friend with cancer

[alexsmum]

One of my friends has breast cancer. She's had a mastectomy and is under going chemo. She has recently had a scan on her other organs and has been told there are some 'suspect patches' on her liver.She's going for the full results next week.
She is terribly, terribly depressed( which is to be expected) and has kind of resigned herself to being told it's terminal.
I am so incredibly worried about her.My mind is racing over and over trying to think of what i can do or say to make anything better but coming up with a blank.
She's a single parent too so must be sick with worry about her daughter.
I just don't know what to do/how to act/what to say and am hoping someone will come along and tell me what to do.

Message withdrawn

there's a great book called "What can I do to Help" here whihc I thought was brilliant.

You won't be able to do anything to make anything better unless you are a miracleworker but make sure you talk to her about it and ask her what you can to do help - it may be practical things or anything - but if you ask her, make sure you do what she wants and not what you think she would want!.

Hang in there with her - she needs lots of friends around.

i do help out with childcare and am always offering/asking what i can do, but she is incredibly private/independent and will only let me do so much.
i literally don't know what to say to her because everything i say sounds stupid/glib etc.

Alexsmum

I have two friends both going through breast cancer at the moment, one has had a double mastectomy and had chem now on herceptin and has two children she is 36yrs old and is doing really well.

My other friend is a friend of a friend ahe is mum of 3 dds all under age of 6 she has breast cancer but her scan showed up something on her liver too and i am waiting to find out what they are going to do.

Unfortunately there is not much you can do, i raised money through our friends and gave her gift vouchers for pampers she was allowed to have also found details of local supplier of wigs and clothes suitable for when she had mastectomy. I also used to have her ds for sleep overs when she had her ops or her chemo so that he didnt see how poorly she was. I think being there for her txting dropping in magazines and books for her to keep her mind off things and helping with day to day chores and childcare are often a big help.

I hope she is ok will watch this thread and let you know how my friends are doing too big hugs to your friend

I've got a friend with a worrying dx too, although she hasn't had full results yet, still waiting. The implications are horrendous and I feel the same as you - inadequate. Perhaps we could CAT each other for moral support? Mine seems to have child-care mostly covered, so I think it's a case of being there for her, which is hard to judge - how much phoning and dropping by is too much?

exactly droile.because she is so private i feel limited in how much i can do.if it was another friend i would just turn up on the doorstep, come in and get cracking on the jobs-do the housework or whatever.but i really couldn't do that in this situation.
please cat me if you would like.would be good to talk.

Oh Alexsmum how sad.
My sister has cancer and has gone through so so much, and it is hard to see and even harder to know what to do.
The macmillan web site has some great advice.
Contact Us - www.macmillan.org.uk/Contact_Us/Home.aspx.
Hope you find something that will help.

My friend is 31 and was dx with grade 3 breast cancer at age 29 and at one point not expected to live 6 more months. But she's still here, currently free of cancer and on preventative herceptin.

My approach for 'being there' (which I made up as I went along and hoped for the best) was lots of texts offering to come at a moment's notice.. bring her stuff.. do whatever she wanted, telling her she could phone whenever even the middle of the night. Texts are good in this situation, they are non-invasive and friends can choose when and if to reply depending on how they feel that say/what they need. I also sent her stuff, like a gift box of treats for her and her kids and husband when she was in hospital after her op and when she had said she couldn't face seeing anyone but them.

She has since told me that she felt quite let down but some 'closer' friends who she knew didn't know how to deal with the situation, but who she felt let her down by nontheless.. and she and her DH are closest to a whole different group of friends these days. She said she felt as if we (DH and I) were always there if she needed us - and sometimes she DID phone at odd hours and still does as she still suffers from depression caused by the whole ordeal. I feel much closer to her now then I ever have, and we used to be close work colleagues years ago which was how we met.

This was what worked for us.. but different strokes etc.. so hope this helps a bit. Love and good vibes to you all.. it's very difficult and bless you for wanting to be there for her. It's so easy to 'hide' from these situations at least to some extent and a surprising amount of people do.

You could also refer her to this foundation.. but might be best to tell her you are doing it.

My ds's MIL has recently had cancer and although I couldn't help, apart from phone calls, because we live in different countries, I did glean a few hints as to what was helpful to her during her treatment.

One particular person became the contact who coordinated all the offers of help so X didn't have to field calls or think off the top of her head. Gifts of prepared meals for post-chemo sessions were very gratefully received, whether for X herself or other members of the family. She also appreciated being driven to and from hospital appointments and treatments. And she found it cheering to talk about non-illness subjects, just small talk, gossip etc.

Obviously, it's horses for courses, but HTH and best wishes to your friend.

thanks sue.
have just had another friend round who has seen her today and says she seems much more cheerful today, so that's good.