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Original poster

Future BIL babysitting tonight - why am I worried?

29 replies

hidingunderadifferentname · 26/08/2006 09:08

Changed name due to sensitivity of subject.

SIL (dh's sister) has been dating future BIL (no relation to us, just SIL's "intended") for just over 12 months and they are newly engaged.

Have seen BIL a fair bit and quite like him. He is amiable, helpful etc. He's a man in his late 30's.

SIL is working tonight (nurse) so can't babysit (she usually babysits and brings him with her)- so he wil be babysitting for us.

The children now and like him, but they will be in bed when he arrives.

Am I being ridiculous to feel uncomfortable. I daresay I will be berated for saying the following....deep breath...but - you hear of men cultivating and winning over the trust of women / young families and ingratiating themselves into family life to....well you know where I am going with this thought process.

Would you be happy with this babysitting arrangement?

Children are 2 and 4

OP posts:
Original poster
hidingunderadifferentname · 26/08/2006 09:09

should preview, the children 'know' and like him

OP posts:
charliecat · 26/08/2006 09:10

I wouldnt be but I think ill be the exception.
I am a paranoid freak.

WideWebWitch · 26/08/2006 09:14

Why do you feel uncomfortable? I think that's the question to ask. Is there some instinct that is worrying you? Is there ANY basis to this at all? I think if you don't like it, don't go out. Really.

Freckle · 26/08/2006 09:18

Thing is he hasn't ingratiated himself with someone with a young family. He's with your SIL who I presume has no children. It's a bit of a stretch to think he would take up with someone just to have access to their brother's children.

Why don't you give it a go and then, if you feel you have any cause to worry, just avoid asking him in future?

Original poster
hidingunderadifferentname · 26/08/2006 09:19

I'm ashamed to say WWW that I would probably feel like this about any man other than dh or my brother. It's perhaps a bit of an irrational prejudice...

Dh is giving me grief because I said that I don't want to go out

OP posts:
Original poster
hidingunderadifferentname · 26/08/2006 09:21

Oh dear, now I am going to get taken to task!

Can't help my dark innermost thoughts though, but no particularly proud of them

I should just be rational right? and go ahead with the babysitting arrangement as is?

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 26/08/2006 09:24

Well if there's absolutely no basis for it at all then maybe you should go out. It's hardly grooming by the sound of it.

UCM · 26/08/2006 09:26

Also your 4 year old is old enough to tell you if they are not happy. But if you feel uneasy, don't go, you won't enjoy yourself. Don't feel bad about it, you are only being a caring loving mum

pointydog · 26/08/2006 09:59

This subject came up when I was chatting with friends recently and one of them said that she would never leave her kids (7 & 5) with a man other than dh and a couple of others she knew extremely well.

I was really surprised. But obviously some women, like yourself hiding, just worry so much about abuse that they would never feel comfortable.

I would be happy with this arrangement but maybe there's just no way you could be happy with it.

taramac · 26/08/2006 10:00

I personally wouldnt let him babysit - but I am quite a paranoid person - however would rather be like that and keep my kids safe than the alternative. I think you should trust your gut instinct. I know my dp thinks exactly the same luckily.

lionheart · 26/08/2006 10:51

Perhaps you'll change your mind later when you've known him for longer but for now, go with your instinct. As UCM says, if you're not certain about it you aren't going to enjoy your night out.

I'd feel exactly the same way as you but I don't think you should feel bad for wanting to protect your children.

CaligulaCorday · 26/08/2006 11:08

I don't think it's unreasonable not to want to leave your children with any babysitter you're not 100% happy with, whether they're male or female.

Yes it is irrational, but so what, having kids in the first place is pretty damn irrational in our society. So go with your gut. As others have said, once you know him better, you may feel differently. But if you leave your children with any babysitter you're not completely happy with, you're not really going to enjoy yourself, are you? And what a waste of a night out if you don't!

CaligulaCorday · 26/08/2006 11:08

Oops, sorry repeating UCM and Lionheart!

lionheart · 26/08/2006 11:17

It looks a bit funny to see the mismatch between your name and your post, CaligulaCorday.

snowleopard · 26/08/2006 11:23

I can understand. There are just a few men I would leave DS with and they are friends I've known for years.

However, he may turn out to be a great guy and if he is safe and trustworthy, he seems thoughtful and caring to have agreed to do this. So if you decide against going out, make sure you have a migraine or something rather than saying anything that might make him feel you suspect him.

CaligulaCorday · 26/08/2006 11:31

Ha ha. Must change my name to something more fluffy.

FluffyCharlotteCorday · 26/08/2006 11:33

... like this

Saturn74 · 26/08/2006 11:37

He's probably a really nice guy, who is kindly offering to help you out by babysitting. However, I'm a great believer in trusting your instincts, and if you are feeling uncomfortable about leaving this person in sole charge of your children, I'd advise that you stay in and get a take-away instead. I definitely would!

Sunnysideup · 26/08/2006 12:35

I think if you feel uncomfortable, go with that feeling. As a social care worker during health and safety training I was actually told to go with my gut feeling if I was going into someone's house and didn't feel comfortable...I do think there is a lot to be said for these 'gut' feelings and I would always go with mine.

Irrational yes, but there you go. I certainly wouldn't criticise you for not going with this arrangement.

lionheart · 26/08/2006 15:46

Fluffy is good. But what about when your want to say something unfluffy.

NotQuiteCockney · 26/08/2006 15:49

Hmm, I believe in trusting gut instincts, but it doesn't sound like it's gut instinct bothering the OP here, it sounds like it's a rule: "don't trust men". I think the rational thing to do would be to go out and enjoy yourself.

But if you think you'd spend the evening worrying, don't bother.

nicnack2 · 26/08/2006 16:07

mmm difficult i would go with instinct but for diplomacy could say that you are concerned for your future bil if one of your children needed the toilet or were sick etc whilst you were out. there are thimgs a women is more attuned to regardless to whether thay have had children or not.

FluffyCharlotteCorday · 26/08/2006 16:24

LH - will try to limit all my statements to fluffy ones.

lionheart · 26/08/2006 18:00
Grin
divastrop · 26/08/2006 20:43

i would go with your gut instinct.i too am aparanoid person but saying that,i was in a relationship with sum1 for a while with sum1 id known for ages b4hand,he even had kids of his own,though i never met them,and he once offered to babysit for me and i just felt like something was wrong and ended up going home after an hour.nothing was wrong,but i just didnt feel right,and i ended it with him soon after.this was a long while ago.my dp now i trusted with my kids right from the start,i never felt uncomfortable and obviously i leave them with him sometimes and dont give it a second thought.just cos theres no rational explaination for something doesnt mean u should ignore it imo.

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