Mothers instinct or paranoid parent?

[NewGround]

Name Change Alert

Over the last few months I have become friends with a man. Hes is single and has no children. Although we have seen each other socially over this time, it is only recently that he has joined us on family days out and has been around my 3 children. They are all under 5.

I havent been in the situation of having a man around my children before for a long time and I am not sure how I am handling it. I think this man would like to perhaps become closer to me although our relationship is plantonic and in my mind there is no chance of things moving forward. I have explained this to him and as far as I know he accepts and understands this.

He is very friendly with the children, he hangs them upside down, plays football and brings treats such as sweets and comics. He will initiate trips to the fair and the park and likes to be involved in their care when he is around, cooking their lunch or strapping them into their car seats for example.

I know that I am almost definatly being overly cautious and protective of my children but there are a few little things that are concerning me. I am not concerned enough to really draw any conclusions but to my mind the fact that I am typing them on here speaks volumes.

He is keen on photography and likes to take pictures of various things, recently he bought his camera along when we went out and took some photos of the children. They were innocent pictures of them on the fair ground rides, some of which I took myself. But when we got home I made sure I downloaded them off his camera onto my computer and then deleted his copies from his memory card. I have emailed him a couple of pictures that ive selected.

He plays tickling games and 'hanging upside down' games with them which they all enjoy and jump all over him. It makes me feel uncomfortable although I am in the room and have no just cause to be. I ask them to 'play nicely' or encourage them to read a book etc

One time, my eldest child was naked in our house when he came over. Normally, I wouldnt bother to get him dressed, as he wasnt going out so had no reason to be, but on this occassion I immeditaly went and found him underwear and a t-shirt.

I feel I am occassionally undermined, I will say not to do something and in reply will get 'Oh go on, lets ask Mummy again' etc. They have been given sweets which ive said not to give them, I have not heard any suggestions that the sweeties should be kept a secret.

I know that logically he is making such an effort with them to get on my good side, to win me over and to become friends with them, but on the other hand I cant help thinking (without just cause) that it is overly friendly, too much effort and what if there is something more sinister behind his attention to them. I know he is lonely and craves friendship which could be another reason behind his 'helpfullness'

It is all 'what ifs' running through my mind. You hear so many stories of people abused by family friends for years without anyone being any the wiser. I have never left the children alone in a room with him and I am worried that he is starting to notice and will maybe feel uncomfortable with my behaviour.

Does anyone have anything to say on this?

I'd say if there's "something" making you feel uncomfortable about this man, then maybe you have a point.

Have you felt like this about anyone else?

He could just be a nice chap, making an effort. Bloody hard.

a mothers instinct knows best. if you don't feel comfortable with him then don't allow him around your kids. i'd be a bit sucpicious too from what you've decribed and lets face it, these days your better safe than sorry

I feel that from what you are describing, there seems nothing untoward but you should go with your instincts for the sake of the kids. keep supeervsing at least.

For now, keep supervising. But if you're having thoughts like this about him, how fond are you of him?

I do think you are being over cautious and a bit paranoid BUT I can understand why. With all the terrible stories in the news who would want to take that kind of risk with their children.

Maybe you should trust your instincts, but not because he might be grooming your children, but because these doubts show that you don't feel ready to have such an intimate (as in family) relationship with him. Perhaps you could cool the friendship slightly, or see him without the children? FWIW the undermining part is out of order, even if he was their Dad! He should realise that doing that is not showing you sufficient respect as their Mother.

I have never had these feelings with any other men around the children but this may be because I have never been in a situation where someone has made som much effort with them iyswim. I do have another male friend who I would trust with my life and theirs and wouldnt think twice about leaving them with him for long periods of time, but I have known him alot longer and the children also know him very well. He has his own children too which maybe shouldnt make a difference but it does.

He makes just as much effort with me as he does with the children. He is attentive to the point of being irritating, I do not sit without a drink for more than a few minutes before it is topped up etc.

I am just not 100% sure and it is a difficult situation to be in because his is very possibly just a friendly man who likes children and is making much more of an effort because he sees it as the way to my heart. Or he could be a pervert who wants to intergrate himself into my life and abuse my children. The risks of this im sure are very low but I cant afford to take that risk. Although going by that logic I am going to end up very lonely!

Bump

I do know that this is the way some paedophiles work - by befriending single mums to get access to their kids (and obviously networks of children).

However, you can't tarnish all men with the same brush - I would say that if you are suspicious, then I would trust your instincts.

Have you met any of his friends or family?

or even 'tar' all men with the same brush

New Ground, I think if you have these feelings now, you will always have them, and will always be thinking 'what if...' I am a big believer in parental intuition.

Go with your instinct.

The undermining is out of order.

The attentiveness is a bit odd given that you've made it clear you're not interested in a sexual relationship with him. Do you ever spend time with him alone without the children? I'd also be hearing alarm bells if not. How old is he? If he's looking for a relationship, it's odd that he spends so much time with a woman who doesn't want one, it puts other eligible women off.

I would go with your gut instintct tbh.

I have 2 girls aged 2 and nearly 4 and would not have any qualms about friends seeing them naked.

If I did, I would question why.

I do not worry about paedophiles at all and would let them play naked on the beach etc but if I had an uneasy feeling about someone I knew, for me there would be a reason why.

He may be a great man but

You could be describing how my step-father treated/played with me, my sister and my friends to a tee.

He spent years abusing me.

Please if you have the slightest doubts stay away from him. The loss of a friendship is nothing compare to what could happen to your children.

If he is undermining you then there is an immeidate lack of respect for you and your boundaries.

If it's instinct, and not "I've heard of etc etc", then yes, I'd be cautious. Well, either way, I'd be cautious.

We do have a close family friend who takes DS1 out on his own, but we've known him for ages, he's good mates with DH, I know (and like) his parents, etc etc. I do think it's normal (and good!) for men to want to be friends with kids, with no evil intent, but these days, it's hard to trust.

(I do think that many, maybe even most paedophiles do not have normal relationships with women, so I do think the fact he has no gf is a potentially worrisome sign.)

I do think it's entirely possible he's doing all this because he wants to date you, and has no "evil" motives at all.

I don't really understand your concern about the photos, btw.

I havent met any of his friends or family as he only moved to the area 6 months ago and hasnt really settled in yet. I think he is very lonely and craves company. He is 40.

We do spend time alone together with out the children, we will go out for a meal or see a film which I enjoy because it benifits us both although I would really rather it was less frequent, he has a habbit of just turning up at times which irritates me as sometimes I just want a bit of peace and quiet.

He has a job and seems to have a stable life style, I think he just has a crush on me and is trying to make me dependant unintentionally on his company, maybe he is giving all this attention to the children to show me what a good father figure he would make?

Last night, before I typed the OP he was here and my eldest demanded that he was tucked into bed by his new friend. I wasnt comfortable with it so tagged along too, just incase which got me some strange looks from them both. He tells me to go get some rest or take some time out for a cup of tea whilst he keeps an eye on them and of course I dont. I think he is starting to realise that I dont trust him which of course makes him self concious.

He likes to push the push chair when we are out and I think he is just trying to play happy families because he is desperate for one of his own.

He has invited us swimming and I have declined because I am paranoid about it.

Like you say though, I cant tar every man with the same brush and risk really offending him and damaging our friendship if I tell him my fears but on the other hand I cant ignore it and then run the risk of something terrible happening and letting my children down when I am supposed to protect them. If I just cut him off totally he will be hurt and confused as too my motives, and I would rather not do this as I enjoy his company most of the time.

Its so difficult though, how do you tell who is a potential threat - its not like they come with it tatooed on their forehead! But the nagging feeling is there and I cant ignore it, maybe I should give it time and see if his intial enthusiasm wears off when he realises that its not going to get him into my bed?

Do you know if he dates other women or does he seem to be pinning his hopes on you eventually falling in love with him?

If he doesn't then you need to address the issue of him having unrealistic expectations. You could sit him down and explain that you don't have sexual feelings for him and if he does, then you need to rethink how much time you are spending with him.

That's the first thing. But more importantly if you have some doubts and niggles about his motives then I would say you should go with your instinct. I too have male friends who I am happy to have playing with the kids, photgraphing them, play-fighting etc. Then I have a friend who has recently taken up with a new partner and for some reason I can't explain, I just feel uncomfortable with him around my kids.

If you need to, make the excuse that this is potentially a one-sided unhealthy relationship on his part.

Def better safe than sorry imo.

I think that whether he's trying to get closer to you, or your children, the fact that you don't really want either is enough to take a step back.

If it's just friendship then, tbh, your children should be of secondary interest to him - just as my friends' children were of secondary interest to me when I had no children.

It seems like you're uncomfortable with where you are now and it's fair enough to either move it back to an adult friendship (e.g. less of the family trips) or reduce/cease contact.

I do think you have to be careful, and it's not unfair to be careful. Even if nothing sinister is happening, you still have to consider how your children will feel if they become close to this man, he expects more from you, and you have to end the relationship.

I remember my mum didn't introduce us to our future stepfather (who had 2 children the same age) until she was pretty sure that it was a very serious relationship. I don't remember the single men she knew being very interested in us children, and that seemed normal to me. As a child, I would have been wary about mum's 'friend' taking so much interest in me, though I would have relied on my mum's judgement ...