tell me things are going to get better...

[foundintranslation]

I've just had my second miscarriage in two cycles - the last one on holiday, of all things. I've not really time to take time out and I certainly can't let myself sink into the grief and rage that is bubbling away under the surface - I need to be there for ds. I've got a big bundle of working-mother guilt there and don't want to leave him to dh even more than I already do atm. I'm absolutely knackered and am trying to mark essays and have no desire or motivation to. I am currently our sole earner and my contract runs out on 31 March. We want to move back to Berlin anyway but so much is going to depend on whether dh gets funding for his doctorate - if he does I can finally get a part-time job - but he may well not know until February or even later. We have to give 3 months' notice on our flat. My former employer in B wants to take me on again but it's unclear on what basis and to what extent. If we're lucky everything will go swimmingly, dh will get funding, we'll find a decent flat and be able to move in April, I'll be pg again before long and can work for my old company for a bit and then head off into my fully funded maternity year. If things go badly, dh'll get nothing, I'll have to find a FT job somewhere else and we might not even be able to go to B, and we'll be ttc to no avail and might even miscarry again. It's all too much worry and insecurity. I know this is nothing compared to a lot of your problems, but I do wish I could have things a bit easier for once, just for a bit. Kicks up the arse gratefully received.

No kick up the arse, but lots of sympathy.

Think you deserve a break really, so hope you get one soon.

Oh FIT. No wonder it seems so hard, it is bloody hard for you atm!

I hope you get your answers soon: in my experience no answers is hardest because once you know what you're dealing with you can move forwards.

Big hugs

FIT, you have had a flipping rough time over the last few months and you are absolutely justified in feeling overwhelmed with grief and frustration.

March is a while away yet, I would suggest giving yourself a month's breather where you don't think about the future (I think I wouldn't ttc either but then I have no experience of mc so you should ignore anything I say). Just getting through the day-to-day is enough for anyone to cope with.

When you do have a little time to think about the future, some questions:

• do you want to be back in Berlin before you go on maternity leave?
• what are the chances of you negotiating a short extension to your contract in March, take you through to the end of the academic year and allow time to give notice & secure dh's funding?
• can you firm things up with your former employers in Berlin, to find out what they're offering and on what basis?

From what you've said, the logical thing is to wait for dh's funding to sort itself out, then you'll know what the situation is.

You can't possibly be expected to figure all this out a few days after your second mc in a short space of time. Give yourself a break to go through this grief - things will work themselves out, and some things can't be planned for, both good and - as you know - bad

Take care. xx

Thank you all

Trib, no chance of a contract extension - my immediate boss would love to keep me but it's decided on a higher level and there are administrative and legal reasons against it (e.g. if I stay any longer I'll have been there long enough to be able to go to court for a permanent contract, and they can't be having that {angry]). Plus dh is quietly desperate to get back to B. I'll probably have to wait a couple of months to find out the score with my previous employers, but at least I know they're keen to have me and are likely to have lots for me to do. It would be ideal to be settled in B before any pregnancy gets to the leave stage - if this one had stuck we would have been moving at about 36 weeks, which would have been a nightmare, but a small price to pay .
I shan't be ttc before my next period - my poor body needs a break from hormones shooting up and down. Fortunately I have another 6 weeks before the semester kicks off.

Okay FIT, so you have a couple of fixed points. You know you have no job after March 31, you know dh (and you?) wants to move back to Berlin. The sticking point is whether you work FT or PT, and that's dependent on dh's funding?

What's the German position on accepting a FT role and then asking to go PT, or vice versa? Equally what's the position on being FT before maternity leave and PT after?

I do sympathise on the FT/PT split, as you know, I am FT cos my dh is too ill to work, and I don't like it, even though I see ds a decent amount of the time during the week as I can work from home. But that's simply the reality.

At the very least, in Berlin, I assume you would have better opportunities to seek a PT role if your Berlin employers wouldn't let you switch?

My ex-employers are great people and would probably try to accommodate me. Legally PT rights are quite well protected, I think, but I doubt I'd need that. I also wouldn't mind taking on a series of temporary contracts with them. The real problem is that they might only be able to accommodate me on a freelance basis, which would mean, for me, finding other clients and paying vast amounts for my health insurance.

Okay, how do you work around that? Is it financially better for your family to look for a permie job with health benefits?

In the short term, trib, possibly. but if I end up working FT again, dh is never going to get this doctorate done. And he's studied and doctorated and SAHD-ed himself into a bit of a corner - he's pretty specialised now and if he gets on with it he can build himself a career eventually, if he doesn't his job chances are not great and it will be very difficult for him to re-orientate. Which is why he really needs funding. His project is excellent and he has all sorts of people singing his praises, but competition for funding is extremely intense.

The very best thing over here is that they are introducing a new thing next year whereby you get 67% of your last year's average earnings to SAH for one year after your baby's birth. So having another baby wouldn't be a huge financial risk in that sense. If I do get pg again fairly soon, though, I will need something to bridge the gap.

Fingers crossed for you and your dh. Would you feel able to leave ttc until the new year maybe? You'd have more energy to get you and your family through the waiting period, maybe even relax and enjoy Christmas. I know when you want a baby you want a baby but once pregancy starts the pressure of that 9month deadline, as well as general hassles, hormones and aches of pregnancy, can make you feel even more out of control.

I don't think we'll be going all out ttc for the first couple of cycles, buckets - ttc is a pressure in itself and I'm not sure I can handle actively doing the whole rollercoaster iyswim - more a case of no contraception and seeing what happens. But then again, that's what we did these last two cycles and I still got pg twice. It just seems ludicrous to me to use contraception when you want a baby.

It really is the uncertainty. If all goes well, all will be very well. I suppose it's trusting that that will happen that's the problem. I know I really need to spend some time not thinking about it. But the mc has sort of recalled all my other worries as well and sent them spinning into overdrive.

You're right, trib - this is the wrong time to be thinking about it and trying to sort it out. 2 days ago I was in hospital for a D&C FGS. I need to give myself a bit of a break. I think I've done what I can for the next month or so, anyway - it's too early to start applying for other jobs and looking for flats. I'm qualified and experienced up to my eyeballs and dh has a great project and loads of supporters and we'll manage. Thanks trib.

FIT, I'm so sorry to hear about everything you're going through and worrying about. I don't have any good advice I'm afraid. Just hope things will become clearer soon.

How old is ds? Couldn't dh work on his phD and do a part-time job at the same time, so that you could work less and have more time for ds? I know it may take a bit longer that way but that's what most people here seem to do.

Hello Sandy
if it comes to it that's what dh will have to do - and he'll manage somehow. He's already got a fair bit of material and a clear idea of where things are going - I just know what a fuss he's going to make about the writing up . ds is 15 months.

FIT - you owe yourself a chance to slow down and digest what's happened, Rome (or Berlin) wasn't built in a day!