DD wetting herself - is it the new baby ? Help needed

[Tillysmummy]

I have heard a few times that it's common for a child to regress on their toilet training when a new baby arrives. DD is just over 2.5 and has been trained for about 4 months. She was completely dry during day but stil had nappies at night. Since ds was born 5 weeks ago going to the loo has become a real battle. She has accidents most days and sometimes 4 or 5 in a day. She seems to start going in her pants so she hasn't completely wet herself but has done enough to need new pants and sometimes new trousers. However the last week this has turned into her completely wetting herself on several occasions. The first few weeks we treated it very lightly and said what a shame but not much more and we didn't make too much of it. But it hasn't got any better and to be honest it's so frustrating. She is very able with her language and communication skills and so I know that she understands. When dh or I question her as to why she has done it she says 'I don't know' and sometimes ' well I was playing'. We have explained that she has to stop and go but she doesn't seem to listen. Meanwhile she tells people on the phone that we are upset with her for not going to the loo. Is she just doing it to wind us up ? We tried ignoring it to see if that helped (if it was an attention thing) but no improvement. We have also tried punishing her and taking away her treats and her beloved bunny. The bunny seems to work temporarily and she does her next on in the loo to get him back but then she seems to regress again. She frequently says ' but it doesn't really matter'.
We are not sure where to go from here. Should we tow a harder line or not ? Has anyone got any advice. It's so frustrating that dh has resorted to putting her on the loo under force. We ask her and ask her and she says but I don't need to go and we say just try and she refuses but when she is picked up with much protest i hasten to add and plonked on the loo (practically pinned down) she goes. Help !!!!
If it is a reaction to ds arrival how long do we have to be patient for Also I think that it's probably not because she's been fab about him and is so sweet with him plus never alerts us to it we only normally discover she has slightly wet herself when we force the issue so it's not like she's doing it and saying 'look what i've done' to get attention.
Advice on how to best handle this delicate situation much appreciated.

oh forgot to add that we have tried suggesting using a star chart to go somewhere she really wants to but that doesn't seem to work although we haven't actually done it - maybe we should ?

Well, you could ask her if she would feel happier in a nappy (or a pull-up) again for a while (not in an accusing way, just that she might be more comfortable?). If she says no then just keep on being patient with her - it will settle down and there's no point in getting mad at her, however annoying it is, the wetting isn't even a conscious thing - not sure if it's subconscious or unconscious but one of those.

(If she's anything like my dd1 she will stop doing it after a while, but start again at intervals as ds does new things and gets extra attention - IIRC it happened on and off through dd2 smiling, sitting up, crawling etc. She did stop altogether eventually!)

Tillysmummy, my dd1 wasn't trained when her sister was born (the shame - she was the same age as your dd1!) so that wasn't an issue, but some other things were. DD1 was completely, touchingly, besotted with the baby but her own sleep went completely bananas (this is a child who slept brilliantly), she demanded a dummy, she kept insisting she was a baby too...so I think that even when they are completely thrilled about the baby, resentment has to go somewhere.

In the meantime, I'd do as Janh suggests. Life's too short and you have too many other dmemands on you!

HI ladies that is true. It's just such a pain with the extra washing etc. I suppose we just have to go with it and be patient with her. It just seems so frustrating when she has done so well and I don't want to have to train her all over again ?

I don't think you will have to train her all over again, Tillysmummy - I think she will just stop doing it (for now!).

I do sympathise about all the extra washing and changing and everything though. PITA.

And definitely offer a pullup. She probably needs to feel babied!

FWIW dd1 STILL insists she's not big, she's little it's just that the baby's even littler. But then, she's a drama queen like her mum

Sorry if that last post sounded all 'think about your poor little girl', it wasn't meant to, I just thought it might be a useful tack and get you out of more **ing washing.