Do you put responsibility on your older child???

[Nemo1977]

Just something I was wondering today about whether if Ds was not the oldest or he was only child if I would have treated him differently. Obviously he is only young[nearly 3] but there are things I expect him to do and some of them are simple things like passing baby wipes etc is that me putting my chores onto him or teaching him resonable responsibility? Just wondering as from age 7 I was very responsible for my sisters and from age 9 was often left to look after them or take them out with me when they were 1 and 2.

Hi Nemo, don't think you are doing DS any harm by asking him to do little things like pass baby wipes for you; I ask my nephew who is 2.5 to do similar things and he really seems to enjoy the responsibility of helping me look after his little cousin! He gets everything ready out of the changing bag now and even puts the cream on DS's bum himself! Brings a tear to my eye!!

Nemo, don;t be daft! passing wipes is hardly a responsibility hon and will get hjim used to being asked to do things at school too

I looked after my self and my sister including all meals from about 8 til about 15 when my mum decided to get off her arse and care about her children.

Don;t be hard on yourself xx

I have far greater expectations of ds1 in all sorts of ways than I do for ds2: I think it's part of that whole firstborn thing. Ds2 gets away with all sorts of nonsense that ds1 never got chance to!

But ds1 is 9 now, and whilst I do give him quite a bit of freedom and opportunity to take responsibility for himself, I would never give him the responsibility of ds2 or any other child: that's way too much for a 9yo IMO.

My dd1 is very responsible fro 6 and dd2 is immature for 4 I'm not sure if it is the different personalities or the oldest/youngest thing

I know I dont ask him much ..yet..lol I just worry if I would treat him more babyish than as a yougn boy..probably doesnt make sense but he has a maturity level of a 4 yr old or so and sometimes find myself treating him like that.

i didn;t mean to be hardsh nemo, ur ds sounds like my ds1. he is very mature about lots of things and is very into his jobs at the minute. Its nice to have alittle helper wit hthe houseowrk and its nice to have the willing company too.

yes, Nemo, i think I expect too much of my elder child in terms of being mature - she is only 4 and sometimes I feel I treat her as if she were 7 or 8. I have horrible guilt ridden memories of yelling at her when she was 2, DS was newborn, and all she wanted to do was help...
but if you think about all that research which indicates eldest children are achievers in particular ways, what they have in common is that experience of being the eldest, so perhaps having high expectations of them has a beneficial result overall?

i do i suppose he is 12 and i was 23 when he was born. i probably confided in him more than i should have but he is now a smart confident boy who is very level headed and a good friend to me as well as a son.

thats true mom.

I think when they start to show an interest in becoming 'helpers' then it should be encouraged - it can only be a good thing!

hovely thats a good way to look at it.

ds wanted to be a helper from about 10mths but just worry about overdoing it..lol Although suppose with having 3rd child on way I semi need him to be a bit more grown up than his age.

my almost three yr old is asked to do loads of stuff,but never forced to do any of it if he refuses. Passing me things, "setting" the table, tidying his things(not much success),generally helping me! He's an only child (although his lil bro is on way at xmas) I would be asking him to help whether I was pg or not.
He enjoys helping and is really proud when he does things for himself or for us. I think he's going to be a fab big brother, but I never forget that he's still my three yr old baby and let him rebel against responsiblities!

my ds was 14mths old when ds2 was born
he too passed wipes/nappies etc
not done him any harm almost wish i had another baby as ds2 is lazy as i baby him
both now age 9 and 10 clean room (dust/hoover)
take washing in, empty dishwasher, set table etc

It's poor ds2 in our house. With a severely disabled elder brother, and a baby brother he's always the one who has to wait, or do what ds1 in particular is demanding. He's the only one who can talk, so the only one I can aks complex things of! It will get easier for him as ds3 gets older and so there are 2 of them with the same expectations/restrictions on them.

Also try to make sure he has time out with my mum and dad.

Yes. I have to. He is 14 and usually helps out half-willingly although teenage hormones are giving him a bit of an attitude at the moment unfortunately. DS2 is 6, quite severely disabled and extremely high maintenance. I need and expect DS1 and DD (7) to help me (or DH) out quite a lot when either of us are not both present to deal with DS2 needs.

DS1 is compentent at bathing/dressing/lifting/carrying/feeding DS2 although he doesn't change nappies and I don't expect him to. Both he and DD help out frequently with changing dirty nappies though as this is a two person job. They both also have to help with a lot of tidying up of the house (although not actual cleaning/housework) as DS2 tears through the house like a whirhwind leaving chaos and destruction in his wake!

DS1 does quite often clean up the kitchen after meals though.. load dishwasher/sweep floor (near where DS2 sits!!) and wipe over surfaces.

DD supports DS2 in the bath and while I wash him. DS1 is often left to 'babysit' DS2 for short periods although with DH and/or I in the house attending to other things (quick bits of housework usually often when the other one is out.)

DS2 needs constant attention and the only relief from that is plonking him in front of Nick Junior for half hour or so at a time (will lose interest after that and become high maintenace again.)

It's not what I would have chosen for my other two in a million years.. but as I am aways explaining to them, we are a family and DS2 is their brother and helping each other with him helps us to cope as best we can as a family and be happier. They do love him and we all get a lot of pleasure from him it has to be said. He has such character and sense of humour and they both love teaching him 'bad things' and rude words!

DD and DS1 belong to Young Carers and get to go to fun groups and out for treats every few weeks.

So you can feel better now Nemo, after all that lot! And I won't even dare ask what anyone thinks of me now...

I think it's all part being a family that everyone who can mucks in and helps. It also helps if the older child enjoys helping. A few weeks back I found my DS1, age 7, trying to put a cloth nighttime nappy on DS2, age 4. It was hysterical but he was quite proud of himself and DS2 was impressed.

Nemo I know what you mean. It is Ds' "job" to pass the mat, nappy and wipes when there is a poo-emergency in our house. He generally likes being a "really useful engine" , although not if watching something on TV, when he "can't" do it.

I have to try and make myself remember sometimes, like if I am making their lunch and dd starts crying so I ask him to talk to her, that he's barely more than a baby himself. It's easy to treat him as much older because he can do so much more for himself.

My friend came round last week and her 14yo ds cut my grass! I did not ask, she offered on his behalf, and he was quite happy to do it. Was v pleased, and also excited at the slavery opportunities that I had previouslty not thought of for when kids get older