Yesterday I began making a statement, today I need somewhere safe to park the memories.

[ready4anotherdecaffcoffee]

5 years on I was finally ready to formally report xh for stabbing me. During that process I disclosed other abuse that I'd not been able to disclose before, and that lead to arranging an appointment to make a statement about these. It was time and I was ready. Felt really calm until that morning! But that day was yesterday, and I spent quite a while going through the timeline of the whole ghastly mess. All 7 years of of the abusive relationship, listing the assaults that stood out and the occasions of unconsensual sex that stood out. I can't use the word, I expect o will in time but today it's a bit raw.

But it was ok. Gently done and ok. Quite probably because I was ready to go through it all.

Last night and today is different. I have a lot of memories returning. Some I think bother, I should have mentioned that some are just horrid memories to put back in their box. I need a safe place to put them, to write them down so I can function as mum and as myself. This is it, I don't need a response, just need to share it somewhere so the burden isn't all mine right now.

The past 24 hours I've struggled with food/anything in my mouth. I mentioned being told to 'wake it up' and spending ages trying to no response. I couldn't bring myself to say I had to use my mouth, that it smelt and tasted foul and it would be so demeaning on my knees achieving nothing, and being told how useless I was because I couldn't make it erect despite my knowledge that he was too drunk. I forced myself to eat some salad earlier, but feel sick now.

Went for a shower, and it came flooding back how he would tell me how fat and disgusting I was whenever I bathed (no shower back then) I have a phobia of baths for mostly that reason.

There are so many more, I've allowed the box to be opened but this is a positive process, I don't know whether anything will come of it, but it's no longer my guilty secret

My heart goes out to you - making the statement was incredibly brave, and it seems so unfair that doing that brave thing has brought out these horrible memories.

If you contacted the police again, might you be able to talk to a Liaison officer - would that help?

I wish I had some wise advice for you, but other than suggesting that you are gentle with yourself - as if you were recovering from having a really bad infection lanced - all I can say is this:

You are a special and beautiful person. You know you didn't deserve what happened to,you - all the blame lies on his shoulders - and the opinion of such a vile person means nothing. You are amazing because you have got out of the relationship, you have survived, and you have made the statement. You are awesome.

And all the times he held me round my neck. I would be terrified and he would tell me I deserved it. I still cannot bear anything round or even near my neck but compared to everything else yesterday that's sort of normal because I have to deal with the effects daily

It sounds like you've had a horrific ordeal. I can tell by your writing it must have happened a whole ago but still feels new.

I just want to let you know it gets better. I didn't make a statement (you're very brave) but I did squash memories of my abuse until I almost had a breakdown.

I started talking to a counsellor and opened up Pandora's box. For a long while I had random memories that I thought I'd forgotten pop out at odd times. It was really very hard.

I am 6 years on from first talking. I am no longer plagued by memories, that horrid sick feeling that someone will find out or guilt. It still affects me but not on a day to day basis. I can now say I'm happy. Something I didn't think I would ever be.

It's hard, but you'll get there, and life will be so, so much better once you do.

The storm that this will create scares me, not on my behalf but for my children. Because I hid the dv so successfully, and there are no reports until the end, the dv was never proved and so the courts gave him unsupervised contact every other weekend. Just on a Saturday, but that's already damaging them, especially dd1. This man has no boundaries, and I'm not sure what I fear happening more, him lashing out, or, and this is more likely, him telling the children in a look how horrid she is to me headfuckway. They don't need to know anything, they were all small when we left, and although they witnessed some ghastly stuff they don't seem to remember, for which I am eternally grateful. The older two remember the fear. Dd2 was so small that she remembers nothing.

I am still unable to eat, chamomile tea made me feel sick earlier. Saw a chocolate orange bar in the cupboard, and usually I'd be thinking yum, tonight it bought back all those times when he'd bring a chocolate bar to make up for hitting me the night before, have a go if I didn't eat it straight away, pester until I had and then spend ages telling me what a pig I was for eating it all in one go. Just a normal counter size bar.

Thank you for the replies, I will read when I am brave enough, tonight I need to hold everything together.

One of the things that has really upset me is actually from yesterday, after I described the first time he had sex without asking, I described the incident, and she asked me what did I do after? So I described what I did and whatnot I'd been thinking and feeling, and she just said that's very poignant. Not nastily, just a quiet aside, but it's left a very sad feeling, that I couldn't enjoy my children's babyhood unblemished, and that their babyhood was tarnished. And I'm trying to not think of what else it implies, because that's the way to losing my grip.

I think I need to email my pastoral support lady from church, she only knows about me reporting the stabbing, and that I had a second statement, but sharing her faith, and prayer, and quiet sounds just the job, if she's got any time free. Tomorrow I am supposed to be going to a friend's, I just don't have the energy. I might call off.

Feeling quite shaky this morning, I think very little food hasn't helped. Had a couple of strawberries while making packed lunches, they were ok, but when I tried a cereal bar I had to try really hard to not gag. Brushing my teeth was horrid too, whish surprised me because I like the fresh feeling that comes after.

Had a lovely cuddle with dd2 this morning. Ok not quite so lovely because she only crept in after wetting her bed, but still lovely. She's still all snuggly, although getting long, and becoming quite angular. It wants the have my children overnight, and I worry for all 3, he abuses them enough on the Saturdays, and his mother abused him about late bedwetting, the consequences for dd2 could be terrible. She's the one most unaffected, because she was so young when we left, only 15mths. Now she can reach the light switches!

I couldn't cancel on my friend, I'd already had to mess her about because the statement day moved to Tues. Hope I get there ok, it's an hours drive. Will be good to see her, she's my honorary big sis, and I can ogle her new house, and relax in her company. Probably better than sitting at home brooding.

Feeling quite shaky this morning, I think very little food hasn't helped. Had a couple of strawberries while making packed lunches, they were ok, but when I tried a cereal bar I had to try really hard to not gag. Brushing my teeth was horrid too, whish surprised me because I like the fresh feeling that comes after.

Had a lovely cuddle with dd2 this morning. Ok not quite so lovely because she only crept in after wetting her bed, but still lovely. She's still all snuggly, although getting long, and becoming quite angular. It wants the have my children overnight, and I worry for all 3, he abuses them enough on the Saturdays, and his mother abused him about late bedwetting, the consequences for dd2 could be terrible. She's the one most unaffected, because she was so young when we left, only 15mths. Now she can reach the light switches!

I couldn't cancel on my friend, I'd already had to mess her about because the statement day moved to Tues. Hope I get there ok, it's an hours drive. Will be good to see her, she's my honorary big sis, and I can ogle her new house, and relax in her company. Probably better than sitting at home brooding.

You will get through this. It sounds really hard at the moment but it will get better. Be very gentle on yourself, give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Talking to someone sounds like a good idea, get as much support as you can right now, be kind to yourself.

You are so brave, I can't imagine how hard that must have been, let alone going through it in the first place. (Hug)
Didn't they'll police (assume this is who you spoke to?) offer you support/guidance/counselling as I am sure your reaction is very normal to this.

Women's Aid is ready to listen to you 24/7 on 0808 2000247 and will be able to offer further contacts to support you through this time.

If you have a friend who you feel comfortable being with during this time go and be with them. Being alone with your thoughts in my experience is not always a good thing.

Take care, thinking of you.

this is somewhere safe op.

you can confide in us.

xxxxx

Well this is progress, chamomile tea is ok now. Walked the dogs, usually love that as my space. Today lots of not so nice thinking but out side in the sun, in the countryside around the town that has become home, it's diluted.

I'm still slightly surprised how ok and gentle the process was. It was far harder to go through the stabbing, maybe because I was prepared for it this time, maybe the different setting. but it was ok. Intense, lost track of time, but wasn't stressful. Just the memories that have been let loose.

It used to climb on top of me when I was asleep, and I'd wake to find it penetrating me. I was asked how I reacted, and it was so hard to describe, I'd squirm, but couldn't articulate no very easily, partly through fear of his reaction, partly because I would have the youngest dc in the crib beside the bed and partly because I slept on my tummy flat out and would have my face half in the pillow, so was muffled, with his weight above me what chance did I have? And then my body would betray me and react. The shame, even my body wouldn't listen to my head saying no.

And just describing the violence. When you describe several hits to the head as normal, and describe the permanent bruise on your back from the plug socket on the wall he would get me against. That was seriously messed up thinking, that he had brainwashed me to believe I deserved it and was worth no better.

I don't think like that now. The freedom programme, as hard as it was, was brilliant. I've just celebrated 5 years since I fled. I knew nothing of this town, wasn't even sure where it was until I was told the refuge had space for us. Thank goodness for Women's Aid.

I'm not very good at verbally saying stuff. I did see a counsellor, that was before I left, and she was fab, but I do know that time will sooth me. I've emailed my pastoral support lady, and I'm hoping I'll get a chance to meet with her before the dc break up. Not to discuss this in detail, more how I can use my faith to help me heal. My faith has been a great source of strength. Bought me a dp when I was convinced I was done with men! But he's the polar opposite, very gentle and respectful. And he understands that I need him in front of me in bed. Bless him.

So I'm off to my friends, I think in some ways it's better to not be alone with my thoughts, as attractive as my metaphorical duvet. I have an hour long drive, I will put on a soothing cd, or maybe just Ken Bruce. I will wear a smile, along with my new swirly skirt which is a teeny bit big despite the 12 label. And I will keep the shadows in the shadows.

Thank you for listening . I'm on my phone so can't navigate back up very easily, but thank you. My life now is fantastic, and happy, which is why I'll stick the memories here. I don't need them interrupting my families happy.

Oh love you have been through the most awful abuse haven't you? You are so brave for reporting it and I hope that writing it here helps.

Are you aware there is a connection between domestic violence and post traumatic stress disorder? It's the mind' way of trying to process traumatic events.

Have a read of this article and see if any of this applies to you. It is a totally normal reaction and you can get help for it if you feel you need it. In the meantime be good to yourself and keep posting.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/PTSD.html

• mind's

PTSD sounds quite likely, but I am unlikely to get anything diagnosed. I know it will pass. Couldn't face supper tonight, really inconvenient as we all sit round the table for dinner. I just have to give it time. Told dd1 I have a sore throat and can't swallow, the second bit is true!

Lovely afternoon with my friend. Herbal tea, sun, knitting, chat and laughter.

It helps to talk here. It's a safe place. It wouldn't be fair to offload onto dp. My lady from church has suggested meeting up next Thursday, I just need to lose the kids. Will be a busy week! Really hope I can get it signed next week before I go away on holiday.

My friend is thinking all the thoughts I don't dare think. I have worked hard to identify my reasons before I began this process in May, to be sure that I was doing this all for closure, healing and so everything is recorded. Not for revenge. I am as confident as I can be that this is the case. Sadly I am also confident that this is unlikely to go anywhere, but for it all to be on official record against his name is sufficient, I hope, to protect others. It's out of my hands and in the hands of another so no longer my guilty secret to hide and be ashamed of.

I was admiring my friends new kitchen and how her sink was in the middle with lots of space around it. I have a washing up phobia! It's not as bad as it was but I can't abide anyone coming up behind me. In the past I would get hit, or groped, or there was a really gross thing it used to do, and then react one way or the other depending on the smell. If I responded to being groped I was a whore, if I didn't I was frigid. Really messed with my mind as well as never knowing where what would happen next. Dp is fab because he understands now, although there were a few occasions where he didn't quite realise how much I'd react and I've freaked, or jumped a lot.

Progress! The memories are fading in intensity, as I knew they would. Managed a small bowl of chilli at supper time, gagged a few times, but kids oblivious, as it should be.

So I'm getting there. The memories are fading back to the shadows, and I see my lovely lady from church for tea, chat, prayer, and due to her profession, acupuncture! I just need to get through signing the document. With any luck that'll be before Thursday, but worst case it'll be after and I'll be stronger then.

I'm with dd1 at choir practice, it's lovely and calming listening to them practice.

Glad to hear you are moving back to a better place. Sending positive vibes.

Have you tried the philosophy boards here? Some lovely people. Just a thought as I feel bad I have no words apart from I'm so sorry and send love x