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Original poster

Oh good god

15 replies

JennH · 20/03/2004 05:45

Its 5.30 in the morning and I am so so tired. I have just fed Evie and she is dozing in her chair. I am not whinging about this, my baby needs to be fed so i put up with this tiredness because thats my job as a mum.

But. I just had a close friend on the phone telling me how depressed she is, and i can't deal with that. She rings me all the time, she rang me now because she knows that E is usually up by 5, in doing so she also woke my husband up who i would like to get a good nights sleep because that means he can look after miss e when i am too tired to move today.
She rings me, texts me all the time telling me how sad she is and how close to suicide she is and i really don't know what to do. I have expereince of mental health care yes but I can't fix her. I am struggeling myself at the moment i really am, and i know this is selfish but i can't cope with the pressue of keeping someone else hanging on its just not fair. I have tried to explain this but she guilt trips me, and i honestly want to help her because i don't want her to be sad. But what can I do? She went to her GP and he was useless and she can't get into the system until he refers her. I tried to speak to her about my problems and it got turned back onto her and how much worse her life was. I want to be there, but i just can't all the time. Especially not at 5.30 in the morning.

Sorry this is such a big rant, i am not a mean person honest i'm just so tired today.

OP posts:

Ghosty · 20/03/2004 07:03

JennH ...
Poor poor you ...
I am sympathising with you on the sleep deprivation bit as I have a 6 week old DD and as I was reading your post I thought if I were in your shoes with a needy friend at the moment it might just tip me over the edge.
I think the first thing you should do is NOT pick up the phone at that time of day ... I mean, what if it happened to be the first day that Evie slept through till 7 and your friend rang at 5? I would be well pi$$ed off ...
Why don't you suggest to your friend that you will be available to talk AFTER say, 8am or something ...?
She really is not being fair to you ... and you are NOT being selfish ... Don't feel bad about that ... you have a baby to care for and the last thing you need is this person dragging you down ...
Hugs ...

Welshmum · 20/03/2004 08:17

I agree with Ghosty. Turn the ringer on your phone off until later in the day. Looking after little babies takes so much out of you. You need to be pretty selfish about anything that's left over. Is her GP part of a larger surgery, could she ask to see anyone else there? Is it worth her going to see him again if not? do you have another friend in common - maybe you could speak to them and ask them to take over this duty until you're getting something like a full night's sleep and feel up to taking her on again. Hope more sleep comes your way soon

Davros · 20/03/2004 11:46

You poor thing. I agree totally that you shouldn't answer the phone at 5am. You're letting her victimise you although I'm not saying that's your fault as its very hard to see what option you have other than to be there for her within reason. You need to change her behaviour towards you and to do that you need to change yours towards her. Be available but more on your terms, she will get fed up if you're not always on tap, even though you do talk to her at times. I know this sounds harsh but otherwise it sounds like you are going to be the one suffering while she offloads. Agree about trying to think of an alternative for her to speak to....... even suggest the Samaritans although it would be tricky to do without sounding harsh. Let us know what happens.

spacemonkey · 20/03/2004 12:27

Jenn, you need to concentrate on looking after yourself right now, it's a simple as that. You're a very caring person, so you want to help your friend, and that's understandable, but there has to come a point where you draw some boundaries around yourself for your own (and dh's and E's) sake. So please put yourself first now, and limit your contact with this friend. Point her in the direction of other sources of help, and switch your phone off if necessary. You have to be your no 1 priority at the moment.

Loads and loads of hugs XXXXX

coppertop · 20/03/2004 12:29

I agree with the others. This isn't a two-way friendship either if she never listens to YOUR problems. An alternative way to get the message through would be for you to start phoning HER at 5am (or earlier if possible) and let her find out for herself just how irritating it is.

lou33 · 20/03/2004 14:11

Jenn, this happened to me once, with a cousin of mine. She had a lot of problems in her life, and although we hadn't spoken for years, she suddenly started calling me at all different times of the day and night, and I found it really hard, I'd not long had ds1 as well, and my mum had recently died, so I didn't feel able to cope with her on top. In the end when she called, I had to tell her gently but firmly, that although she thought I could help her, I really couldn't, and was struggling myself to cope. She never called back again. I did feel bad about it, but it was a case ofhaving to put me and my family first.

marthamoo · 20/03/2004 14:31

Jenn,
I'm with everyone else here. Turn the phone off until you are ready to answer it. If she asks why just tell her the truth as you have here - tell her you care about her, but you are really not able to offer much by way of heavy duty support at the moment. Your mental health comes first - because on that hinges Evie's welfare too. The fact that you are upset about this shows what a caring person you are but, at the moment, you need to put some distance between you and your friend.

And loads of sympathy with regards to the lack of sleep - it is the hardest thing (((hugs)))

Janstar · 20/03/2004 15:51

Jenn, a good friend should not be afraid to ask for help, but they should also be prepared to accept it if you can't oblige. Does this friend have kids of her own? If so she should know how tiring it is when you have a baby in the house. Perhaps if instead of phoning at 5.30 am she came round and helped for a few hours she would cheer up as a result.

motherinferior · 20/03/2004 16:29

Jenn love, you can't do this. It isn't fair on you. She's asking you to do a professional's job, not even just the job of an incredibly supportive friend at a point where she should KNOW you've not got the energy for anything beyond your immediate circumstances. And I seriously don't think that if she showed up at her GP saying she is suicidal that she wouldn't get some help, I really don't. They give you a checklist for 'depression' and if you tick 'sucidal thoughts' you're taken seriously. I know, because I've done it.

Suggest she rings Mind on 0845 766 0163. Or NHS Direct would probably help, because someone would suggest she go back to her GP if she lists her symptoms. Or she could ring the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90.

It isn't your job! Poor you!

luckymum · 20/03/2004 16:54

JennH, you're not being selfish, the only reason you're up at that time is for your dd and she shouldn't take advantage of that. If she really is that bad then there's little you can do anyway, she needs professional help. Sleep deprivation is just a nightmare (sorry no pun intended) and you're in no fit state to do anything but care for yourself and your little one. Don't feel bad....look after No 1

kizzie · 20/03/2004 17:02

Hi Jen - im coming from this from the point of view of someone who had severe anxiety based PND.

On many many sleepless terror filled nights I have waited minute by minute for the clock to turn 7am so that i could talk to my sister. She has always insisted that I can ring her anytime day or night but she has to go to work and so I wouldnt ring her until I knew she was getting up anyway.

So i can understand that maybe the night is very diffcult for your friend but there is no way that you can be expected to provide this level of support (even if you didnt have a small baby to look after).

Your friend clearly does need a referral and if her dr wont help then she needs to see a different one. (If necessary she should keep ringing the out of hours drs surgery instead of you at 5 in the morning. They'll soon get sick of it and insist that her own GP gets her some help.)

If shes seriously depressed then she probably cant even begin to think about the fact that others including you have difficulties of their own. Try and forgive her selfishness but dont beat yourself up about what you can or cant do for her. its sounds like youve been amazing already.

I agree with the others - dont answer the phone. Maybe set her some 'silent' restrictions. So: you wont answer the phone to her before 8am (get one of those phones that show the number first if necessary.) / dont reply instantly to every text / make time say once or twice a week to have a proper chat with her but then keep any other contact short and to times when its convenient to you.

I think you need to tell her what you're doing. Just that you're exhausted with the baby and that you need to concentrate on your family and husband at the moment but that you want to help her WHEN its possible. When she starts the guilt trip just try and be firm and say that you know things are very difficult for her at the moment and thats why you're encouraging her to get proper help because you cant give her the level of support she needs and you just want to see her get better.

Sorry - this note has on forever.
You aren't being selfish in anyway.
Kizziex

WideWebWitch · 20/03/2004 21:22

Jenn, just wanted to say I agree with everyone else, you just can't do it while you need the space and time to deal with your own sleeplessness/life.

beansprout · 20/03/2004 21:34

Jenn, I agree with everyone else too. I had someone calling me at all hours a few years ago, and I just felt I could say "no" as they were in such a state (marriage breakdown) and although it was leaving me exhausted, I wasn't as bad off as them, right? I then started seeing dp, who immediately said "no, this is too much for you", and as much as I felt it was harsh, I also felt very relieved, as it really was too much.

All of that was bad enough, but you have a baby!! I really couldn't think of a situation so bad (and like all of us, I have been in a few) that entitled me to call a mum to a baby at all hours of the day and night. That would be my wake up call to get some support, if it were coming to that.

I know you want to offer support, but you simply can't be there at all hours. She is responsible for her, you have enough to do at the moment. I wish you love and some sleep! Good luck xx

zebra · 20/03/2004 21:39

I unplugged the phone for almost a month after DD was born...

handlemecarefully · 21/03/2004 04:23

That's unreal. Ringing at 5.30 in the morning is totally unreasonable. You have every right to set groundrules about when and how often she contacts you. Okay she is depressed and despairing etc and needs a bit of sympathy and tlc, but that doesn't give her the right to drag you down with her.

Perhaps you could get her to ring me (insomnia currently....!)

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