Can't stop thinking about last night. I hit ds and hate myself.

[Megglevampire]

I was going to change my name but really can't be bothered.

I'm pregnant, knackered and sick. I was shattered yesterday whilst getting ds ready for bed he started to hit me really hard and kick me in the tummy, unusually, nothing I said or did made any difference whatsoever and I told him every time he smacked mummy I would do it back harder which I did. In the end I smacked him 4 or 5 times and he started to cry and I felt just ghastly.

A few moments later I was dressing him and both of his arms were red. I burst into tears and told him how sorry I was. He went to bed happy after a story and a cuddle like most nights.

I trotted off downstairs where I spent most of the evening in tears and felt like a witch of a mother. My parents used to smck me regularly and I remember how miserable it made me feel.

I feel like such a child abuser and right now and really don't deserve to have such a lovely little boy

Oh, I know how you feel! I am 30 weeks pg and 2 nights ago my little ds was being really naughty about cleaning his toys and getting to bed. I smacked him on the leg and then felt so horrible.

I cuddled him and said I was sorry and by bedtime things were okay, but I felt like the same awful mother as you did.

FWIW, your ds did learn the consequences of hitting someone. I tell my ds, When you hit someone, be prepared to get hit back because that is usually what happens. Plus, kicking you in the tummy is a terrible thing to do, especially when you are pg. So, go easy on yourself, both of you had a bad night and he will probably think twice before hitting mommy again, which is not a bad thing, after all.

firstly, don't hate yourself - you won;t be the first or the last parent to lose it and do something they swore they would never do.

secondly, the fact you are upset about it and feel awful means you are unlikely to go down that road again .

he went to bed happy , aware mummy loves him, with a cuddle.

please don't make yourself feel worse....

Oh bloody hell...now I'm bawling.
Thanks for that though.

I think so many of us have done this once and i know how awful you feel afterwards. It doesn't mean you are going to smack regularly like your parents did. I done it once and vowed to remember how utterly awful i felt. I never want to feel like that again. Your ds knows how much he is loved.

Take care

Been there, done that a few times. Not usually hitting but shouting. It's horrible and I hate myself too when I do it. But you felt bad and you apologised. When DS loses it next time he will remember that when you did it you said sorry afterwards and meant it. DH lost his temper with DS#1 and made him cry - and he won't apologise as he thinks it's not his place to say sorry!! Tw*t!

oh yes, been there done that, cried the tears, etc. Not proud of it, but you know, I try and learn from my mistakes.

You are only human Meggle, and you're pregnant give yourself a break love.

You did the right thing apologising to him - that will have made a lot of difference.

I smacked Ds a couple of times against what I ever planned, and in circumstances where I knew it was more to do with my short fuse than anything else.

It feels horrible, but you cuddles him, apologised - and sometimes children do learn that Mummies have emotions that erupt too...we are not immune.

Don't beat yourself up too much - guilt won't help - spend the energy practicing in your mind a few things to hold yourself in check next time you feel yourself provoked.

You love him and he loves you - it will be allright.

I did exactly the same on Sunday at 6am - am exhausted and pregnant. DS1 was being foul.
I smacked him on the arm and then ran out of the room crying.
About a minute later in found me and gave me the biggest cuddle and kiss - which made me feel worse

Try not to beat yourself up about it. This parenting thing is bloody difficult at times - most of the time I would say

Thank you so much for your support. I really do feel like it's a weight off my shoulders.

Megg, you are not your parents. Your son is not you when you were little.

I had to learn this when my children were little. I too was regularly hit as a child and could not bear to think my children might be feeling the way I had.

But your whole ethos is different to that of your parents. Your DS is not going to feel the same as you did.

Megglevampire, please don't be too hard on yourself!!!
I have done that too and I am sure a lot of us have done it too but it is the first time that I have seen on MN so many mums actually acknowledging it.
You are pregnant, tired and probably very hormonal too. The fact that your son was still happy when he went to bed is showing that it was a one of incident and that you are a loving mum giving him all the murturing that he needs.
You are not a child abuser, nor a bad mum.
Try to keep some time for yourself. It might sound silly but doing some craft activity (card making?) not matter how crap I am at it did help me a lot to relax and be more measured in my reactions.

I know how you feel. I have managed not to smack although I have been tempted but sometimes I just lose my rag and shout at dd and feel awful after!

It is trying sometimes and you shouldn't be hard on yourself about it. Being pregnant must really make it twice as bad!