I'm being pestered by another mum and I can't escape from her!

[stalked]

feel a bit bad saying this with all the 'no mums will be friends with me' threads but basically, another mum in ds's nursery class announced to me (around 6 months ago) that her son was playing a lot with mine (ds had never mentioned him) and could we come round for a playdate. We did and it was a bit of a nightmare - her son was incredibly boisterous - knocking ds over, pushing him, kicking him and it was clear that ds never played with him at all!

After that, I tried to avoid her but she would catch me on the way back from nursery school and say things like - 'oh I think it's your turn to have us round' so after a few days of this sort of comment, I gave up and had them round. I could not get rid of her - while her son trashed the house, she hung around till I had to ask her to leave as I was putting the kids to bed (she had been there since the morning).

Fast forward to now (and a few totally unpleasant play dates in parks etc.) - while we were on holiday, she left 6 messages on my answer machine, first 4 were 'why aren't you calling me' last 2 were 'oh I suppose you must have gone on holiday at the last minute because I would have expected you to tell me'. We're back now and luckily her ds didn't get into the same primary school but she parked her car outside our school today and caught me on the way out with her diary open insisting on us making a date. I gave some excuses but eventually had to agree (ran out of reasons).

Honestly, I have nothing in common with her - her son is a total nightmare and all she does is sit in my lounge and talk about herself for hooooooours on end. How am I going to stop her pestering me? She does not seem to get the message at all. I know I may sound quite mean but I have started to feel a bit anxious about this all - she has also found out the clubs that ds is going to and signed her son up for exactly the same things. When I sit in cafes now, I never sit near the window because on a few occasions, she has seen me then followed me around for the rest of the day (even when I said I had to go to Sainsburys, she just got in the car and came with me).

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BE STRONG. Rather tell her it will not work as a friendship, else you will not get rid of her. Or do what I once did, just didn't return calls or emails. And she still showed up at my door unannouced. So I told her sorry it is incovenient and my life is rather busy at the moment. Luckily we eventually moved to another village.

lol yes I think you are both right and I do need to be strong and I know it sounds awful, but I even fantasised about moving house so she couldn't find me

I also tried not answering her calls but she just turns up. Once I actually hid upstairs with the kids so she couldn't see we were in. I am a grown woman who used to manage a big team of people at work but for some reason, I find her really really hard to deal with! She is so bloody persistent!

Call her up when you're on the school run (so you know she's on hers) and leave a message on her answer phone that you are incredibly sorry but your DS really doesn't want to have a playdate with hers .. you know how it is .. kids go through phases of who they like and you don't want to push it .. you're terribly sorry but you feel it would be best if you just left it and you'll call her in a few months

then don't

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twiglett that's a good strategy - I will do that but I know what she'll do. SHe'll charge round demanding to know why ds doesn't want to play with him any more (grrrr). Once (near the beginning) we were at her house and ds said (in front of her), 'I really don't like playing here. X is never nice to me' - at which point she burst into tears and said that no-one asks them round .

I know I have only carried on being half civil because I have felt sorry for her and really more fool me for doing that (because I've obviously given her the impression I was a 'friend').

I will call her though and say ds is feeling a bit wobbly - new class etc. and he is tired from school and we'll not have playdates for a while.

Thanks for the ideas.

If she has actually said to you 'no-one invites us round' could you not gently suggest to her she asks herself why that is, that maybe she is a bit intense? I know how hard it is though!! Good luck.

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DS doesn't want to play with your DS because he is x (insert age) and at that age they develop a sense of self which I am happy to support. He has started at a new school and is making friendships here .. as I am sure your DS (insert name) is at his school .. so I'm sure you'd like time to support DS (insert his name) in his new burgeoning friendships

Good luck

thanks twiglett

you don't per chance hire yourself out to those who are crap at this sort of thing? I could hire you for a morning and you could pretend to be me.

ahhh no you see the issue there is that I can't do it for myself . .just for other people

I have foot-in-mouth disease you see ... foot constantly in mouth

I feel really sorry for this woman- I was her 20 years ago

It's difficult, but she is probably very lonely and sees every week stretching out in front of her with nobody to talk to. The kindest thing to do in the long run is to tell her directly that you don't want to see her, and why. I had a "friend" suddenly tell me she was too busy and started leaving other people's houses when I showed up and crossing the road/ cutting me dead in the street- it was horrible. For years I wondered what I'd done to upset her, or whether my kids had done something awful at her house. I would far rather she had just told me to my face, however embarrassing on both sides.

I have a mate like this, and it was a problem.
I (probably not very) tactfully suggested that it was really nice to see him and chat/drink/eat out for an hour or two but I felt uncomfortable when I had "chores" to do if I had to mention them several times or ask him to leave. I said it was nothing to do with him it was just that since DD my time was not my own.
I spelled out that when I felt uncomfortable about these things it made me think of avoiding him because I wanted to avoid the dilemma, and that wasnt what I wanted as I did really enjoy his company, and looked forward to the time I could switch off from "chores"

disclaimer
I would just like to say I do not view any of my family life as chores (well maybe cleaning the loo ) but I put it this way to make it easier to understand from his POV
end

We are still mates I still see him regularly not as often or for so long. I know he is lonely and has suffered from depression but I do enjoy his company..... just not for days on end

I think it was be nice but blunt or not see him again

my god, this woman is a nutter! but just because no-one else wants to spend time with her doesn't mean you have to. you're not responsible for her well being.

you have to stay strong and practice some of the very good lines suggested, and just trot them out, no matter what she says. don't argue with her, just say sorry, and leave / shut the door.

you have to get her out of your life!

how's your stalker then?

lol carl and warty - see I have a very male outlook re friendships - don't do long phone calls or have lots of girly chats. Tend to see people sporadically but enough to maintain a friendship so I can see where you are coming from Carl!

Was thinking of you now Twig. I have to call her tonight - they are meant to be coming round tomorrow but ds has a heavy cold and I'm going to put her off (as we have someone coming round in the morning anyway and she is supposed to come round in the afternoon and I really don't think it's a good idea if ds is whiny and moany!).

Fingers crossed I can get her off the phone in under 30 mins aaaarrrrghhhhhhh

Blimey Nutter alert