Elderly family members, who looks after them?

[admylin]

I would like to ask if any of you have very old grandparents or great grandparents and how they are looked after i.e own home, flat or are they in some sort of care?
We have a 98 year old gran and she lives in a small bedsit with an alarm system thingy so if she falls or feels unwell she pushes a button and help comes.
However she lives in an upstairs flat with no lift so she can only get out when someone goes for her. I live abroad but I notice my own parents and sister don't have much time to spend on going to grans house and I think she is going mad just looking at her 4 walls all the time, TV is rubbish entertainment and otherwise she only sees the care girls who go in to make her meals and stay max. 1/2 hour.
Wondered which alternatives there might be, I find my family members abit wrapped up in themselves and rightly they feel guilty and I also feel really bad coz we can't help from here. Do you think they are selfish for not taking her out more? (She goes out with them twice a month) Or is it just me, I always had a different opinion on most things as compared to my family!

I would be cautious about judging from afar. Ime that's how family rifts arise when someone criticises someone else etc. My dh has an 82 year old grandma. His mother never goes to her house which seems a bit cold. However they meet in town once a week for shopping and lunch. There is also a huge history of problems.

I know the judging from afar thing could be my problem as my sister sometimes says but I was there for a month this summer and I just got the feeling that it is so unfair after all gran did for us when we were small and now she is practically a prisioner in her own home as she needs a walking frame to get about or a wheelchair for further distances.
I mean she is 98 and how many more years are we going to have her around? That is harder for me to cope with because evry time I go there I don't know if she will be there next year.

Could she be moved to sheltered accommodation perhaps? Maybe into a ground floor flat. Perhaps it is worth speaking to other family members about your concerns...

My maternal gran is in (really nice)sheltered housing but the main difference is that she doesn't want to go out because she has lost her speech and is embarrased. My Dad goes in every weekday at luchtime to have lunch with her and has done since my mum died. I go to see her with the kids twice a week for at least an hour each time but find it difficult as I don't often have transport and live in the middle of nowhere - I would like to go more often. My brothers both visit her about once a fortnight and that bugs me a bit because they both have their own cars and I think they should go in more but that is up to them. She also has a sister who visits 3 times a week and home help who prepares her dinner every evening. It still leaves her a fair amount of time to watch telly but we get her lots of videos/dvd's to watch and photos to look through - she also loves catalogues because she wont go shopping in person but likes to pick things out from catalogues either for herself or for gifts. I still feel a bit to think about how her life is now though.

Also, I think if your gran is up to it she should have at leat one trip out per week to look forward to. Your parents and sister could take it in turns surely!?

Yes , they all think she could and should be moved but the town where they live is quite small and there are 3 options, one is an old folks home - private and she might not be able to afford, another old folks home -cheaper but not nice and another flat with the alarm system but with a waiting list. I heard from them that the people on the list infront of gran don't really need that place because they are still fit and quite happy where they are so I said my parents should try and get her moved up the list by explaining the situation but they said it wouldn't help. In her flat now, there are some ground floor flats free but they won't let them as the house is to be closed and rebuilt as it isn't up to modern standards. Infact that is quite morbid as they are obviously waiting for the last few inhabitants to pop off rather than try and rehouse them.

Gran also has some sort of social worker but I don't know what his job is or why he has been appointed to be her social worker?? I said he should try to help as I don't otherwise see the point in his job. Does anyone know what these social workers are for in the case of OAP's?

I haven't got elderly grandparents but have worked in nursing homes for many years. Your gran's social worker should be assessing your gran's needs and arranging a suitable package of care. He should be reviewing her situation on a regular basis. They are normally allocated by local social services departments. I would check about the financial situation for getting her into the nursing home as she may be eligible for assistance.

My dad is 96 and since my mum died 6 years ago lives on his own in a bungalow in Devon (200 miles from us)He is very active & healthy for his age, but we worry about him constantly. He visits us fairly often but will never stay more than 2 weeks & has refused to live with us. He likes his own home & his routine.
He does live in a small village & the nurse at the health centre keeps an eye on him and rings to check if he hasn't been down to the village.
ironically he spent the 51 years of his married life worrying about how my mum would cope after he died as he was 16 years older

Do you think if I wrote to the social worker with some details he might do something? I would have to find out where and who he is but my parents are the polite, don't dare complain types and they won't speak to him but surely if thats his job...? Last time I was in the UK my parents were having some building work done but far too slowly and unreliable builders which they accepted till I told them it wasn't aceptable and they should change bulers which they did and everything was finished in a week instead of 3. Living in Germany has made me better at complaining (you have to in order to survive) so maybe their lack of being able to stand up for their rights is making our gran suffer more tahn she should have to.
I know my gran does get plenty of money for the carers and the heating etc, she even pays for a cleaner once a week so she isn't on poverty line.

Try contacting www.careaware.co.uk, you can phone or email them. They will give you the most up to date information about whether your gran would be eligible for funded care.

You could ring your gran's local social services department and ask to speak to the duty social worker for the elderly. They will be able to find out who your gran's social worker is by looking on their system. If you contact him/her you can ask for a review to be held of your gran's case and explain your concerns.

Thanks for the tips, I will try to get the ball rolling, atleast then she will not live her last few years in isolation.