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Original poster

Baby Group Politics - What do you do?

26 replies

tigertum · 31/08/2006 21:46

In a babygroup situation, if someone slates a parenting method that you use (not directly at you but in general), do you speak up and defend it, explain why you personally think its right, or keep quiet, annoyed perhaps, but happy in the knowledge that you like wht you do?
The hot topic at my baby group today was some programme about extended breastfeeding/sling carrying/home tutouring/co sleeping parent. I didn't see it myself, but I part co-sleep, breastfeed my 16 month old and have been known to lug him around in slings allot when he was smaller. I'm the only one on the local baby group circuit who does these things and as I was asked if I'd seen the programme within 1 minute of turning up, I was a bit on the defensive. One mum announced that she thought co-sleeping 'wasn't right' and shouldn't be done. Me and another mum present co-sleep, so I found that a bit below the belt really and started talking about how its the norm in other countries, great for BF etc. I could, after a matter of seconds, see that she didn't want to listen so I decied to save my breath, although in that moment I had writen a 40 page eulogy in my head on how co-sleeping, for me at least, makes total bloody sense thank you very much!!!
Do you speak out, or keep quiet???

OP posts:
TheBlonde · 31/08/2006 21:51

I keep quiet, I'm too tired for a ruck these days

LittleSarah · 31/08/2006 21:52

I would have to speak out, but obviously try not to get too het up about it. It amazes me that people in a baby group, who I am presuming know you co-sleep, etc - would say things like that, in front of you!

I think it is good you said something, after all, sometimes people don't always understand the benefits or at least normalcy of something, it is a shame she didn't listen.

WestCountryLass · 31/08/2006 21:55

In similar situations I don't justify what I do (because I don't think I need to as I don't consider other mothers to be bette rthan me or I them) but would say something general like "each to their own", "parents have it hard enough without being judged by other parents" or "we just have to do what works for us and our kids" type things.

It is annoying that some parents are critical of what other parents do differentl to them though!

hunkermunker · 31/08/2006 22:03

I would just pity her from afar.

LittleSarah · 31/08/2006 22:04

Lol

Well said.

moondog · 31/08/2006 22:06

Laugh,shake your head in a smug fashion and then say
'Weeeeellllll,you know what they say about X don't you??'
(X being whatever they are into.)

That will shut them up.

kiskidee · 31/08/2006 22:06

i know how you feel tigertum. a friend volunteered to babysit our 16 month old who cosleeps anytime after 11ish and is bf back to sleep if she wakes up before then. I told her that if she is cuddled and soothed and offered water if she woke up, i would be happy, even if she did not go back to sleep.

on returning from our anniversary dinner she lectured us on how we needed to teach our dd to 'settle herself' as she had woken 2x before we returned. she sleeptrained at 9 months.

in a one to one like this, i gave her the general picture that human babies have been cosleeping since our species began walking this planet and dh and I would perfer to use a tried and tested method.

you did the right thing by saving your breath. if you are in the situation again, let the context of the conversation guide how little or how much you say in the future. i could email her a link to this website but know she won't read it and i don't have to defend my choice to her. but if she nuts out again, i will.

i walked away feeling empowered by the fact that i know there is sleep research to back up my choice while cc has none. somewhere in the blog an expert on sleep and babies said there is a great difference between 'no evidence of harm' and 'evidence of no harm'.

harpsichordcarrier · 31/08/2006 22:06

oh hunker, you breastfeeders are so smug.

NB
yeah me too

hunkermunker · 31/08/2006 22:11

yep. SmuggerMunker, that's me

Seriously though, if she's so vocal about it, she's probably not that secure about her own decision.

Original poster
tigertum · 31/08/2006 22:13

"human babies have been cosleeping since our species began walking this planet and dh and I would perfer to use a tried and tested method. "

That is beautifully said kiskidee, I'm going to have to steal that one for next time - while I I 'just pity her from afar'.

Your mumsnet people are fantastic

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 31/08/2006 22:20

actually I was thinking a veyr similar thing the other day as I was persuading my hv of the merits of 1. extended bf 2. tandem feeding and 3. baby led weaning.
to increasing disbelief from her side
sometimes I can be arsed to educate. sometimes I can't. it depends.
at the moment I am pretty evangelical about cosleeping and BLW. My friend is adamant that I must tell everyone about the extended bf becuase (and I quote) so people will see that not everyone who does it is a weirdo . his view is that while people can dismiss a particular parenting practice as "not for them" because it's just for hippies or whatever, I have a duty. which is all very well, but a bit wearing in a social situation.
sample conversation:
my mate to random passerby with toddler - so are you breastfeeding him then?
random passerby - urgh, no, he's 18 months!
my mate - well HC is still breastfeeding her dd1.

Original poster
tigertum · 31/08/2006 22:38

harpsichordcarrier, this is exactly what I mean. I've become v evangelical too. I feel so fustrated when people who start a conversation like that, don't wnt to listen to an alternative view, even for a moment. Also, I don't want to annoy or upset other mums who do things differently. Today just made me wonder if I would be happier if I adopted a new policy of keeping quiet in these situations. I know what you mean about your HV. Mine was a controlled-crying advocate and in my naivity I took her advice once before I found my feet. When I told her I was co-sleeping she was very disaproving. I haven't seen her for a year, but if I did I KNOW I would want to start trying to re-educate her!

OP posts:
moondog · 31/08/2006 22:40

I'm a bit like that re b/feeding too HC.

I feel it is my duty too to show people that not all women who do it for longer than three days have hairy legs,wear ill fitting floral blouses and have long yellow toenails poking out of Jesus sandals

Nowt wrong with said ladies however..)

harpsichordcarrier · 31/08/2006 22:43

no, indeed. I don't really fit the stereotypes at all
I suppose what I do, most of the time is just sort of live it. you know, mention that i do it and I love it and don't try and persuade anyone
am not v good at keeping quiet

liquidclocks · 31/08/2006 22:49

Reading some people's accounts of HVs makes me feel so lucky - mine said things like 'do what makes you all happy' and 'have you tried co-sleeping' - love her, so glad to be having same one again for number 2!

In answer to the OP - 'fraid I'd speak out, figured early on if I didn't I'd end up hating the groups then what would be the point in going? However, my group is full of particularly lovely ladies and we all have different opinions about most things and generally respect eachother. Though when I told a little girl off the other day for hitting DS her mum wasn't too impressed - will have to talk about that a some point, like I was going to stand back and let him get beat up!

Original poster
tigertum · 31/08/2006 23:08

liquidclocks, if my HV had been like that, it would have been a lifesaver. Glad your baby groupees are lovely. Most of the girls at my baby group have been, it's just the odd one.

On a nicer note. I remembering my MIL saying something awful, years ago before I even got pregnant, that breastfeeding babies wehn they are walking about is disgusting and 'like child abuse'. I remembered this, so have spoken to her allot about breastfeeding pros and extended breastfeeding pros. The other day I was BF my 16 month old in her garden, she walked by and said 'ahh bless', with a look of genuine happiness on her face as she watched. I like to think I have helped changed her view and she has been nothing but supportive with DS, even though I am certain when I had DS , it was the first time in her life that she saw a baby, let alone a grandson, being breastfed up close.

So, if you can get a MIL to entertain an alternative view, then there's hope maybe

OP posts:
hockeymum · 01/09/2006 16:55

not wanting to enrage a situation here because I think what tigertum has to ask is a valid point and I would have felt really put out if someone was acting like they were all talking about how strange I am

BUT

Why do you all feel the need to educate everyone about extended bf, co-sleeping etc. Is there any harm in letting us all do what we want to do?

Am I less of a mother because I have trained my children to happily go to sleep in their cots, or because I bottlefeed my ds (even though I bfed dd till 16 months) because I couldnt bfeed ds?

I dont quite get why everyone gets so enraged, cant we just accept that we are all different parents and our children are all different? maybe?!!!

Medulla · 01/09/2006 17:08

I think i would have been really annoyed at the mum that didn't want to listen - sorry how ignorant is that?

NewTermAtMaloryTowers · 01/09/2006 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joelallie · 01/09/2006 17:25

"Oh really? I am surprised you feel like that! I co-sleep/am still bfing my baby/whatever and I find it suits me really well.'

Nothing else needs to be said.

joelallie · 01/09/2006 17:28

However I had to bite my tongue really hard when someone at work announced she was pregnant and told me that she's already announced to her MW that she wasn't even going to try to bf.

wanderingstar · 01/09/2006 17:49

Well I just didn't go to babygroups with my dd or ds3. Ds3 is 2.5 now and very social even with people he doesn't know. I can't be doing with all that mothering one upmanship. Haven't these women enough going on in their lives without feeling the need to snipe at the way other people do things, whther it be bf, sleep training, co sleeping, using a pram or whatever.

Clearly not !

harpsichordcarrier · 02/09/2006 00:28

hockeymum - I think you ay have rather missed the point.
if you read the OP, the situations we are talking about are when we are being criticised for all these things

e.g. being told it "isn't right" or when "someone "slates a parenting method that you use!

we are not talking about re-educating random passersby, just those people who feel free to criticise our parenting methods and call them abusive and damaging.

"I dont quite get why everyone gets so enraged, cant we just accept that we are all different parents and our children are all different? maybe?!!!" yes well quite. I expect you "don't quite get it" because you havne't been subject to these kind of interference. maybe? or told it is like abuse?

LaDiDaDi · 02/09/2006 11:05

I saw the programme and the people featured in it were quite extreme at times.

I think that in your situation I would have had to say something, similar to what joeallie suggested would do the job really well. Perhaps followed up by a "Have you tried it?"

I do think that in this situation, perhaps most in relation to breastfeeding (but that's just imho ) it is really helpful for other mums to have someone who is within their peergroup say "Look, I breastfeed/extended breastfeed and it works really well for me, I'm normal." Otherwise how will it become more usual if the only examples that people are made aware of are programmes made to shock?

pointydog · 02/09/2006 11:51

wanderingstar, I'm with you. If you feel your ways of bringing up your kids are being picked at, it's hard to be happy in the group.