tips please for soon to become grandma

[lemonice]

my nineteen year old daughter is having baby next month. She has been with boyfriend since July and
moved out from home in september
we live near each other and she's pleased that
we are now getting on better than for ages
I am worried about hashing things upbefore during or after the birth
any advice? she says i can go into hospital with her and boyfriend is this a good idea?

Congratulations on being about to be a grandmother! Definitely go to the hospital with your daughter but tell her beforehand that she must promise to let you know if you are in the way, if she needs anything or whatever and that you won't feel bad whatever she says (even if you will). My mother is in South Africa and even though we don't always get on I often just want a cuddle from her so your daughter will probably appreciate just knowing that you are there even if she does not call on you.

Congratulations

I agree with CP. Make it clear that you'd prefer her to tell you if you're in the way rather than for her to quietly seethe about it. Offer to do things with the proviso "I won't be offended if you say no".

I understood my mother so much better after having children/being pregnant. I realised that she had felt the same way about me as I did/do about my DSs. I don't think I ever realised how much she must love me before becoming a mother myself.

I second that.

Congratulations Lemonice - my mum's not alive anymore but she was around when my kids were born and she taught me such a lot. Just listen to what you're told on here and you won't go far wrong!!!

I've also apologised for loads of things I know my brothers and I used to do as children that my DSs are doing and driving me mad with

Congratulations

If she says it's okay to be there then it's okay.

I wouldn't have wanted my mum to fuss around me too much (in fact I didn't want her there becasue I knew she would, bless her!)

The best thing my mum did was describe how her birthds felt and she mentioned the fact that it felt as if she was going to have me out of the wrong hole so when it felt like that for me I didn't panic!

Other than that her calm, quiet, support and love were all i need and were hugely appreciated.

Practical help, such as helping with paying for and choosing steriliser and nursery stuff etc.

Thanks for the supportive messages (which made me cry!)
She only told me (and went to doc for first time) at the end of Jan so has taken me a while to get used to the idea. She is middle one and has sister
in first year at uni who is sixteen months older
and brother who is doing GCSEs this summer.

Seem to have gone from seeing her leave school at sixteen and go to art college, drop out and go back to sixth form and this time last year drop out again and teenage stuff to her suddenly going
to be a mum.

Her boyfriend is a nice enough lad who is also 18 or 19 and working as a chef assistant but he already has a one year old boy.

One thing I do think is that having the baby will be really wonderful for her in many ways and bring us closer.

I didn't realise how emotional I felt until I started writing this.

Bless you, it must be an emotional time with all sorts of feelings for you.

Must be hard for you in lots of ways as well as exciting and wonderful. You sound like you're doing a great job and she's lucky to have a mum who cares about her so much

Congratulations!

You've had so much excellent advice already.

I agree about letting her know about your births - I learnt so much about my mum and family history. But don't take it too far. It really annoys me when my mum watches what my son is doing and then lists the age at which me & my brothers did the same thing.

e.g. "Oh look, he's just starting to crawl. Now, how old is he now? He's just coming up to six months, isn't her? Well, your big brother crawled at 5 and a half months and your little brother, well he did everything really early, yes I think he was not quite 5 months, now, I don't really remember how old you were..."

I am sure you would not do this (but then again I am pretty sure my mum isn't aware she's doing it, and would be shocked to find out) but as you can see it can be doubly painful.

So use your wonderful experience to help her, but make it directly relevant to her and her baby, and not to you and your babies (if you see what I mean!)

Have fun!

Yep I think that last piece of advice from Fisil is exactly where i think it might be hard to get it right.

As for telling birth experiences she is worried about pain and having a long labour (who isn't or wasn't) But does it follow on from mother.

Mine were ver short all less than 2hrs and with her so brief i got up went to the loo waters broke i got dressed and then refused to budge tried to keep her in until mid wife arrived was stiil fully dressed and wearing knickers and tight s when she was born. But i know my mum had at least one really long labour (36 hr)but i'm not telling d that

She does seem to take after me in lots of ways including having bad varicose veins which have been terrible since pregnant (but she even had a tiny one at 13)

Welcome to mumsnet and congratulations lemonice.I too agree with fosil.That is the thing that I hpoe I remember not to do when I have my grandchildren.My mum done this to me.Still love her lots though just a bit annoying.Just lots of love and support in whatever she wants to do.You sound like you will make a wonderful grandma.

I am the same build as my mum and also had big babies and I had the same kind of labours as my mum.long labours and big ones.Don't know whether it's the same for everyone

It was what my mum said about how it felt that helped me and made me less scared when it happened, the feeling as if youwere having baby out of your bum, the burning etc. we didn't actually compare births as such. i collected as much info as poss on how it felt so i was prepared and my mums stories were the most helping in getting myself preppared for it all.

My mum waited outside the delivery room, and we asked her in a couple of times during the labour to give moral support. It was great, and she got really emotional, which suprised me and really helped our relationship.

Personally i find advice or too many stories a bit frustrating, but equally I want my Mum to show an interest and want to be involved. Seeing my parents has become much more important since I had dd because I want them to know her and vis versa. Also, my Mum and my sister have this annoying habit of assuming that my husband is incompetent when it comes to dd (he's not, he's a great dad) and they try to give him advice/take over all the time which is really upsetting. Sounds like you're a very caring and considerate mum, so just go with your instincts. Hope all goes well x