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Original poster

How do I explain the scars?

22 replies

MamaG · 22/08/2006 23:44

DH went through a rough time years and years ago, long before I met him and left him with lots of scars on his inner forearm.

DD has started to ask him questions - will I get those lines when I grow up? How did you get them etc?

We just don't know what to say about them - she's (just) 7 and we don't want to say anything too "dark" but don't really want to feed her a load of rubbish about a thornbush either!

Hopefully somebody might have some useful suggestions.

TIA

OP posts:
misdee · 22/08/2006 23:44

was it self harm?

Original poster
MamaG · 22/08/2006 23:46

Yes it was, but I really don't want to start explaining that IYKWIM - it was such a long time ago.

OP posts:
hairymclary · 22/08/2006 23:46

Would she be happy with something along the lines of "I was a bit poorly when I was younger and that's when I got them" without going into all the details?

Original poster
MamaG · 22/08/2006 23:48

Possibly - but she is extremely inquisitive and I just know she'd ask for more details!

OP posts:
misdee · 22/08/2006 23:51

sorry for asking, i wondered if it might be that as it gives us an angle to look at IYKWIM.

i know what you mean about wanting to tell the truth but not give them too much information.

southeastastra · 22/08/2006 23:51

maybe he could say he fell into a window?

misdee · 22/08/2006 23:51

what have you said so far?

would 'i was ill' do?

shimmy21 · 22/08/2006 23:52

Could dh just say 'I hurt myself' - bit of a double meaning.
If dd keeps asking I think it might be better for dh just to say something like 'Oh, I don't really remember those times very clearly' rather than being brutally honest.

hairymclary · 22/08/2006 23:53

it's difficult isn't it?
I think teling the truth is definitely the way to go, but how to explain it to a 7 yr old?
how about something like, "I was sad, and a bit poorly and I cut myself because I thought it would make it better"

SaintGeorgeMarple · 22/08/2006 23:53

Just say he cut his arm by accident, maybe invent a broken window.

No need for further details.

My DH has massive scars due to a fire. Strangely, the boys have never really commented 'An accident' has been sufficient explanation so far.

hairymclary · 22/08/2006 23:54

followed of course by the doctor made it better and daddy is fine and happy now

Original poster
MamaG · 22/08/2006 23:55

Thanks for replies, I really don't want to say he cut himself, but think the "he hurt himself, but he's better now" sounds good - not exactly lying but not frightening her either.

misdee - no offence taken sorry if I was a bit short in my reply.

OP posts:
hairymclary · 22/08/2006 23:56

yes, actually agree that he hurt himself sounds better than he cut himself.

misdee · 22/08/2006 23:59

thats ok. i mean i didnt want to suggest something like 'i was ill but the doctors stitched me up' IYKWIM.

i had a conversation about DCM with my dd who is 6 the other day, and i didnt know if i handled it right either.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 22/08/2006 23:59

I think you can provide her with minimal info - but stick to the truth. if you cover it up it becomes a big thing - a misapprehension that will make you constantly wonder when to tell her the truth. He was ill, he hurt himself are both fine, but if she's not satisfied, I would just say. "daddy was ill. sometimes you can get a kind of illness that makes you very unhappy, and some people feel so unhappy that they hurt themselves. that's what daddy did. but he got better and he's fine now." I think that as long as you reassure her that he's fine now and the things that made him ill and unhappy have all gone away and now he has lots of things to make sure he's happy, it will be fine. Kids can take all sorts of stuff like this in their stride and, imho, it's far better to do it in gradual, simple, truthful steps, than to tell white lies/untruths.

hairymclary · 23/08/2006 00:04

also I think the earlier they know the better because then it doesn't come as some huge shock later. It's just something that has always been that way and it's no big deal iyswim?

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 23/08/2006 00:08

I really agree hairy. both my dds know I have got ms. they haven't got a bloody clue what ms means (partly cos I'm not ill with it at the mo)but their understanding of it will grow as and when necessary and there'll never be an awful "sit down I;ve got something to tell you" moment

charliecat · 23/08/2006 00:10

My mum has a big melted mark on her arm, I was always told it was an iron burn.
God knows when , but when I was an adult I found out it had been a tattoo of her first husband and it was an early dodgy skingraft. Im glad I didnt know, lying to my friends was easier since I was telling them the truth..IYKWIM

NotAnOtter · 23/08/2006 00:20

i agree - try to tell the truth as much as poss without specifics.

i have been a great believer in telling them when they are young about sex/mental illness etc and then its not taboo.

when she is older she will know lots about life and self harm(sadly) and will know if you do too much bull now! hth

Original poster
MamaG · 23/08/2006 11:03

I see you are all thinking along the same lines as me! I think we'll go with

Daddy hurt himself when he was younger, but he's fine now.

IF she asks for more info, I'll go down the route suggested by thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
LieselVonTrapp · 23/08/2006 11:40

My DH has a scar on his face - wrong place wrong time, he tried to help some poor individual getting jumped on by 15 guys. DD does ask lots of questions about it as its quite prominent - we tell her that some people have marks on their face but we're all the same. We only started that line cause she knows somebody with a mole and is very unsure about it so we've used daddys scar as a way for her to deal with everybodys imperfections.

nikkie · 23/08/2006 19:52

My xh has scasrs on his arms from self harm, dds haven't asked yet but it will probably dd2 that does and she doesn't give up.

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