Need to move out (long, sorry)

[wobblyknicks]

After all my whingeing on here, most of you know what's happened with me in the last few months, and that at the moment I'm living with my mum and dad while I (try to) get things sorted.

Thing is, I really appreciate them letting me live here etc, but its getting too much. The council aren't bothered about rehousing me because they see it from the point of view that I'm fine where I am, and my mum and dad aren't helping with that because they go on about me living here for the foreseeable future.

This sounds really selfish, considering there are loads of people in much worse situations and people with literally nowhere to live but I don't feel like I can live here much longer.

My parents are always looking over my shoulder, giving me endless advice about dd, treating me like a baby, and as though I've got no idea how to look after dd. At first, I thought I was just being oversensitive but they tell me what to do in just about everything. The other day I was taking dd out to town and when she got outside, she was going to go in a grobag so she didn't have any socks on. My dad asked me 4 times to put socks on her and when I said she didn't need them, he asked my mum to tell me, saying that "she's got a LOT more experience". I know most parents do that at times, but it really is every 5 minutes and it's really getting me down.

Also my dad's got quite a bad temper, and is always depressed. Normally we just ignore it but at the moment that's really getting me down. After what happened with UH and his temper, anyone getting really angry automatically scares me. Then I feel depressed anyway, and with someone else being permanently in a bad mood, I'm finding it harder to shake off. And if UH writes or phones, they have to know all the details and immediately tell me what to do about it, literally down to the very last detail (like when to post a letter).

In other words, I feel like living here is really stopping me moving on with my life. I've tried talking to them lots of times about it, so has my sister. Each time they make the right noises and say they appreciate how I feel now and will change things but nothing changes.

Its really selfish considering they're putting me up but I really need to move out. I can't rent privately because there's nothing for someone with a baby AND on housing benefit. And because there's so few council houses down here, the only thing the council would offer me immediately is B&B, which would surely be really hard to live in with a baby. So what should I do?

Sorry about such a long post but I'm feeling really stuck.

Poor you. These situations can be very awkward. I think if I were you I would grit my teeth and go for the bed and breakfast. If you can just put up with it for a while perhaps it will be worth it in the end when you are housed. If it really turns out to be so awful you could always go back to your parents again, but, as you say, B&B might be your only way out.

Thanks - don't worry, any advice is good, think my brain's gone on permanent holiday.

Janstar - would be prepared to live in B&B, at least I'd have my own space. The only thing is, the council said it could be quite a way away from where I am now and they could keep moving me round different ones, which would be hard to handle.

I keep phoning up about private rents but most don't want kids and the few that do don't want people on housing benefit. If I got a job, UH would say that he should have custody because he works from home, so wouldn't need childcare, and I'd need 3 months payslips so it wouldn't work for 3 months anyway! They're really picky about renting down here because there's so many people wanting to rent.

When I moved out, the lease was just coming to an end and the owners wanted to sell, so UH stayed in the house and eventually got evicted. So can't even go back to our old house or anything like that.

I wish when I'd left UH that I'd gone straight into a women's refuge instead of my parents but I knew they'd be hurt and I was just thinking of getting out, not about the future.

Wobblyknicks, i spent 6months from oct 02 to march 03 in refuge. they could possibly still help u out with somewhere to stay, especially if your dads temper is scaring you. Its noy nice uprooting and leaving everything (i went to 2 refuges, one was 70miles away from family, one was about 30miles away) but it gave me space to sort things out and what i wanted. this is gonna sound bad, but it also gives u the extra points for being homeless. the refuges have huge support networks, social workers came in to help women out, they had a playworker for the kids, always someone to talk to instead of hiding away.
think about it. if u want to contact me at all email me at dhmisdee(at)hotmail.com

that should be djmisdee oops

Have emailed you misdee - thanks.

Don't mind staying in a refuge at all, would really appreciate the support etc, just thought I wouldn't be able to because I've already left UH. I would have gone there straight away but my parents would have been too hurt that I 'snubbed' them. I also 'like' the point about extra points, I know it sounds bad to be trying to get them, but at the moment my parents don't get the idea that the council are only interested if you force them to be, they don't automatically have your best interests at heart.

Not knowing much about refuges, is that still an option even though I'm not living with UH now? Just want a roof over my head when I can have a tiny bit of space and won't have to keep moving on.

It's a frustrating and depressing situation to be in. My sister left her dh a few years ago and moved in with my parents, together with her 2 children (aged 6 and 8 then I think). They lived there for over a year whilst her dh continued to live in their very large detached 4 bed house (my sister and her 2 children were sharing a not very big room at my parents, with one of them having to sleep on a z-bed). It was not an easy situation as my parents acted in a similar way to yours, constantly giving advice (for which read "instructions" on how to deal with her children. My dad found my nephew particularly difficult to deal with (I'm one of 3 girls, so Dad had never had any experience of raising boys). My sister has a very quick temper and clashed rather badly with my mum on many occasions.

The situation was not good, but she put up with it until her financial situation was settled within the divorce proceedings and she was able to find alternative accommodation.

Is your sister not in a position to have you to stay for a while?

If your dad is scaring you, perhaps contacting the refuge might be the way to go. How about writing down something similar to what you have written here and giving it to your parents? Perhaps if they see how they are making you feel in writing it might bring it home to them, especially if they see that their behaviour is likely to drive you away.

My sister and BIL only really have room for them so they can't put me up, and they're in the middle of trying to move too. If their new house is bigger I might ask but have to wait and see.

Thanks freckle, I'm prepared to grit my teeth and get on with it but if there's any other alternative I'd rather take it!! But there's also the point that I think living with my parents, I'm never going to get out because the council aren't interested. UH used to spend like crazy so there's no money coming to me through the divorce (just debts), so its not as though I can wait for that and be ok.

I've tried writing things down for my parents byt it just doesn't sink in.

I was in a similar situation after my marriage broke down and I moved in with my mum. As it happened my mum was in the process of selling her house and moving abroad, so I was forced to go to the council and declare myself homeless. They did threaten B&B or a hostel which was a horrific thought, but what actually happened was they put me in privately rented accommodation temporarily until permanent housing became available. The local council run a scheme with private landlords to cope with the lack of council homes.

I would have thought you will need to ask your parents to evict you in order to get emergency housing though. Would they be willing to do this in order to help you get council housing? Surely they understand that at some point you will need and want your own home?

Also be warned that council housing officers are actually trained to paint a very bleak picture in order to put people off who are not in real need. I found the whole homelessness thing really traumatic, but it was so worth it in the end. We now have a 3 bed house which is ours for as long as we want it and at a very low rent.

wobbly I know lots of people who have been in your situation. The ones who lived with their parents took years to be offered housing. The ones who moved into refuges and b&b's got homed much quicker. I would go for the b&b option if you want to live on your own. It must be soooo frustrating for you.

Another thing why do you think your ex will get custordy of your dd if you work?

Thanks sm - would I still be able to go into a refuge now though - because that would be 'good', would actually get some support at the same time as my own space.

fio - that's my problem, think it's very unlikely I'll get housed being with my parents, because they don't get the housing thing and keep saying I'm fine with them.At least in temporary acc, I'd have a chance of getting my own home.

fio - UH has already said he's going to fight for custody and he'll argue that he could be looking after dd instead of her being in childcare, but I don't want him to have unsupervised access or custody.

Do be careful wobbly - I don't know, but if you choose to move out of your parents' home, the council might say that you're making yourself homeless. Ideally you'd need an eviction letter I think. I'm NOT an expert on this, just something to check out!

he is such a control freak

Thanks sm, I'll check that - god, they make it all so complicated!!!

fio - that's all he wants, control. Doesn't care about anyone or anything else, just wants to be in control.

have you tried ringing your local women's refuge to talk to them about the situation? You'd certainly be in a much better position housing-wise. I would have thought that if you feel you are at risk from UH you would still be able to go to the refuge even if you are currently living with parents? Would you have to tell the refuge that you were with parents?

Or try the Citizen's Advice Bureau. They give impartial advice and would be able to tell you exactly where you stand if you choose to move out of your parents' home.

Will ring the refuge and CAB - I'm just used to asking mumsnet first!!

I don't suppose I would have to tell the refuge where I was living but would feel uncomfortable in case it made a difference and they found out.

True, honesty is usually the best policy wobbly

good luck X

just tell them everything u have told us. they will offer advice over the fone and let u know if there is anything available. it may not be something local they offer you so be prepared to travel if need be.

wobblyknicks - hope you find something.

Just wanted to say though that just because your UH works from home doesn't mean he wouldn't need childcare (unless he wants to see his business go down the pan, that is) and even he didn't it doesn't mean he would get custody - if that is the only reason you're not looking for a job then it's worth seeing a lawyer about it anyway.

Also on private rents, we used to have problems too (I had several jobs, dp is self-employed), but most private landlords will accept 6 months rent in advance instead of a credit check. It's a lot of money, but could someone lend you that much? (best check with the council first that you'd still get housing benefit but I don't see why you wouldn't).

best of luck.