The pursuit of our own happiness and the needs/wants of our children

[emkana]

Did anyone watch "Safe as houses" on BBC2 last night? There was a couple who had recently got together and they decided to move from Lincoln to the Outer Hebrides to open a B&B. They took the woman's youngest daughter with them, even though she was at first extremely unhappy to go (later she settled in ok). The other three daughters, aged between 16 and 20 I think, were left behind, to be with their mum or boyfriend or to finish their studies. The daughters all seemed very unhappy to see their mum/dad go, crying loads and loads. The 17 year old was still crying to her mum on the phone every time they talked several weeks later. But the couple said they had to think of their own happiness, and soon the daughters would grow up and move away anyway, and they had their own lives to think about and couldn't take the children's wishes into account too much. I felt so sorry for the girls and started wondering if I thought the couple were right to "seize the day" or whether they should have taken a backseat for the sake of their daughters.
What does everybody here think?

I saw a bit of this, and I did think that it seemed rough on the kids. Did they give them the option to more with the parents? I didn't see it all.

I think at 16 years old that pretty harsh , the girl probably feels abandoned.Yes it may increase her independance very quickly , but why have children if you just want to leave them when they are 17. To me family is about being close and together.

My mum has been talking about moving to spain in a few years , but I am 31 and my other sister is 29. The one who I worry about is my 18 yr old sister who lives at home. She would then become our responsibilty with our parents being out of the country. I think the idea to seize the day is fabulous , but to what expense emotionally to everyone else???

DH's parents' had him later in life (their elder children were 21, 16 & 14 when he arrived) When DH was 16 his parents decided to retire to Spain and DH went to boarding school close to his brothers & sisters. He apparently told his parents he thought they should go, but because he felt it was the right thing to say. By all accounts he had a really miserable couple of years and his mum does now say they wish they had waited a couple of years longer.

message withdrawn

I also think it's not in your own self interest. If you put yourself first over something so major when the kids are young, you teach them that it's right for them to put themselves first when you are old and don't want to go into a home!

Meanbean how right you are. DH was sent off to boarding school aged 7 and is already looking forward to the day when he can say to his parents (when dribbling into their porridge) that he is going to send them somewhere lovely where they can be with lots of people of their own age and have fun LOL!

I think it's odd to go off and leave your kids when they are at such a key stage, moving into adulthood and needing guidance.

To a degree this is a point in favour of having your family late. It gives you the chance to do some of the things you want to before settling down and putting others' interests first. It's fine to do something like this when all the children have left home or are away most of the time at university or suchlike, but really the children's needs come first prior to that.

I didn't see the programme, but agree with MeanBean and CD that at the very least this shows your children how not to consider others' wishes. Poor kids.

I know someone who has done this and her youngest daughter (14) is now extremely ill.

From what you say emkana, it sounds like this woman dumped her daughter just to go off with new boyfriend, at least I think that's how the daughter would feel.

I think to take everyone off to a new opportunity is fine, but if there is a reason why all the family can't go, then parents should stay until their children are old enough (emotionally as well as physically) to cope alone

Just remembered something else from the programme: The man said in front of the woman's youngest daughter (who was moving with them) "We can't wait for Georgie to grow up and move out because we enjoy to be alone as a couple." How horrible is that? He then said he didn't mean it, but the look on the girl's face was just terrible to see!

I nearly cried for all the children involved - hard to judge the rights and wrongs for another family but the way it was presented on TV upset me

To an extent though, isn't this happens when some relationships break up? I know sometimes it can't be helped (abusive relationships & so on), but we do seem to be living in a culture where some parents put their own wants (isn't even needs) first. I'm thinking of a friend who has been married 3 times & been in another 2 long-term relationships & has dragged her poor kids from new dad to new dad, & from one side of the country to the other.

Whenever I get really fed up with the state of things at home & wonder if it wouldn't be better to call it quits & split up I remember an older lady at work telling me "you've given your kids the best thing they could have: a mum and dad who live together".

(with apologies to those who have no choice.. )

These examples seem so harsh. I agree with everyone else 'why have children?'

However I do remember my mum saying that even when we were children she was determined to have her own life. Not that she worked even, but we were all aware that the world did not revolve around us as children, that there was a whole family (If that makes sense). A friend of mine (who is 27) has a mum who always worked throughout her childhood and her mum is always saying that when you have kids, don't give up your career otherwise you'll have nothing when they grow up and leave home. All my friend can remember is a childhood full of nasty nannies and while knowing her parents loved her, she is detirmined to have kids and be there for them.

I think a balance is needed and think that some people are selfish, but my kids know that life does not just revolve around them and their needs.

I would not do this till dd was ALOT older if ever. I can't imagine wanting to!
My parents emigrated when i was 13 and my sis 14 and an older sister of 17 had left home with a guy they HATED! I was depressed/mixed-up/VERY sad and resentful for years.
I moved back to England a few years ago as did we all,(though not together).
I don't hate my parents for doing it, i have a good relationship with them and i've done well in my life despite no education after 13 but now i have a dd i know i'd NEVER EVER put her through that!
I think my parents were very selfish at that time!

MIL moved to help to 'shift' her youngest son.

Mind you he was 25 at the time and showing no signs of looking for his own place! He was paying her £10 a week which didn't even cover his food. It was too comfortable for him to want to move