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Original poster

I feel unreasonable, need to be calmed down etc.

15 replies

JessaJam · 07/09/2006 11:25

DH's uncle died nearly 2 weeks ago. In his 40s, married with 4 children ( ages between 18 and about 12 I think). It is his funeral tommorrow. I want to go, to support DH and DH's family (his gran has lost 2 husbands and a son now) and I also really feel for the children as my mum dies when I was 19.

DS is one. He is very mellow and chilled and happy.

My intention was to take ds, and to stand right at the back by the door during the service so that if (when) he got bored I could step outside straight away. I also felt it might be nice for people, especially DHs gran, to have ds around during the after-funeral bits.

But yesterday PIL called dh, FIL really angry, as Dh's aunt ( the wife of the decessaed) has said she doesn't want a crying baby in the church and would rather he wasn't in there at all.

Now, I'm thinking calmly and telling myself she doesn't know ds, he could be a crying-type baby for all she knows. She has just lost her husband, so diplomacy isn't exactly her priority etc etc BUT at the same time I feel a bit annoyed that she didn't give us credit for knowing ds's limitations, and also for being sensible enough to be planning to lurk in the doorway etc.

I think he is "allowed" to be at the after-funeral things...

Help me stay calm and reasonable and sympathetic please. We are going to see PIL toonight ad they will still be annoyed about this and I don't want to get wound up about it...

OP posts:
bran · 07/09/2006 11:29

I don't see why your PILs are angry, surely they could have passed on your dh's aunt's wishes without getting annoyed! Anyway, I think the way to go is to say you are happy to respect the aunt's wishes and leave it at that. I don't see why there would be any need to make a drama out of it or discuss it any further. It will be a pity for you to miss the funeral obviously but she will know that you wanted to attend and pay your respects.

Original poster
JessaJam · 07/09/2006 11:33

I'm not sure why they are so angry either, but I don't know how she worded her request exactly.
I am worried that actually she didn't want ds there AT ALL ( ie not even for the after-service bits.

As I said, I'm happy to respect her wishes although disappointed personally) and wander around the churchyard/go for a walk/drive with ds during the actual service.

OP posts:
suejoneziscalmernow · 07/09/2006 11:35

Agree with Bran, she is not capable of htinking about anything logically at the moment so don't be offended that she can't think through whether your DS would really be a problem or not. Every little thing will be a source of stress and panic for her at the moment. Just honour her wishes and go afterwards instead.

Not sure why FIL is so angry about it unless he is greiving too (not sure of relationship between him and uncle who died). Anger is a VERY common manifestation of grief. Being reasonable will defuse the whole thing - "thats fine we'll go to the house afterwards if that what she wants"

bluejelly · 07/09/2006 11:35

Oh how awkward. I think I would have err on the side of respecting their wishes, even if your ds is quiet and well-behaved.
I took my generally quiet 1 yo dd to a funeral, she squwaked and wriggled and I missed out on paying my respects to my grandmother...
I really wished I'd got a babysitter!

ggglimpopo · 07/09/2006 11:37

Message withdrawn

Piffle · 07/09/2006 11:39

I'd also backstep and err on the side of respecting their wishes.

Original poster
JessaJam · 07/09/2006 11:45

FIL was very close to his BIL. Bit like a younger brother to him in a way.

This is JUST the sort of reaction I need, sensible calm people telling me I am doing the right thing by staying calm and understanding etc because everyone else is a bit emotional (understandably) at the moment...

OP posts:
Glassofwine · 07/09/2006 11:47

It's a bit different, but my first husband left me a couple of weeks before xmas and I was in a complete mess. There was a family meet up planned for Boxing day and when it came to I just couldn't face it, having to answer too many questions etc. some members of family were v upset with me and kept saying that I should be with family and not snubb them. I'm talking Aunt & cousin, who I'm not that close too. I have never forgiven them for not understanding that at my time of crisis that just for once what I wanted came first. So I would respect their wishes and in fact I wouldn't take him at all. She comes first right now.

Blu · 07/09/2006 11:55

It isn't a personal reaction to eityher you or your ds, JessaSam.

I think you will be being a brilliant tactful sensitive relative if you go with the flow, however choppy the waters seem.

I am a bit confused - are the PIL anoyed with you, or with DH's aunt? Either way, by calmly saying you understand, and it isn't a big issue, you will be taking heat outof a potentially difficult situation at a crucial moment. Well done!

A friend of mine lost her DH - her Ps had the children in the run up to the funeral, and when they heard she was planning to take them to the funeral, they refused to bring them over . It was a dreadful upset that has not healed. They needed to sit back and support whatever their breaved DD needed, whatever thier own feelings!

Original poster
JessaJam · 07/09/2006 11:59

PIL are angry with DH's aunt for not wanting ds there (maybe there is a bit of proud-grandparents thing going on here too?)

I will try to maintain composure and diffuse situation as much as I can.

It's so .

OP posts:
suejoneziscalmernow · 07/09/2006 12:07

If your FIL is greiving his loss too then I understand much better why he is angry. So many people fall out over funeral arrangements, when really its just that everyone is upset and its difficult to think sensibly when you are that upset. There was a major bust up in our family decades ago (grandparents generation) over a funeral that hasn't ever really been healed. Made me determined to NEVER to let it happen in my family.

My father was massively unreasonable when his father died but we all accepted that he was upset and we did our best to be reasonable. In the end that approach worked.

It's perfectly normal for you to feel upset that your DS has been "slighted" but also compassionate of you to put that aside as its so unimportant compared to what your aunt is going through.

wartywarthog · 07/09/2006 12:13

she can't think straight and perhaps she doesn't feel she has the energy to cope with a baby (irrationally). early day grief is a terrible thing and i think you mustn't take anything personally. it is very but i'd respect her wishes and go to the tea afterwards.

you never know how babies will react either. my dd is normally as quiet as a mouse, but once or twice when it's been really quiet she's decided to squawk and chatter the place down. they're unpredictable!

Original poster
JessaJam · 07/09/2006 12:21

Yes, don't relish the thought of ds suddenly shouting "cat!" in the midst of service!
Will practice best soothing voice for tonight.

OP posts:
bran · 07/09/2006 12:32

I think also not everyone finds small children cute and calming, even people who have children themselves. People have different ideas of what a funeral should be like and your dh's aunt (who sounds understandably stressed and distraught) my wish to have a very quiet, somber, contemplative funeral rather than a wake style funeral where the whole family comes together in a family reunion sort of way and it gets a bit raucous.

Original poster
JessaJam · 07/09/2006 12:37

Thanks SO much everyone. Lots of calm, diplomatic and considerate opinions here that I can use if things get a bit heated later on.
I was worried I might get pounced on a bit, either for wanting to take ds in the 1st place or that people would think I was being insensitive [relief]

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