last wishes - and wills if you want

[robinw]

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i want my daughter to stay with my best friend if both me and her dad die i dont want her to live with my mom. and i leave everything i own(not much)to dd

Adding in a serious note here, could I urge all of you to ensure that you have up-to-date wills? You may not be aware but, if you do not specifically appoint guardians for your children in your will, the State will decide what will happen to them. That might mean that they end up with grandparents/aunts/uncles/best friends, or it might mean that they are put into care and eventually adopted by non-family members.

This is so important and so many parents do not realise that the wishes of family members might not count if they die intestate. The fact that you have agreed with your mum and dad that they will have your children will not necessarily mean that that is where they end up.

I've always been told that if both parents die leaving young children, the Paternal Grandfather has more or less automatic rights to custody.

Hence DH and I have stated in our Wills that our children MUST remain with my brother and SIL.

My Inlaws do not maintain contact with us or their grandchildren whilst we're alive so there is absolutely NO WAY that they will have custody of them when we've gone.

Who told you that? Because it isn't true. Have you had wills formally drawn up or are these DIY wills? Just asking because it can be important how things are worded. You will need to state that you appoint your brother and SIL as guardians.

Can't remember who told me but I've read on other websites that people generally think the same - so can't swear that it's the truth - just what I've been told.

And yes - both Wills are properly drawn-up with the Solicitors and yes, both categorically state that my brother and SIL are to be "Guardians".

for my kids not to go with my mother if I cark it anytime soon, she already screwed me up, she ain't getting another go with them!
Infact this is in my will already...
Bitch huh!

I'm glad your will is well drafted. However, many others may be under the same illusion as you that the paternal grandfather has automatic custodial rights. This is just not the case. If there is no will setting out clearly your wishes with regard to guardians, the court will appoint someone to decide where and with whom your children should live. This may not be a relative/friend even if you had an informal (i.e. not set out in a will) agreement with them that they would take the children in the event of your death.

So if any of you out there haven't dealt with this aspect, please do so as soon as possible.

Freckle, are you in the legal profession? We visited a solicitor over a year ago, but because our situation is so damned complicated haven't done a thing about it since then.

Well, I was prior to having children. Haven't practised for over 10 years. However, my dh is a solicitor, so I can always check things with him. I'm also employed by his firm as their librarian and have access to all the firm's legal tomes!

If you situation is complicated, it is so important that you get it sorted out will-wise. Just think of the mess that will be left to others to sort out if you don't organise yourself now. Even simple situations can prove problematic if a will hasn't been organised first.

freckle, I never knew that. thanks for the info. our sons only have their paternal grandparents - no other relatives. If they died, they would have to be fostered. Can I state any wishes in the event of fostering, like both sons must be kept together?

You can state your wishes in this respect in a will. Whether they will be followed will depend on whether it is feasible. At the end of the day, the authorities will be bound to act in the best interests of the children. If they feel it would be better for them to be kept together, but in care, then that is what will happen. If however they feel that they would be better off being adopted but in separate families, this might well happen. I think in these circumstances they try to ensure that the children remain in fairly close contact.

At the end of the day, if you don't express your wishes in a will, no-one will know that this is what you wanted.

Freckle, could I ask your opinion on something? We do have chums in the legal profession, but it would be nice to have an impartial opinion. I know I said it's complicated, but just a yes or no would do ..... pretty please??

Fine. As I said, I haven't practised for over 10 years, but if you're happy with a rough opinion now, I could check out any further details later.

freckle - do you mind if I just ask something (and I'm not asking for a long detailed answer, just asking before I next see my solicitor)?

Once my UH and I are divorced, is it at all feasible that if I die my dd would be able to got to my sister and BIL instead of my UH?

Just a "probably" or "not in a million years" would be brilliant, thanks!

You can certainly appoint your sister and BIL as guardians in your will. What happens on your death would depend on how determined your UH was to have the children with him. As their father, he would have a very good case, unless it could be shown that he is a totally unfit parent. If you feel that to be the case, you need to gather evidence to that effect. If he did want to apply through the courts, it would be for a judge to decide. If, however, you don't appoint guardians in your will, the children would almost certainly go to him.

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The thing I find rather complicates the issue is that I feel I should ask the consent of the parties to be appointed "guardians" - but it seems a rather awkward issue to raise. What if they said no? What if they said yes but secretly were averse to the idea. Would it sour our relationship? Unlikely in the case of grandparents but not sure these are the best pick in my case.

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You should definitely ask for the consent of the people you want to appoint as guardians. Just think what a shock it would be if the first they knew about it was when someone looked at your will! The best thing to do is to assure them that, if they decide they can't take on such a huge commitment, it won't affect your friendship/relationship.

We have had this dilemma, my mum (control freak) was really cross when she found out that we had asked my dd's godparents to be her guardian. She dropped it and I knew it was because she would contest the will in the event our deaths.

However, when my son was born with cerebral palsy (and by then the godparents had also had a child) we decided it wasn't fair to ask them to take on our 2 children so we asked my brother and his new wife to be their guardians, hopefully mum won't be so upset about that - however, I haven't told her we changed it - none of her business!

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As I understood it when we made our wills, the 'guardian' is the one who will be given the decision as to whom the children will live with should we die, and it doesn't have to be himself / herself.

Also the trustees / executors of the will ultimately hold the purse strings, which I presume is key to the children's future as they should have some say in how the estate is spent.

Have to agree with what Freckle says. It is really important to get a proper will drawn up by a specialist. That is a solicitor, not a DIY one and not from one of these will writing companies. A solicitor has trained for years to do it right and get the wording just so.

Dh is a private client solictior which means he spends a good deal of his time writing and drafting wills and dealing with probate. Even if you think your will would be straight forward - do see a solicitor. If it is a more complicated situation - go and see one NOW!!! If you don't have a will then when you die what happens may not be what you want to have happened.

So please, all of you go and get an up to date will. It isn't that expensive in the scheme of things, and it is important - especially when you have children to look after if you are not there to do it yourself.

I'd second Hulababy. We had ours written by a will-writing company (£100 for the 2 I think). Did a fairly poor job overall and didn't really tie in with our wishes that exactly. After Ds2 was born we had (or are having) them redone.

Definitely go with a solicitor who is used to will-writing.