Is it ever ok to cut someone out when you know they need help cos you can't cope with them any more?

[ilovecaboose]

Say you have a friend. That friend had a terrible life growing up, that just got worse and worse. You have been close friends for years, through thick and thin kinda thing.

As a result of problems/issues from things that have happened to them, they feel a need for control including you and everything you do - but subtely. By putting you down if you do something they don't agree on and other tricks like that. They also have a habit of exploding if things go wrong/don't go their way and have screaming fits/smash things up/threaten to harm themselves.

You know they need help, but they won't accept there is a problem and so refuse to get it. Any comment about this leads to an explosion (so does any comment that counts as criticsm).

In the end you cut them out your life - knowing that this could have serious consequences - you don't know what will happen to them.

Is this ever ok? Deliberately cutting someone out who needs your help?

Opinions please

I've done it with needy 40 something single friend.
Ironically when Ifirst met her,I thought she was the knidest most giving person I knew but 10 years later realised I was nothing more than a sounding board for her two rant modes.

I would listen to her tell me interchangeably how she was

a) Desperately in love with some Nigerian 'student' or Dutch drug dealer

b) Off all men for ever bacuase all they do is use andabuse women.

She got in a huff with me after the birth of my second child because my mother told her Iwasn't well enough for visitors at the hospital then appeared at my house three weeks later and stayed five hours moaning about her latest beau.

I wrote to her telling her exactly what I thought then ignored all phone calls.

Marvellously liberating.

Ok come back to this thread to say a couple of things.

1)got into contact with friend A a couple of weeks ago. 2 reasons - 1- I found something of hers I knew she'd want back. 2- Someone else phoned trying to get into contact with her and I needed/wanted to pass information on. We met up, spent a nice few hours together. Benn texting every so often since, but nothing overwhelming (IYSWIM). She seems a lot more sorted, and a lot of things have happened since then which mean she can cope with her issues better.

2)Friend B - have not been in contact but heard today through DP's mum that her father died suddenly yesterday. Worried about her (complicated situation involving her mum - is not capable of looking after herself). Think I might send a sympathy card. Don't know if she will take it well, but want to let her know I'm thinking about them at a difficult time.

for her. Unexpected but not if you know what I mean - he had been ill his whole life and it was expected to happen one day, but don't think that will be of any comfort to them.

Have just read your original post wanted to answer before being influenced by other advice.. How this has haunted you all these years later I cut someone out of my life who was very needy, drainingly so, always asking advice (into small hours) never takin it! always back for more if no other mug available ?! That was my brother (extreme probs probly not what your dealing with) do I regret it NO he still does it to my lil bro who now says "how can i get out of this its pulling me down too"

Ok another update (just want to write it down really)
Have been in contact with friend A alot since last night - when found out friend B's dad had died.

Phoned Friend B tonight to see how she was coping . She is devastated but holding it together. She thanked me for the call and invited me to funeral next thursday. I will be going with friend A.

I didn't know what to say - she was with her dad when he died (had gone to visit on spur of moment) and had tried to administer kiss of life .

Her dad was a very good man. Had been ill his whole life and was told he'd never make it through childhood - but that still doesn't make it any easier for them obviously.

Was worried I'd upset her by phoning - but friend A told me nothing that went b4 would matter at a time like this.

I am for friend B - she has been left to look after her mum as brother has pissed off as can't cope (not unexepectedly). Her mum isn't really aware of what has happened - friend B thinks it will probably hit her at funeral.

Am so for her. God knows what is going to happen now

Oh and also have no fucking clue where church is - hopefully dp mum will know. Don't really want to phone friend B back for directions as think it will put too much pressure on her at moment - not something she should really have to do at this time

Just whatever has happened b4 is forgotten now - I hope she is not still angry with me and will ask for any help she needs (have told her to phone to talk at any time if she needs it).

Just . Don't really know how else to put it.

Her dad has always looked after her mum - hospital refusing to admit her although she is having hullucinations at mo - god knows what will happen when she comprehends what has happened. Don't know how friend B will cope.

Christ.

bollocksing fucking shit - why do these things have to happen

I have only read your post, no others as I didn't want my opinion to be altered.

But, yes, yes, yes and yes.

I have done it in more ways than one, if you want to discuss it further CAT me.

fucking mental health service

Sorry just want to swear at world in general and this seems best place to do it.

Fucking fuck

bollocks fucking bollocks.

ilovwcaboose(this is in reply to your original message) - YES IT IS! Putting yourself first is not selfish or wrong.

You can try to help someone all you can, but if they CHOOSE not to help themselves and instead are on a course of self destruction then it is okay to walk away. I had to do it with a close friend of mine a few years back. Eventually she sorted herself out, and sought me out. We are great friends now. I hope the same happens to you and your friend.

ILCB I had a "friend" like that year ago, but in the end I had to turn away as I just couldn't cope with the manipulation anymore! I did feel really bad, but in the end it started to effect my own life negatively and well, I was just not going to risk that any longer.
I still now wonder if she is o.k. and what she is doing now, but I would never get back in contact with her, to many things happened!