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Original poster

Father in law a paedophile? Advice needed

14 replies

gobsmackedmum · 12/09/2006 13:43

Just had some disturbing news from my sister in law. She has had nothing to do with her dad for several years now and wouldn't say why but has made some comments that he abused her as a kid. Don't yet know the exact details, extent of it, age she was or anything, should all become clear by the weekend when I see her. Sounds as though she wants to go to the police about it too.

I have three girls, under 6 and though they have never been in a position where their grandad could have abused them, the thought of it is sickening. What would you do?

I have always liked him and this is totally out of the blue. I know I need to find out exactly what has happened but what do we do then and how do handle my husband - its a big shock to him.

OP posts:

littlemissbossy · 12/09/2006 13:45

OMG how shocking for you both
IMO you need to find out all the facts first before judging - either way.

Is your DH seeing her at the weekend as well?

orangegiraffe · 12/09/2006 13:46

How awfulGet all the facts first and just be supportive to you dh, which I am sure you are, this must of been a huge shock, Take it one day at a time.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 12/09/2006 13:49

whoa what a shock for your family
agree with others
find out the facts first

take it from there

if he has abused his dd
i would not let him have contact with your children

Original poster

gobsmackedmum · 12/09/2006 14:06

We are both seeing dh sister this weekend. I think we will have to confront him once we have the facts, get his side of the story too? This happened over 20 years ago - thought it only happened to other people!

I am hoping dh won't bottle up over it.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 12/09/2006 14:09

What a mess.

Why does she suddenly want to talk about this now? What has changed? (I really hope it isn't a "recovered memory", as that's a giant mess.) We had a paedophile in our family (thankfully never got near me), and I can't imaging why your SIL wouldn't tell you about her history with her dad, until now, especially as you have kids, and see the person in question ...

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/09/2006 14:15

i think its a bit early to make assumptions about her "Motives". From what i understand more people of your SILs age are reporting abuse much later in life, simply because at the time of their abuse it was much much more difficult to report it. Its much easier to now.

You dont know what may have triggered her suddenly discussing it, not having mentioned it before. I can thoroughly understand her not saying anything - it doesnt make her selfish or thoughtless towars her neices, not in the slightest, because essentially - she has done nothing wrong.

I dont think its your place to quiz FIL - i think its a matter for your SIL and police - for the moment. It could potentially make matters worse.

PrettyCandles · 12/09/2006 14:19

Don't judge your FIL on hearsay. It's a terrible thing to accuse someone of, and could do appalling harm to the whole family. Until you have a good reason to change your personal judgement of his character I see no reason to keep your children away from him. By all means make sure that they're never alone with him, but don't destroy their relationship.

WigWamBam · 12/09/2006 14:22

I can understand why she hasn't spoken out until now, having been on the receiving end of abuse from my grandfather from the age of 6. I had never spoken to anyone other than my dh about it until a couple of years ago when my sister told my mother what had happened to me. Even now I haven't told her the full extent of what he did. Everyone liked him, he was a lovely man - no-one would have believed me, and to be honest I still don't think my mother is completely convinced.

Not speaking about it is easier than addressing it, I always felt it was something I had to keep to myself, and the only thing that would have changed that is if I'd had children before he died. He was dead before I had my dd, had he been alive I think that I would only have said something if he had still been around and it would have been difficult to make excuses not to see him.

Does your SIL have children of her own - is there any chance she is speaking out now to protect her own children? You need to talk to her, and find out the nature of what she's alleging. Dh needs to face up to this too. It's hard, but for the sake of your children you need to do this.

Good luck - it's going to be tough.

coppertop · 12/09/2006 14:23

I completely agree with VVV. There was a thread on here fairly recently from a MN'er whose dh has only recently been able to tell her and his father that his uncle abused him. There could be any number of reasons why your SIL hasn't come forward until now.

For now I think all you can do is make sure that your children aren't left alone with your FIL.

Nemo1977 · 12/09/2006 14:25

NQC I was in a position similair to op sil. I always maintained a facade of everything being fine etc but my stepfather had abused me for years as a child. I disclosed to my mum when ds was 6mths old. However known of his family are aware of any of this at all as he and my mum stayed together and I am out of the loop so to speak. So she may have kept quiet because that is what has been expected of her/ enforced on her.

Personally feel if you haveany doubt then keep kids away until you know what you want to do.

foxinsocks · 12/09/2006 14:27

like WWB, unfortunately we have some experience of this in our family and I think you'll probably have to batten down the hatches for a bit!

I don't know if FIL's wife is around still but we found that the family generally split into two camps - those who refused to believe what had happened and those who did and for a while it caused a MASSIVE split in the family and tbh, the scars will never heal from that.

If I could offer any advice, it would be to listen compassionately to anything that is said (from either party). Try not to be 'drawn' into any camp and give your dh a bit of space to try and figure out what has gone on. He may have unfortunately experienced it himself but if he hasn't and it did happen to his sister, then he will find it terribly shocking to find that his memories of his childhood are actually tainted by something horrible going on that he knew nothing about.

My thoughts are with you and I hope you can manage to stick together as a family to deal with it all.

NotAnOtter · 12/09/2006 14:41

well said vvv .
I am horrified at people questionning sil's motives

NotQuiteCockney · 12/09/2006 14:50

I really didn't mean to question her motives (as in, think she was up to something), I was just saying, it's something to be aware of. Has something happened recently to her that's brought this up again?

lucy5 · 12/09/2006 14:51

I have had a similar experience with my sil,what we didn't actually know is that she was ill and at the beginning of a breakdown. She soon accused alot of family members of some horrendous things, all of which were untrue.

I am not saying this is the case for your sil but it does happen.

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