eloquent and wise (and soothing, perhaps inspirational even) advice needed please...

[nappiesLaGore]

my little sister (whos 24) has just told me that her deepest fear is that she will only ever fall in love with people who dont love her back (as has happened twice to my knowledge)

this, she thinks, is because one of her best friends when she was at school was a lovely young man who was in love with her but she 'gave him the runaround for years' and then, when they were 19, he killed himself (no note or explanation. he was v unhappy but it shocked everyone)

and all i can think to say is: 'oh sister...' which isnt really very inspired or even interesting really. anyone got anything a bit more helpful i could say? dont need in depth, just a wee pearl of wisdom, perhaps?

well, she has expressed her fear...which is good...need to ensure she doesn;t get into one of those self fulfilling prohecy type situations

eg going for attached men - who can't commit

i think it is also guilt at the suicide of her friend - she feels she doesn't deserve to be loved because she didn;t love him..

but you can't love someone just because they want you to...

as there was no note - no reason for her to think it wasn't her fault or partly her fault - in reality - was probably a million other things...

poor girl - she needs to move past this tragedy , perhaps with some counselling....until she feels less guilty. she won't allow herself to love and be loved as she deserves -

sounds like she is punishing herself for letting him down... she's a young girl with her whole life ahead of her, and it would be terrible if she didn;t enjoy fulfilling relationships because of her guilt...does any of that make sense??

Must have been dreadful for her.

Similar happened to my SIL (before dh and I met), but she moved to Australia - married and had two children.

Fairly drastic solution.

thanks lulu. yes. is a complicated thing; guilt/grief. wise things you say, thanks.

thanks nappies -

guilt is so destructive - and can really eat away at you

for want of a better word, she needs 'closure' - which she cannot get from her friend , so needs to look elsewhere, which is where some professional help could really assist her...

tell her she can miss him and mourn him and grieve for him, but she has no need to blame herself and punish herself, she doesn't have to forget him, but his memory cannot take over her life...

well, re. guilt about his death, its his parents we all feel for. he begged them not to insist he went back to university the week before, but they wouldnt listen (he was unhappy and without good friends there), thinking hed be fine in the end. then he went back and threw himself off a building the next week! how on earth they cope with that, i'll (hopefully) never know!

i don;'t think any off us would knowingly send our children away if we beleived them to be suicidal

young men have a really hard time opening up and expressing anything to do with depression etc... so they probably did not know how low he really was...

terrible tragedy for all

yes lulu. easier said then done tho, facing demons.

mind you, she is on anti-d's at the mo (fairly recent development), so maybe shes in an 'im up for healing myself' frame of mind.

sounds like she is open to 'healing' - hope she finds peace with herself......it's great she has a sister who is obviously so compasssionate and is doing everything to help

and oh no, im certain they had no idea how low he was, but i doubt that makes them feel much better...

If he did care for her then he wouldn't want her making herself unhappy. He gave his life away, but she still has hers and it would be a wonderful tribute to him if she lived hers to the full, making the most of every opportunity and leaving herself open to love.

Perhaps it would heal her if she did something good in his memory? Like make a donation to Samaritans or help out for a charity?

that's a great idea rhubarb - a more positive way to channel her feelings about him...

nice one rhubarb. what a lovely idea

I guess my pearl of wisdom is drawing upon the quote from desiderata...."the world is unfolding as it should", its got me through many a worrying time.

Lovely as he was he wasn't the path she is meant to take, he was merely a traveller she was meant to meet along the way (and learn from).

If you don't have rain, you can't have a rainbow. She is building her own experiences which will shape her and make her strong and help her recognise the things she wants for herself (and what she doesn't).

Her self esteem and confidence have maybe taken a knock and building this will be important.

thanks you lot

have just sent a nice supportive positive letter back. thanks again.

Oh, good lord, Nappies - the poor girl.

I remember her, doing fantastic acrobatic feats on your family sofa!

The guilt thing that lunaticmama was the first thing that sprang to my mind - and it's always lack of self-love and self-esteem that makes people think they don't deserve to have anyone fall in love with them. Actually, I think having a loving caring big sister will make the world of difference.

Tell her that the fact that she has a lingering care for what happened to her friend, shows that she does have the human worth that deserves someone equally sensitive and with equal compassion and integrity. They may not be the ones running round yelling 'shag me shag me' but once found, they will see her true value, and love her with the respect she deserves.

Love which is worth it's weight in gold doesn't come quickly, or often, ime.