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Original poster

Question about children at adults' parties (longish)

41 replies

olivia35 · 31/08/2006 22:34

We're having a party in a few weeks. We've planned to run from early afternoon until late & have invited people making it clear (politely) that kids are welcome till 9.30.

We aren't planning on physically evicting all U18s come the 'watershed' hour, but it's a guideline as some friends are childless (or would prefer to book babysitters). I think it's only fair that they don't have to mind their effs & jeffs after a reasonable hour!

We also have an unsecure garden with easy access to main road via an unadopted road, away from streetlighting. & we're planning to have a bonfire. & it'll be pitch dark by then. So I'd rather not have to worry about safety issues with children.

Our 2 will be long tucked up, as will those of the old friends who are actually staying with us - other 'long-distance' friends are hotelling it & coming in the afternoon only, or leaving kids with gps etc for the night.

Anyway...we thought this was quite reasonable (have fended off a few ribald suggestions as to exactly what we were planning after the 'curfew', ho ho) but one couple have made it clear they're somewhat put out. They don't do bedtimes & they don't do babysitters (they're local).

We're sticking to our guns - their options are a) come to the afternoon bit b) sort a babysitter or c) one of them leaves @ 9.30 with their two dss (5 & 2).

Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
nikkie · 31/08/2006 22:45

If they don't 'do' bedtimes and babysitters do they 'do' rules?
Last thing you (and all the childless adults) want to do is rstop a 2yo climbing the bonfire

moondog · 31/08/2006 22:48

I think it's fair enough.
I don't agree with kids out this late.

My friend had a lovely 40th birthday party rfecently and was really pissed off at how many little kids were about,also traipsing through her house and running riot (party was outside)

She told me thast when peopel asked if they could bring their kids,she said 'Well,tbh,I feel we do enough stuff with small children.This is my party.'

There were still plenty there though.

acnebride · 31/08/2006 22:48

No, you're not in the least unreasonable.

I'm extremely impressed that you can make your children go to bed while a party is going on!

moondog · 31/08/2006 22:49

I've got a 5 and a 2 year old and no way would I enjoy an adult party if i had to looko ut for them too!!

Gobbledigook · 31/08/2006 22:53

I don't think you are being unreasonable adn what I find odd is that you even have to say 'up to 9.30'. Why don't people just 'get it' that if you have afternoon into late night that families are usually welcome in the afternoon and it's going to be more 'adult' in teh evening? Why do people want to take their children with them for the evening? I don't understand.

Friends of ours had a similar thing last Sunday, kids were welcome - but all those with kids just came at 3pm and went by about 7-8pm (including us) and then it was more drinky drinky in the evening.

People are odd.

Stick to your guns. I hate having to say these things though. Why don't people just use their common sense? Unless their kids would be happy to go to bed at yours???

Tbh, you've reminded me I wanted to start a thread about something similar!

Tommy · 31/08/2006 22:54

I think that is very reasonable - you've made it clear that children are invited for the first part and, tbh, any reasonable parents of young children would take them home by then anyway.

I know a couplde who always bring their DS to parties - whether or not he's invited and then just ignore him for the evening leaving it up to others to entertain him and it akways really p*es people off!

Amiable · 31/08/2006 22:55

Wow, olivia, I think you are being more than reasonable! Stick to your guns - this couple have more than enough options - if the party starts early afternoon it's not as if they can only come for half an hour with their little darlings before the curfew.

Sorry, I'm being a bit presumptuous (sp?), but the fact they don't do bedtimes or babysitters does make me think these kids could be a handful!!

Gobbledigook · 31/08/2006 22:58

and 9.30 is very bloody generous!! 7pm would be more like it!

Original poster
olivia35 · 31/08/2006 23:01

The only reason I needed to even mention it in the invites was for the benefit of those who don't use common sense - yes, obviously the vast majority of people would just do the afternoon thing & then take their tired, fractious offspring home...

Can't do the bunking in with ours thing - firstly, these lads just won't go to bed. They don't at home, they won't in the midst of a party - they'll just keep ours awake.

Secondly, we have mates/dh's brother/my sister travelling the length of the country & booking into hotels - if anyone was going to get to put their kids to bed with ours & then party all night, it'd be family &/or people travelling long distances. Not a couple of mates who live literally 10 minutes walk away...

Looks like I'm not being unreasonable then!

OP posts:
dazzlincaz · 01/09/2006 00:09

Defintely NOT unreasonable olivia35. We had an annual birthday party for my dh which started to get altogether too much when the number of kids of the couples (family and friends) attending increased inevitably with the passing years. Also it was impossible to cater for the age span of the kids, from babes in arms to teens - it is a biggish house, but not big enough. Everyone coming SO looked forward to it, etc, etc - except us - we began to dread it. So we just had to stop, as gentle hinting got us nowhere, and the worst bit, people who were supposed to be driving home would think 'oh what the hell' and drink, knowing full well that dh or I would drive them and their kids home whenever they finally decided they'd leave. Disaster really, hence the end of annual event!

STICK TO YOUR GUNS OR YOU WILL END UP RESENTFUL!

threelittlebabies · 01/09/2006 00:19

Not uneasonable- far from it. Looks like they will be going home at 9.30 doesn't it? Hopefully if they see everyone else is doing it they will give you less of a hard time (fgs just who are the kids here?! )
Have a great party and good luck with the situation!

myturn · 01/09/2006 00:22

Definately not unreasonable IMO as you have let everyone know well in advance. Enjoy!

joelallie · 01/09/2006 09:17

Not unreasonable. By the time the kids have been at a party until 9.30 they'll be knackered. In our place we'd probably take the kids but leave about 7 and come back without them. Or stay until 9ish with the kids and not come back.

IME when kids are inclued in the invitation, the kids usually go off in a big group together and don't come near the adults until they want feeding or watering. Only problem is making sure that you don't get too paralytic to get them home

Pamina3 · 01/09/2006 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinyGang · 01/09/2006 09:38

Your poor friend moondog. Some people just don't hear 'no' when it's said politely, do they?

Olivia you are being very reasonable. I'd stick to your guns as you say and let them leave at 9.30 or let them sort out who stays between them.

They'd have to be pretty thick skinned not to take the hint when they see you've put your own children to bed!

hulababy · 01/09/2006 09:48

Definitely reasonable to have made the rule and to expect people to stick by it, in whatever way they choose - leaving, babysitters, etc. They should respect that and sort themselves out.

However I disagree with those that suggest that all little ones have to always be locked up safe and well in bed by 9:30 and if they aren't something is amiss! We have been to two garden parties last weekend where families, childless couples and singletons were invited. In both cases no one even thought of taking their little ones home early - as it was not part of the party restrictions. In fact children were welcome for as long as they wanted with activities and toys provided. We left at 10:30 on the first part and 10ish at the seond. DD fell asleep in car of first one, but wasn't in bed till later. Second one she was in bed by about 10:30. She just slept later the next morning botht imes. We are very lucky int hat she is already able to self regulate her sleep pattern in that way - always has done TBH. We are not irresponsible parents just because our child is allowed to stay up late some weekends though!

grumpyfrumpy · 01/09/2006 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bobblehead · 01/09/2006 18:20

Sounds very reasonable. I'd have thought most people would want to enjoy a party free of their own kids anyway!

We were invited to a party (in a huge garden, marquee with sit down meal, etc.) last month. Invite clearly stated not to bring dd as too many people coming already so no room for children. She is only 14 months so I had no intention anyway. But lo and behold when we get there party hosts have their grandson (of the same age!) and other relatives children (who grated were staying with them at the time so not much option) running around! Have to admit I was a little put out by that as it seemed fairly rude to single out what children could and couldn't come.
Sorry rant over

Blondilocks · 01/09/2006 18:38

I think that's fair enough. If people can't get babysitters then they can still attend a majority of the party with their children so are accomodated.

If LO is invited to a party then we'll stay as long as we feel - unless we've been told they prefer not to have children after x pm. LO went to OHs sister's 21st & stayed until 11pm (it was a disco in a hall not a wild night out on the town!)

Twiglett · 01/09/2006 18:41

totally fair

c'n I come?

Joolstoo · 01/09/2006 18:43

well, they don't have to come do they?

I think I'd be put out they're put out!

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 01/09/2006 18:55

could you offer them a fourth option - to put them to bed at yours? We always tell everyone that they're welcome to put the children to bed at ours - whether they're staying or not. So they've all either put the kids to bed or left early-ish before kids go into total meltdown - which, generally tends to be 9.30-10. We've never actually had any friends who would want their kids up and at a party beyond that. That idea aside I think you need to point out that they are putting you in a very difficult situation - it's your party and you're planning on having a bonfire, it doesn't matter how many times they said "but we'll keep an eye on them, they're our responsiblity" if anything awful happened you would feel terrible (not that you should, but the reality is you probably would) so they are backing you into a situation where you either change your plans or spend the evening worried sick about their kids and your bonfire and risk feeling utterly awful if something did happen - ie it's them that are being unreasonable, not you.

Joolstoo · 01/09/2006 18:56

hat - if olivia35 bends over backwards any further she'll fall over!

iPodthereforiPoor · 01/09/2006 18:57

I took DS (18m) to a party at my friends house last weekend, and by 9pm he kept coming up to me and pulling me to the front door whilst waving "bye bye". He's not speaking yet but is more than capable of making his needs known!

I did stay a bit longer because I was chatting to a lovely man, (who apparantly was hinting to my friend that he wanted my number!).

Not much to do with your OP but I just wanted to brag about DS being clever - or is that "DS being rude"?!

Gobbledigook · 01/09/2006 18:58

The bottom line is, it's her party and she do whatever she likes! I can't believe anyone has the cheek to moan about anyone else's requests at their own home.