Dh wants me to work even though I am having a rough time.

[melsy]

DH and I had a huge row this weekend which resulted in a horrible horrible panic attack. I thought he may have had to call an ambulance again it was so bad. he actually managed to help me calm down by holding my face and making me look him in the eyes. Part of it was the fact that he wants me to work and that I never let him discuss this before getting pregnant. I don?t believe I want to leave my dd with childcare or at a nursury. I feel I should be the one to bring her up. I also emotionally cannot leave her and possibly miss some very precious development moments. He said it was a fait acompli and that he has had no choice but to let me do it my way. He believes I should be helping the financial situation. I told him he begrudges having to be the sole provider and believes it should not be his responsibilty solely. I also feel he is putting a lot of pressure on me to work , espeically when he knows what my year at a certain unamed British Dept store head office did to me health wise as I had a miscarriage at the same time. But to him this is all an excuse and not relevant any more.

Dont get me wrong, for my sanity I would like to do some work and it would be good again to have my own money and not be reliant on a husband. I also need to be creative as I started my own freelance design business bfore pregnancy!! but I dont know how to work out the logistics of dd's care & me working to deadlines. I have had a very very traumatic 6months ,as many of you know about.I dont think I am ready to handle it just yet , but my dh is very angry with me. I dont know what to do and it is very upsetting.

I would have posted this in going back to work , but we may discuss my realtionship so I didnt know were to put it.

Melsy, the only thing I would say is that work and childcare don't mix. If you do decide to do a bit of work, I would strongly recommend finding another childcarer for, say, two days a week. I don't think you feel ready for that at the moment and I am not putting any pressure on you. It's just what I've found. Big hugs.

melsy- It is hard isn't it? I'm trying to start working from home (as we need the cash badly) but I can't go out to work becuase of ds1.

How would you feel if you had someone in the house to look after your dd while you were there? It's something I've pondered for ds2 if I get too much work (cnace would be a fine thing ). SOmehow knowing your dd was under the same roof as you might be easier......

How old is your dd btw? At 6 months I felt very strongly that I couldn;t leave ds1 but by the time he was 18 months I was happy to leave him two mornings a week. Your feelings may change.....

Melsy, tell your dh that you don't want to be pressured at the moment. Make time to sit down with him and rationally go through all of the facts, like how you're coping on just his salary and whether its feasible to carry on like that. And then you can also go through the options you've got for working. Like you might want to leave it for a few months while you think about the practicalities of working. Then maybe you could arrange with Dh that he needs to help out with childcare more at certain times if you have a deadline to meet. Or maybe with the extra money you'd bring in you could afford for an au pair or someone like that to help you out while you're working.

Melsy - what sort of things are you good at? Someone on here may be working from home at the same sort of thing and give you advice?

Well my business is a furniture & interior design service. I have mainky concentrated on doing design work for manufacturers , as the interior side was to inovlved for me when pg. I also do consultancy for firms that need ideas on developing their business in terms of trends/analysis/design/market etc.

Iam also good at graphic design / card making. I have done some business cards for friends who have paid me a nominal fee.

Melsy, we couldnt survive financially without me going back to work nor can we manage on one wage. we have 2 kids now. The only way we worked out we could survive is for dh to give up his carre he had started in the city ang be a night manager in a large supermarket he used to work for but never really liked. This way I will hopefully go back parttime when dd is 11 months with dh looking after her until i get home, he then going to sleep.
We are going to find it very hard until I go back but have discussed it for hours and eventually agreed it was better to wait until she was that age.

Firstly I do sympathise with you not wanting to leave your dd,a dn I know you've had a terrible time recently so your dh should not be pressurising you, but why should it be your dh's sole responsibility to be the financial provider? Maybe he wants to be more involved in bringing up your dd as well? Do you think he is angry because you don't want to work, or actually because you haven't properly discussed it and he feels like he has no say in what is a huge decision for you both?
Can you both sit down and rationally discuss your options with an open mind. (wtf am I doing advising this, it's been 8 months since I rationally did anything ).
You may find that working and getting back some time to yourself to do something you are good at is exactly what you need. Or you may decide it's not something you can even think about for another 6 months.
Practically, nurseries really aren't that bad. But there are lost of other options. You could have a nanny in your home looking after dd whilst you lock yourself away in another room to work. You could consider working in the evenings or weekends if dh takes on more of the childcare at those times. BUt the most inportant thing is for you to make a decision together that suits both of you - and don't assume that just because your dh has a problem with the situtaion that he feels it is all your fault.

Melsy, I think work might be good for you. You are clearly a creative person and that side of you needs to express itself. Why not consider having a daily mothers help for a couple of days a week so you can get on with stuff but still be around for your dd - you never know, you might love it! Talk to your dh again. He might be feeling very frightened at the moment - his life has turned upside down too, what with the huge responsibility of being the sole earner, his wife being ill and a new baby too. He is probably panicking a bit at all this responsibility and that is coming out as anger.

How right you all are , words of wisdom , on the button Aloha. I think I may get Dh to read this , although I hope he doesnt get offended.It is such an emotive subject for both of us. I like the idea of doing something , It will make me feel good and proud of myself.So I will have a think. Aloha were do I get a daily MOTHERS help ??

May be I should just do the buisness card thing. It is a simple thing to do & I find it quite easy and quite enjoyable. Any takers?????!!!!!!!

No seriously.I will need to find a way of advertising locally.The other problem is that I will want to be all proffessional about it & i will drive myself silly to do it right,(its in bred), have consulations, have a portfolio of commisions etc,a charges sheet, but Ive only done 3 projects !!!

How far do you live from your family, and are they a useful support network? I really didn't want to go back to work when my DS was six months old, but had no choice if I didn't want to be homeless etc. I felt much better about leaving my baby in the care of my mother, who although demented, has managed to bring up four children without killing or maiming them, and does actually have some emotional investment in her grandchildren. Would you feel better about leaving your baby with a family member?
Failing that, working from home is great - you do need childcare otherwise you can't get on with stuff, but you feel much more secure about it (and if they're young and inexperienced, like an au-pair, so do they), if you are actually in the house.
I agree with all the other postings - you do need to discuss it with your DH, to make him feel as if he has some say in all this. His life has been turned upside down as well, and men are often less prepared than women for the fundamental changes parenthood brings and feel that they are getting a bum deal from fatherhood (not saying that that is correct or just, but that's just how it is).

How far do you live from your family, and are they a useful support network? I really didn't want to go back to work when my DS was six months old, but had no choice if I didn't want to be homeless etc. I felt much better about leaving my baby in the care of my mother, who although demented, has managed to bring up four children without killing or maiming them, and does actually have some emotional investment in her grandchildren. Would you feel better about leaving your baby with a family member?
Failing that, working from home is great - you do need childcare otherwise you can't get on with stuff, but you feel much more secure about it (and if they're young and inexperienced, like an au-pair, so do they), if you are actually in the house.
I agree with all the other postings - you do need to discuss it with your DH, to make him feel as if he has some say in all this. His life has been turned upside down as well, and men are often less prepared than women for the fundamental changes parenthood brings and feel that they are getting a bum deal from fatherhood (not saying that that is correct or just, but that's just how it is).

TBH Melsy, i think that if you don't feel ready or wouldn't be comfortable with going back to work then you shouldn't go. The thought of it is upsetting you enough so what would happen if you felt that you were being forced into it.
My partner works for a very low wage, and hates his job, and i know he hates being the sole provider. Despite this he has never asked me to go out to work. He knows that just at the moment it would probably prove to much for my sanity, and no amount of money is worth that. I have no qualifications so any job that i could get would not be a)very well paid, and b) have little or no prospects.
I do intend to go back to work at some point, but i will do it when i feel that i can cope with it and that my kids could adjust to it well.
I am going to start by going back to college and then hopefully university, so that i can get a good job. If at any point though, i was to feel like my health or the kids well being was at risk then i won't continue with it.
I feel that your dh is being a little unfair TBH.

Thats a good idea meanbean & Beety. I have a couple of friends with aupairs and a cousin on my DHs side who has one. May be im not ready yet but I can still have a chat with them about it.

Nutcraker well done you about going back to college & Uni. What do you want to do???

Haven't quite made my mind up yet, but hopefully either nursing or speech and language therapy. Will probably apply for both and then decide later.

Getting an au-pair is a good idea or sharing one. At least then you would be able to decide what hours and days to work and pick someone you are comfortable with.
Don't rush it though, you need to be comfortable with the whole idea of going back first.

melsey you are obviously a really creative person,how about some freelance interior design work that you could do when babe is sleeping, with a minder/carer/family/aupair and then do the rest of the work in the evenings.

Maybe you could actually just do a couple of hours a day or something. My friend started up her own interior design and advice company when she was on maternity leave and didnt bother to go back to work, she has a nanny/carer from 9-12 and works loads of evenings but thats because she has so much work on and not enough help!!!

Maybe think about how much time you could manage away from your baby and then think what you could do with it.

You do sound like you may like the challenge but perhaps are a little scared??? Or did i get the wrong end of the stick.

Another idea is...... not just business cards, birth announcement cards and thank you cards, invitations for weddings, engagements etc all quite lucrative and easy enough to set up and do in your own time when it suits you.!!

Anyway, good luck and ignore all this if you think its rubbish

Melsy, for a mothers help you could contact a nanny agency - call a few to get an idea, or get Simply Childcare (it's based in my road!!) which is like a leaflet in which people can advertise for help or advertise themselves as available for childcare. You pay to place an ad and for the money get three issues sent to you, so you can also answer other people's ads. It really is very good. I don't have the number to hand but you can google Simply Childcare and get it. SofiaAmes recommends a website called something like TheGumTree.co.uk (someone else will know better) which has Aussie nannies and au pairs - often students have a couple of free days/ mornings and need to work. It will let you start slowly and still feel that you are totally there for your dd. You'll be amazed at what you can do in a few hours. From your posts, I get the feeling that you'd be a brilliant interiors person. Why not make up a smart looking but simply ad and put it up in some local posh shop windows. That's how I get everyone from plumbers to curtain makers etc. Don't rush into work, take little steps - eg getting Simply Childcare or putting an ad for a Mother's Help up at your local nursery/children's shop. Then maybe start advertising your business. The smaller you start the more in control you will feel. Good luck!

If you have friends with au pairs then I think it is a totally brilliant idea to chat to them first. Take it slowly.