How do you suggest that another mum speaks to her child about ......(long)

[PferPferPumpkinEater]

respecting others and not pushing and shoving them all of the time?

Right, DS started at his schools nursery at Easter and since sept has been there full time, all of this time just about every week he's been complaining to me about another boy - who's supposed to be his friend - being too rough, pushing him over, hitting him etc. I've been asking him if it happens when they are playing or is it out of nowhere..usually when playing so my guess is just that the other boy is simply a bit more boisterous than DS rather than being a bully and I still think that.
Yesterday when I picked DS up from school he looked well hacked off, then another mum came over to me and said "DS has bitten so-and-so". I was gobsmacked. Totally not like DS. Anyway went over and the boy said it again in front of me and his mum said Mr Teacher had said that 'another child had nipped him'. OK, so DS nagged the boy. Me? Horrified and so damned upset.
I then did what every bad mother does, took someone elses word for it, didn't even think that there may be two sides to the story, and I'm ashamed to say I really had a go at DS, telling him I was ashamed of him, how disgusted I was etc etc. DS was hysterical by the time we got home 5 mins later, then he said "Mummy it wasn't my fault" and ran off sobbing.
Then I sat and thought what I should've thought before - ask the school what happened.
Anyway spoke to DS's teacher who said basically that he'd not mentioned it to me as the 'bite' wasn't actually a bite, there was no mark, no reddenning and no-one saw it happen though DS confessed to it when the boy said he did it. Also that it appears that the other boy was trying to drag DS about by the back of his coat and DS lashed out to get him off. Now that does fit DS. He hates being 'messed with' as he puts it. They were both spoken to and that was then end of it.
I sat down with DS had a cuddle and finally asked him what happened. He said the other boy kept pulling him about by his coat and wouldn't let go, that he couldn't make him let go so he'd tried to bite his hand. DS then got the usual speech about not hurting people, if someones bothering you then tell a teacher etc etc. Fine, he understands. Thing is all the schoolgate mums were staring at us as we left yesterday like we were lepers, scowling at DS and it wasn't nice. I don't want all of these people judging DS without knowing what happened and I know that the other boys mum doesn't know what happened before the incident and I feel that I must tell her in defense of DS.
It's just that I'm a 'voilence is not the answer' kind of mum, whereas she openly states that she tells her boy to hit back or hit first, and boys will be boys you expect fighting.

So how can I politely say 'I've spoken to DS about what happened and he understands his reaction to So-and-so was wrong, could you speak to so-and-so and ask him to stop hurting DS" without making the schoolgate wait a nightmare?

(DS now says he wants hot school lunches with vegetables to make him big and strong because "mummy, I'm not big and strong enough for all the pushing and hitting"

I wouldn't speak to the mother direct. I would see the teacher and ask that he speaks to the mother. That way it's an unbiased report that the other mother gets, which she may not think is the truth if she only hears it from you.

agree with WWB - but yay that he wants to eat veggies

Ok, I need to speak to teach anyway, so think I'll see what he says about it.
But Yay to the veggies I agree, just sad that the only reason he'll eat them is because he thinks he'll then be bigger and people won't push him about. I wish he'd eat them because they're good for him or nice even!

Aww the wee soul. I'm having the same problem with ds whose so called 'friend' plays at monsters at playtime (just started reception) and ds loves it excpet when 'c is hitting him'. I've told him to say he doesn't want to play with c when he's being horrid and hitting but will play with him if he's being nice. Then to tell the teacher if he hits him or pushes him again. I have made the teacher aware as the wee soul has bruises and scrapes all over him and she's had the chats and is now keeping a close eye on things.
I'd probably speak to the other mother in front of the teacher and let them know what you've said to ds. Preferably within earshot of the other mums so they know too and don't ostratcise you both. Good luck and hope ds has abetter time from now on.

Thanks Cal, I've said to DS that if so-and-so isn't playing nicely or is doing something that ds doesn't like then to play with someone else for a while, and to make sure he tells him why he's not playing with him anymore.

Ok, so I walked into school today, up to Mr Teach in front of a number of mums (inc. one particularly gossipy one) and said out loud "thank you very much for your time on Friday, I really appreciate it, and after speaking to DS about the 'incident' it appears clear that he was acting in self defence as so-and-so was dragging him around by the back of his coat and wouldn't let go no matter what he did". It was heard and taken in. I heard a few mums talking about it a pick-up time as well. Gossipy old baggages!!

Anyway, DS has had a much better day today thank goodness, and yesterday, at lunch time, he ate his carrots - Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy