made me feel a lot better about it.
I spoke to my mum and persuaded her to leave it alone and not phone my uncle up about it - a big relief as it would only make it worse. If I knew my cousin a bit better I would consider phoning him, but have never ever phoned him before and rarely talk to him. Being a fair bit older and from a different background, opposite ends of the country etc. it has always been a bit strained and awkward - was hoping that by him becoming a father we would have something in common and become closer...Never mind.

My mum comes from a traditional working class northern background and "married well" as my gran would say. My uncle has always resented her moving south, not having to work and having a relatively well off life style. I think he has always been a bit jealous and difficult with her. Problem is, my dad doesn?t have a lot of family and the few relationships left are strained too. My DH?s family is just as disfunctional - rarely get Christmas or Birthday cards, don?t see or hear from them from one year to the next etc. I just want my children to have a larger extended family of people who they know and love and who love them. I know they have us and my mum and dad and sister but I just wish...Ho hum,
I think I will leave it as long as there is no further developments, keep my head down and maybe renew contact when the baby is born, they may be more excited and happier about it all then. Families - why do they have to be so complicated, overly sensitive and such emotional hard work?!!

Stripey...Also, are you sure that it is your cousin and dp who were offended, rather than your uncle putting his own agenda into it? It sounds like a family situation where these people would use ANYTHING as tinder, so I wouldn't take it personally. It was both kind and supportive of you, and may just have shown up the rather less than generous attitudes of other family members! Have no other conversations about it unless with your cousin himself!

Agree with Blu. Send another card/gift when the the baby arrives. FWIW I think his family are being incrediby stupid. An ex-boyfriend's brother went off with an 'older woman' when he was about that age - she had a child too. The family went ballistic, told him he had to choose between them etc and as a result they never saw their son again - he didn't even come to his father's funeral. My then-boyfriend had lost his only sibling and I thought it was so sad.

aloha, blu you are both right. When the news first came out that she was pregnant, the first thing I said to my gran when she phoned me to tell me how "horrified she was and couldn?t sleep because of the shame of it all etc. etc." I told her exactly what you siad aloha - if you push them and push them you run the risk of breaking up families and then there are no winners. Just wish they would all listen and stop being so short sighted. After all, it is the next generation that will be missing out from not having a strong family network around them.
You could be right about it being more my uncle than them, but they haven?t contacted me to say they got the card so I have no ideawhat they think really. Wouldn?t be surprised if he has stirred them up into taking it the wrong way anyway. I will leave it alone and wait till she is born this summer. Thanks again.