am I allowed to be (act) pissed off because

[Twiglett]

DH wants to go away on a 'conference' in Barcelona for 5 nights

all funded by work of course, though not crucial to his work

leaving me to deal with 5.7 year old and 2.5 year old on my own

he seems surprised that I've said of course he can go if he wants to but I'm not happy about it

ooo the 'pay for it' comment.... you could refuse to do his washing / cooking unless he 'pays for it' by sending you to a spa for the weekend with one of your friends.

Everyone knows that a conference is a jolly, so basically he is going to have 5 days of work related fun time.
I think you have been perfectly reasonable to register that it doesn't exactly fill you with joy. So, take him up on your suggestion & have a bit of time off yourself. Bugger the "someone to pay for it" comment, that was said in anger to be confrontational.
I wouldn't say anymore about it now. You've said your piece. Wave him goodbye & be pleased to see him home & then give him the dates for your time off.

Blu .. thanks and to the rest of you too .. Bugsy you're spot on the 'pay for it' comment was said out of anger / frustration

to be totally fair he is a caring, lovely and loving partner .. he is a great dad although would I be able to swan off for a week and leave him with the kids without a manual? .. or indeed would I want to? .. that would take a lot of consideration

he has expended a lot of effort this year trying to make things better and being supportive (because I've had a tricky year healthwise) and he does work hard

I think it boils down to the way he said it tbh .. and also to the context it was put in (ie out of the blue in an oh by the way manner) .. he was surprised I wasn't happy for him and called me selfish ... I have previously told him I'd be really happy for him to go on a course with work for a week (conferences are different though) but that stemmed out of a conversation about his level of happiness

I struggle similarly with DH and travel. He is off to Chicago in October and Washington in November. And that Washington trip slid in, there wasn't a "is it ok if I ..." conversation like there normally is.

He is currently chasing after a new job that will be 25% travel, so he'd be away one week in four.

I probably do have to sit down and have it out with him.

Strange that he's calling you selfish. Isn't he being selfish in not realising you'd mind?

Ah, the old levels of happiness argument twig - just spotted this and assume that the musings about absenteeism and manuals on the other thread stem from this.
Dh's levels of happiness requirement mean that he is out of the house one night a week playing tennis. Good for him, but with one late night worked apiece as well he knows and I know that I can't really do likewise because of the further disruption to bedtime routine - two lots of stories, baths etc.
I also think your and Blu's comments about how Mumsnet can unfortunately divert conversations we really should be having with them and not about them are spot-on. I have been able to have a laugh about Humzingergate on the other thread but actually afterwards, at home, I had a good cry about the thoughtless wally (I was in bath and he was downstairs chipping Weetabix off a Miffy bowl in fairness).
I think that the joint budget does owe and should give you an overnighter on the Eurostar actually, or some such, I will now be absent from the home for a full 24 hours pass-out.
I think we all have these scary moments when you look at them hard and think, You, right now, are not the man I married
I would feel p'd off about the conference too, then feel guilty for transmitting that resentment.